28 March, 2024

Family . . . Our Sacred Cow

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by | 6 August, 2015 | 1 comment

By Randy Gariss

“Sacred cows” exist in far more places than just India; you may find them in our culture”s views about family and home. Some of our most committed believers lack a biblical view of family, hurting both themselves and the church.

Family shadow

Family shadow

Jesus said some pretty shocking and “unfamily things” about family. An example might be, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters””yes, even their own life””such a person cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).

Hate your family? Surely understanding the original Greek word softens this, right? No, sorry, it doesn”t. Well, was Jesus just having a bad day? If he was, it must have happened pretty often because he frequently said such unfamily things.

For example: “I did not come to bring peace . . . for I have come to turn “˜a man against his father, a daughter against her mother . . . a man”s enemies will be the members of his own household.” Anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:34-37; also consider Luke 9; 18; Matthew 12; etc.).

Makes you want to cover your children”s ears as these passages are read, doesn”t it? To be sure, Jesus also said many reassuring things about family, but these hard passages cannot be ignored or explained away; they mean something.

Better Choices

The first thing we must conclude: Christ believes kingdom outranks family and that he should come before home. It rings strange to our ears, but family is not to be the highest value in our lives. Family is not the ocean to which all the rivers in the world run.

Genesis 1 and 2 remind us that God created family within the context of the glory and rule of God, a context forever providing the framework upon which a family is designed to exist. Of course, since the fall, everything (including family) has been broken. And ever since, every family seeking wholeness has had to continually realign itself with the glory and rule of God.

There are no perfect families; there are only recovering families. As my friend Jeff Faull says, “There are no ideal families.” There are only those pursuing the family ideals that are found in Scripture.

Jesus certainly did not have an ideal family. He knew firsthand that living out the glory and rule of God would bring tension to a family. When that moment of tension comes, he said, “Follow me!”

To hate your family does not mean that you should be hateful to your family. No, no, no! Far from it! Tenderness and devotion to family are always required, but to follow Christ will, in many cases, cause your family to say, “You hate us!” That is the meaning of Luke 14:25.

The Muslim family will say to the young woman who chooses to follow Christ, “You hate us. You”ve abandoned us. You”ve rejected us. You”ve shamed us. We must mean nothing to you!” The girl”s heart will break, but she will follow Christ.

The idea of hating your family will play out in the life of the Christ follower who battles same-sex attraction. He is faithful to Christ and living a celibate life, yet his heart aches as he watches others who have mates and share a home. He will hear the laughter of kids in a backyard, see families on vacations and at birthday parties, and he will long for those. But for him to have that, it means he must abandon Christ; and Christ means more to him. It will look like he hates family. He does not. He simply loves Christ more.

For many singles, placing God first means they did not settle. They have met many people to whom they could be “unequally yoked,” but they have not yet met the man or woman who could walk with them as they follow Christ. Anyone can be married if they set their standards low enough.

There are heroes of the faith who choose Christ over a compromised relationship. Some think they must hate family; Christ knows better.

Misunderstood Priorities

Following Christ while in an unbelieving or lukewarm Christian family will also create conflict. Perhaps the tension will be with a spouse or a parent, but some level of discomfort is certain. Some might say, “Why give them that much of our money?” or “Why give so much time to those people?” or “Why are you trying to drag our kids into your faith? Do you hate us, because you sure seem eager to. . . .”

The tension is real. Great wisdom is required to love and honor Christ while trying to nurture an immature family. But make no mistake, family cannot be the sacred center of life.

If you are in such a situation, we suggest:

“¢ Never bully your family as you serve Christ; you can give what is “yours,” you cannot give what is “ours.” Sacrifice out of your life; don”t force the other person to sacrifice.

“¢ Demonstrate humility, never superiority. Forgiven sinners can have courage, but never arrogance.

“¢ The relentless pursuit of Christ means continually looking for ways to serve your family despite the tension.

“¢ Never lie. Never hide or deceive your family as you serve Christ. Living in the light means you live a life without secrets.

“¢ The principles described by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 will serve you well.

Rediscovered Call

The most common and surprising place to find the sacred cow might be in the middle of “our most committed Christian families.” It is true there are many terrific families living out the rule and glory of God in their homes and our churches, and communities and lives are blessed by them. But such families may not be the norm.

For many Christ-professing families, there is too little Christ and too little impact for Christ. Their verbiage about Christ may be high, but their family lifestyle reveals little room for him. Under the guise of “for our family,” conviction is compromised. Lives are marked by too much pursuit of stuff, too many activities that are like straw (of no lasting consequence), and many misplaced priorities. No matter what is said, it is in fact, family over kingdom.

When a family cannot really serve their neighbors because a harried lifestyle won”t allow it, the sacred cow of family may be the issue. When a family cannot find room to be hospitable, or to invite people into their lives because the family calendar has no room for it, the sacred cow”s shed might as well be in the front yard. When the Spirit”s call can be vetoed by a junior high school child, or a kingdom dream is simply “outnumbered” at a family meeting, then perhaps the words of Christ must be found again.

The call of Christ must be heard again””not just for the welfare of others, but for the sake of the family itself.

Pulitzer Prize-winning child psychologist Robert Coles observed that far too many Americans place too great a burden upon their children; the burden to be the center of life. In his book Conversations with Robert Coles, he states, “Parents forget that what children really need, perhaps more than anything else is discipline and a sense of commitment to something larger than themselves. Children need to be asked of as well as given to.”

Advancing the kingdom within a family does not hurt the family. Just the opposite, a family comes alive! Families are meant to live great kingdom dreams. They are meant to live the grand adventure that accompanies the call of Christ. Kingdom over family saves a family from miserly, lesser dreams and opens a door to far greater adventures than family over kingdom ever could.

Are there simple answers? Of course not. Great discernment, prayer, and counsel will always be required. Be aware, we live in a culture with two extremes. On the one hand, it is absolutely hideous to be indifferent to family; no amount of spiritual posturing or religious camouflage can excuse that foul behavior.

But on the other hand, neither is it right to deify the family. Families were not meant to exist as the gravitational center of life. “Family first” makes a sacred cow.

Randy Gariss has retired as preaching minister with College Heights Christian Church in Joplin, Missouri, to serve as director of the Life and Ministry Preparation Center with Ozark Christian College.

1 Comment

  1. john allcott

    I have found this to be painfully true. I’ve been ostracized by about half of my immediate family as well as half of my extended family because of my stand for God’s truth. Of course I’ve often searched my actions & my motives to find if I have any fault in the family’s division. May the Lord reveal to me anything I need to confess & repent of.

    As a still-new missionary in SE Asia with a young but growing church, I have many things to be thankful for. But there is always a pain deep down in my heart.

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