28 March, 2024

Father Figures

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by | 7 August, 2015 | 0 comments

I”m in the ranks of all fathers learning about fathering on the job. But I”m also a part of the church that must find ways to help solve the father crisis in so many families today. 

By Jack Holland

“You know, this is really going to change your life.” How many times I heard these words. Our first child was on the way. I was going to be a father. Was that phrase intended to end with an exclamation point or a question mark?

I”m sure they meant well, but did even good friends question my capacity to be a father? Did they wonder if I understood the responsibility that was going to be mine? Or did they think I didn”t know what we were getting ourselves into?

08_Holland_JNHowever it was intended, it was accurate. Becoming a father was, and still is, “all of the above.” With children ages 21 and 11, my life is changed; the responsibility is still mine in ways I don”t completely understand, and I don”t know if I have what it takes. I do know that I “figure” what I do as a father matters. Before children are born, we dream about the kind of parents we”ll be. When our children are 21 we wonder, “How did we do?”

If you believe the more popular Father”s Day cards, you may conclude that the typical dad doesn”t do much and is an inept stooge. In a commentary just prior to Father”s Day last year, Washington Post writer Katherine Shaver reported that the front cover of one of the best-selling cards for dad read, “Keep calm, we found the remote.” The second-place card is in rather bad taste so I”ll not mention it, but the third-biggest seller shows “The Evolution of Dad” transforming “from ape, to caveman, to a guy hunkered down in front of the TV.”

Shaver reported that an informal survey of local drugstores concluded the most frequent images on cards for fathers include “beer, golf, fishing poles, TVs, and recliners; while often depicting Dad as a cavemen, or hapless handyman.” And, those are cards for people who seem to like their dad.

Father Figures

Paul Raeburn, author of the book Do Fathers Matter? What Science Is Telling Us about the Parent We”ve Overlooked, claims these cards encourage a stereotype of fathers in the past, but not today. Current trends show many fathers recognize the importance of their responsibilities and are working to meet them at higher rates than in previous generations. In a recent study of men between the ages of 25 and 44, 57 percent agreed with the statement, “It is more important for a man to spend a lot of time with his family than to be successful at his career.”

Life circumstances, cultural values, economic need, and other factors have changed the role of the father in his children”s life during the last generation. In 1965, fathers spent approximately 2.5 hours a week in child care. In 2000, statistics show fathers spent on average about 6.5 hours caring for children. Developmental psychologist Michael Lamb said, “When I started studying American mothers and fathers (in the 1970s), the majority of the fathers I studied had never bathed their children. Many of them had never changed a diaper. Now, men would feel embarrassed to say they hadn”t changed their children.”

It”s important to note that research on the relationship between fathers and their children has actually followed a similar trend. Prior to the work of researchers such as Lamb, it was assumed the father”s role was “breadwinner”; it was the mother”s task to care for and nurture the children. Science journalist Emily Anthes says, “For years social scientists considered fathers to be second-string parents, bench players whose main role was to jump in when Mom was otherwise engaged. That view has changed, partly thanks to research revealing that dads are anything but backup mothers.”

Raeburn adds, “The discovery of the father is one of the most important developments in the study of children and families.” So, it seems there is good news: fathers are more involved in the development of their children.

Unfortunately, there is also discouraging news. While the average father actually living in the home may be spending more time with his children, statistics show a continuing increase in “fatherless families.” In 1960, fewer than 10 percent of children lived with their mother only. In 2012, according to the U.S. Census, that percentage rose to almost 25 percent. (See chart.)

08_Holland_chart_JN

In the book The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, Andrew J. Cherlin reported, “By the time they turn 15, 40 percent of children in the United States will confront the dissolution of a parent”s marriage or cohabiting relationship, and more than 8 percent will experience three or more maternal co-residential relationships.”

Additionally, the National Marriage Project reported the surprisingly good news that the divorce rate for couples with children is actually decreasing. However, one reason for that decline is that more couples are choosing to live together without marrying.

Church as Family, Fathers for the Fatherless

The increase in fatherless families, the decrease in stable-intact families, and even the work to support good fathers present serious challenges to the church. Thinking theologically about fatherhood and children for a moment can show us how to respond. Psalm 68:5 calls God “a father to the fatherless.” Ephesians 1:5 says, “He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.”

We aren”t naturally born into God”s family, but become his by adoption through Jesus. This adoption is given from the generosity of God”s pleasure and will. We are adopted into this family because that is what a loving God does. And so we are called to be like him, even to be fathers like him.

The Image of God the Father

Studies by child psychologists have demonstrated that a strong emotional and physical attachment to a primary caregiver contributes to emotional health as an adult. If a child does not have that strong attachment when young, he or she is more likely to struggle in life when older.

We also know that children”s early images of God are at least in part shaped by the emotional attachment to their parents. Research has shown a correlation between images adults use to describe their fathers and God. Those with the most negative view of their parents also had the most negative view of God.

In ministry, one of our first tasks in caring for the children of absent or hurtful fathers is to show them the love and goodness of their Father in Heaven, but we must become more intentional in this. Two-thirds of children who regularly attended church when their parents were divorcing reported that neither their minister nor members of the congregation reached out to them during that difficult time.

Can we be there for them? Can we provide relationships with men in our churches that give the care and validation they are missing? Can we bless them with godly fathers who will shape their faith and love for their Father in Heaven?

The Covenant of Fatherhood

I believe we need to construct a view of family life as covenantal rather than contractual. A lawyer is the first person we turn to when a contract is broken. Some couples preparing to marry even go to a lawyer first and make prenuptial agreements that stipulate what will happen when the contract is broken. Living together without marrying is often chosen by couples as a trial period to see if they can live compatibly.

But covenants aren”t subject to trial runs. Two people in a couple are agreeing to far more than staying together until it stops being fulfilling. Covenants are commitments made to each other, to our children (even before they are born), to God, and to the community. A marriage covenant indicates the union is bigger, deeper, older, and wiser than the two rather self-centered individuals who have started sharing a bedroom.

From Guests to Family

We can preach and practice the joy of hospitality, of freely opening ourselves to another. When a guest first visits our home, we work very hard to make the place presentable. But regular guests soon discover we have closets where we throw stuff we don”t want company to see. They may realize we don”t vacuum as often as we probably should, and we rarely remember if the dishwasher has been run or not. Over time, regular visitors begin to influence the way we live, and we influence them. I think family life is like that.

When we were dating, I tried to present my best side to the woman I eventually married, but after 27 years of marriage, there aren”t many secrets left. I do my best for my children, but they know my weaknesses too, and they all accept who I am and challenge who I am becoming.

Together we are learning the art of hospitality. By welcoming and loving each other into our daily lives, we are seeking to be a family of God.

The Good Pleasure of Fatherhood

As I reflect on my experience as a father for 21 years and remember the cautionary words, “You know this is really going to change your life,” I wish the statement had included something like this, “. . . and you”ll never be the same, but won”t regret it a bit.”

My wife, children, and the family of Christians I”ve been adopted into are helping me to become a father. I just hope when I”m gone they”ll say, “He was a father in whom they saw the Father in Heaven.”

Jack Holland is Russell and Marian Blowers Professor of Christian Ministry at Emmanuel Christian Seminary in Johnson City, Tennessee.

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