By Caleb Kaltenbach
MALIBU, CA—Pastor Paul Porgman needed an executive pastor, so he went on The Lead Pastor: XP Edition.
The show is patterned after the hit series The Bachelor, which features a single man who spends weeks with many attractive women until he chooses his future wife. In The Lead Pastor: XP Edition, Porgman spent weeks with many unattractive, out-of-shape, type A personality men until he chose one to be his executive pastor.
“It was . . . bizarre,” Porgman said. “We never got in a hot tub, but I walked on the beach with each one of them. I also had to take them out for dinners. Most of them wanted to talk about systems or the latest church database.”
“In each elimination ceremony,” reflected Sam Alzar, who was chosen by Porgman to be his executive pastor, “instead of a rose, Paul handed each of us a page from the staff handbook. At the end, I knew I won because I had the whole handbook!”
“He asked me to map out the process and action steps I used to choose him,” Porgman said. “I told him not to use so many words in a sentence again. But you know—,” Porgman was interrupted.
“Our department head meeting is in an hour,” Alzar said, “Do you want to chart the steps of the meeting so it’s streamlined for an intentional discussion concerning the variables?”
Porgman fell on the floor. “Are you OK?” a children’s minister asked.
“Shhh,” Porgman whispered. “I’m playing possum.”
Caleb Kaltenbach is just kidding.