By Caleb Kaltenbach
LOUISVILLE, KY—The leadership of The Gospel Coalition asked Calvinists and Arminians to dress differently—distinctively—for their recent conference.
“We honestly thought it [a dress code] would be an easier way to label each other,” a coalition executive committee member said. “You know, it takes a lot of work to decipher someone’s theology so you can decide if you want to be their friend or not.”
The Arminians in attendance agreed with the decision.
“It’s made this year’s conference run more smoothly,” Al Wesley said. “This year, when I’ve gotten in theological debates with Calvinists, I just look for someone dressed like me and pull them in to take my side. It makes everything better.”
This year’s wardrobe guidelines:
Baby Boomer Calvinists and older: suit and tie, no facial hair, frown on face.
Young and Neo-Calvinists: skinny jeans, dark clothing, coffee, long beard.
Any Arminian: loose coat, white pants, facial stubble (just channel Don Johnson from Miami Vice).
Open Theists: parachute pants, tank top, fake mustache.
“Dressing like Don Johnson has given me a chance to really communicate my theology,” said Arminian Ted Stone, glancing casually over his sunglasses. “Don dressed simply; my theology is simple. He dressed fashionably, and being Arminian is the ‘in thing.’ He fought crime; I fight predestination.”
Conference attendees were confused during the first session when John Piper and Al Mohler walked onstage wearing Members Only jackets, maroon slacks, and penny loafers. Theological discussions and debates murmured through the crowd.
“I just had no idea what doctrinal position they were taking,” said neo-Calvinist Jim MacArthur.
Most in the audience were relieved when Piper and Mohler said they were “predestined to dress this way.” The Arminians, in response, started chanting, “We can feel it coming in the air tonight . . . ”
Caleb Kaltenbach is just kidding.