29 March, 2024

Pastoral Care in the Midst of Crisis

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by | 13 December, 2009 | 1 comment

 

by Ken Swatman

The phone rang at 11:00 p.m. (never a good sign). It was the local police department, where I serve as a chaplain. A young single mother had just found her 4-month-old baby girl unconscious and not breathing. I grabbed my coat and ran out the door. 

When I arrived at the house I found the young mother sitting on the kitchen floor, devastated. As a pastor and chaplain I was being asked to bring some kind of comfort, care, and peace to an event that was tragic beyond words.

When tragedy strikes our congregations and communities, we pastors are often called upon to provide comfort, aid, and perspective to families and friends. Maybe an elderly person is close to death. Maybe someone has just received a cancer diagnosis. Maybe we”re confronting a house fire, a job loss, a marriage crisis, or the sudden loss of a spouse or child.

While it is a great privilege to be called upon is such situations, most of us feel overwhelmed and underprepared for the task. Many a God-loving, seminary-trained, caring minister has stepped into the mess of someone”s tragedy sincerely wanting to help, yet stepped away with families and loved ones disillusioned, hurt, and without the comfort they so desperately need. More often than not these harmful accounts are not the result of poor intentions, but poor assumptions.

I recently saw a pastor enter the hospital room of a dying woman and proclaim to the family, “I”m here now; everything”s going to be OK.” I cringed at the pastor”s words.

What must that family have been thinking? How are you going to make everything OK? Grandma is gone, but it doesn”t matter because you are here? What if there had been a relative in the room who didn”t yet know Jesus as Lord and Savior, what would this person have thought?

Yes, we can bring comfort and peace, yes we can share words of hope and love, and yes we can provide for physical needs, but we mustn”t be so arrogant as to think we can make things OK. We should be humble enough in the face of another”s loss and crisis to see our own limitations. All of my good words, actions, gestures, wisdom, and biblical knowledge will not restore their loved one, their health, house, or marriage. Only God can truly make things “OK”!

When it comes to tragic events, our role as pastor/shepherd is to lead others through the scary valleys and dark places of crisis and loss. We are the witnesses, representatives, and vessels of Christ”s love and care. We hold the hurting hand for Jesus. We speak words of comfort on his behalf. We listen with his ears, and love with his heart. Christ serves through us as we care for the physical, spiritual, and emotional needs of others.

Here are some helpful suggestions to make you more comfortable in your role as servant, pastor, and shepherd.

 

Ask permission to serve.

This is important in establishing your role to the family, as well as reminding yourself from the get-go that you are there to serve. This is important even if the family is well known to you or members of your congregation. Don”t assume you have the right to be there.

A simple, “What do you need most from me?” or “How can I help you most right now?” will communicate that you are there to serve them, not fix their situation. Families and loved ones may not know what they need at that moment, but at least you have opened the door.

 

Remember, you are a guest in their situation.

You have been invited by the family, hospital, or community agency to assist someone through a crisis, not further your own agenda, however well meaning. You may not be the first concern or thought on the mind of a family in crisis; don”t take it personally.

Show great respect and humility as you approach families and allow for a respectful distance and attitude toward their personal conversations with each other and with doctors, police, or fire personnel. Do not give your opinion on situation-specific issues like patient care, funeral homes, or who should be notified, unless you are expressly asked to help. And even then, do so only with great care and humility.

 

Avoid nice, but hollow platitudes.

When I am called upon to perform death notifications, I never beat around the bush with nice-sounding platitudes that really do not provide any help or comfort. Avoid statements such as, “They are in better place” or “They have just passed on.” Be straightforward with information. If the person is dead say, “I am sorry your loved one is dead.” The sooner people come to terms with the truth, the better off they will be in the long run.

This applies to spiritual truth as well. We want to communicate truths about Heaven and the joy of being in the presence of God, but we must also realize the hurt of the living is still real, raw, and valid. No amount of beating around the bush or Heaven talk is going to take away all of their earthly pain.

As I stood by the bedside of a wonderful Christian woman as she took her last breath, I simply said, “Jesus is Lord, and he is here with us now.” Our words need to validate and accept the reality of pain, grief, and loss, and act as a compass to the simple truths of the faith (i.e., Jesus is Lord, Jesus cares, and we can have hope in him).

 

Don”t presume to speak for God.

When I sat down on the kitchen floor with the young mother I mentioned earlier, she looked me in the eye and asked, “How could God take my baby?” Now, I could have spent the next 20 minutes trying to explain some theological principle about God”s will on earth, or I could simply hold her and let her grieve.

As I hugged her I told her, “I don”t know why your baby is gone, but I do know that God loves little babies more than you or I could ever understand.” Her question came from a place of desperation and pain, not of truly trying to understand the will of God. She did not need an answer. She needed reassurance that God cared.

My role as a pastor/shepherd in crisis situations is not to correct doctrine or to speak for God. Yes, as pastors we are to share the good news of Jesus and the truth of his Word, but we should not presume to have all of his answers and reasoning.

It is OK to say, “I don”t know,” even if you think you”re supposed to. I do not need to come up with an excuse for God, nor do I need to defend him or his will. I avoid statements like, “It was God”s plan and will,” or “God must have wanted your loved one with him,” and simply speak truth about God”s nature and character. “God is good.” “God is just.” “God loves us.” These are truths that will bring comfort to the hurting.

 

Don”t assume that your words will comfort more than your presence.

Shepherding people through crisis and tragedy is really a ministry of presence. Comforting people and helping them find a solid foundation of peace and hope is best accomplished by your patient, quiet presence, rather than many words and idle chatter. We desperately want to help, we get nervous and we don”t know what to do, so we talk.

One of my first calls as a chaplain was with an elderly woman who had just lost her husband of more than 50 years. I was nervous and wanted to say something that would help, so I began rambling. I asked her about her husband, pictures on the wall, the weather, her faith, and her cat. You name it, I rambled on about it.

After a few painful minutes she touched my hand and said, “Could you please just sit with me?” The fact that I was willing to just sit in the painful silence of her loss meant more to her than any words I could have spoken. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak” (James 1:19). Never underestimate the simple power of your presence.

Providing pastoral care in the midst of tragedy and crisis can be a scary and daunting responsibility. Remembering and practicing some basic principles, constant prayer and trust in God”s desire and power to love through you, will go a long way in your ability to successfully shepherd people through some of the hardest times in their lives.


 

 


Ken Swatman is senior pastor with the Oregon City (Oregon) Christian Church. He served as a police and fire chaplain for six years and is certified in crisis intervention and stress management.

1 Comment

  1. Loretta Saint-Louis

    Thanks so much for posting this. I am just starting out in ministry. This is just what I needed for a situation I will be facing tomorrow.

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