By Brad Dupray
Mike Foster has charted an unusual course of ministry through addressing the issue of pornography and its impact on our culture. In 2002, Mike founded XXXchurch.com and led the creative vision for that ministry until 2006. Now, Mike leads a ministry to help parents talk to their kids about pornography at www.ThePornTalk.com. Mike has appeared on CNN, FOX News, Good Morning America and has been featured in the New York Times. He currently lives in Southern California with his wife Jennifer and their two children, Jackson and Taylor.
The Porn Talk. That”s kind of a weird name. What does it mean?
We modeled it after the other talks that we have with our kids. We have “the sex talk,” we have “the drug talk,” we have “the drinking and driving talk,” so we thought we would add another talk called “The Porn Talk.” The Porn Talk is all about helping parents have a constructive conversation with their child about the dangers of pornography and the internet
As a person with Christian values, talking with anyone about pornography sounds pretty tough — let alone your own kids.
Because we live in the internet age, because of what our young people are exposed to, it is incredibly important that we, parents and grandparents, speak truth into our kids” lives. We must speak with honesty, we must speak with integrity and not shy away from the topics that we”re uncomfortable with, because that doesn”t help our children. Our children are looking to us to parent them, and part of being a parent is having difficult conversations with them.
How did you come up with the idea for the site?
The past three years I have been traveling around the country speaking on the topic of pornography and one consistent theme I saw in my conversations was that parents were completely clueless about the issues of pornography. They didn”t understand the technology, the issues or what was out there. Parents need help; they need to engage their kids. The sooner they can have those hard conversations with their kids the healthier their kids can be when their faced with these decisions. Instilling positive values in our kids is a key to their success.
How do you describe the site? Is it simply informational? An online community?
The site is an online resource for parents that expresses itself through content we have written for the site, conversation starters, the warning signs that parents need to look for and practical things to protect their kids. We have videos of parents sharing their testimonies of how they connect with their kids. We have vignettes of kids and how they want their parents to engage with them. We have a blog that we update three or four times a week where parents can add their comments and update their stories. Parents can also download our weekly “Tough Talks” podcasts which are about talking to their kids about sex and pornography and having these difficult conversations with their kids.
How do you keep the site from just being “pie in the sky” ideology?
We believe that part of the solution for parents is hearing other parents” stories — learning from what has worked with other parents and what hasn”t worked. Every situation is unique. We want to present many different ways to talk to your kids about pornography — there”s not just one way.
By addressing issues of pornography with your kids don”t you run the risk of drawing your kids into something they might not even be aware of?
I hear that a lot from parents. The reality of the situation is that your kids know more than you think they know. What we hope to do with the site is to have “the light bulb come on” for parents, to understand that this is a very important issue. Recent statistics show that 90% of teens have been exposed to online pornography. What I ask parents is, “What group is your teen in, the 90% who have been exposed or the 10% who have not?” Most kids have been exposed to pornography, know a lot about pornography and have probably been exposed to pornography on a regular basis.
Somebody will talk to your kids about this issue — it could be you, or it could be the porn industry, or your kid”s friends at school. We say, parents, it”s your responsibility to have that conversation first.
You talk about “our children,” isn”t internet pornography primarily an issue that affects boys?
No. One of the things we do on the site is to look at the pornography issue as both a boy and a girl issue. Teenagers in general, despite which sex they are, are being exposed to pornography. There is a different level of engagement, but pornography, internet dangers, predators — these are issues that affect both boys and girls.
Is it just “The Porn Talk,” or is it an ongoing conversation?
You can”t check it off your list. It”s an ongoing conversation where we”re instilling values in our kids as they”re growing up. That”s a role as parents, not only engaging kids in conversation, but also creating a safe environment where kids can talk to them about pornography, or sex, or things that are happening at school.
What”s an appropriate age-level for kids to be when Mom and Dad have that first porn talk?
We encourage parents to start having a dialog at a young age. Not just about pornography, but healthy sexuality. To avoid tough topics does not benefit our children.
Your son Jackson is 7, have you had a porn talk with him?
Jackson has actually asked me about pornography, because he”s heard me use the word. Did I get into the detail that I would with a teenager? Absolutely not. Parents need to use discretion. The site does a good job of using age appropriate talks when it comes to this issue.
Should kids take a look at The Porn Talk? Or is it too frank?
I think the site is appropriate for teenagers to look at — not for younger children. In our video section we have a lot of young people sharing about the issues and what”s going on at their school. Kids can see that they”re not alone and there are other kids facing these issues.
A lot of people might consider that they”re not “web-savvy.” Can people get scared off from approaching the issue just because it”s an electronic thing?
We do have porn talk coaching which people can do over the phone with a trained counselor and a coach. There are other great resources that people can pick up at their local Christian bookstore that deal with a lot of issues on the site. We are speaking about this issue in churches, too. That”s another way we”re expressing the information. Our particular ministry happens to be web based.
How about just telling your kids, “you can”t use the internet,” isn”t that the safest way to go?
No. It won”t work. You may be practicing “internet abstinence” in your home, but it doesn”t mean that your child”s friend is using the same policy. Kids can go to the library, school, a friend”s house to access pornography. There are tons of good things on the internet; to completely shut it out of our lives is not an appropriate response. What is appropriate is to put safety measures on our computers, to put computers in open areas that can be viewed by parents at all times.
What are some of the primary portals (entry-ways) kids are using to access the web?
It”s not just the personal computer anymore. We talk about eleven different ways your kids can get pornography. Any device that can access the internet is a portal to pornography. One way that we”re hearing a lot from kids is through their Play Station Portables (PSP”s). This is a gaming device that they can play games on, but because that particular device can hook into the internet wirelessly they”re able to access pornography through it. The cell phone is a new emerging industry for pornography. Last year there was over $1.3 billion in cell phone pornography charges. Cell phone delivery, portable device delivery is the next wave. The PC will be passé for what your kids are using for access.
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