How to Talk to Your Children About the Virginia Tech Shootings

By Mary Manz Simon

Standard Publishing offers help from Dr. Mary Manz Simon on ways parents can answer their children’s questions about the tragic events at Virginia Tech University

The initial shock and disbelief of the Virginia Tech massacre has started to diminish.  Now, parents across the country are asking, “What do we tell the children?”

This is an appropriate question.  “As the news reports unfolded on Monday, our tech-savvy kids text-messaged and e-mailed friends,” says Dr. Mary Manz Simon. “They”ve now heard replays of the chilling pop-pop-pop of gunfire as videophone images replayed on their bedroom computer. The immediacy of the danger has shocked everyone, even kids who are growing up in a risk-aware world.”

Simon suggests parent-child conversations about the incident start with a single question, “What have you heard?”Â  Simon explains, “The discussion then begins at the child”s starting point.”

The veteran educator and mother of three offers these 10 tips for talking about the university massacre:

1.  Assure your child he is safe.

A child tends to personalize events that happen, regardless of how far away tragedies occur.  Even if he doesn”t ask the question, a child wants to know, “Will a shooter come to my school?”Â  Explain how you have always made efforts to keep her safe.  Let her help you think of ways school personnel create a safe place to be.

2.  Follow your child”s lead.

Be honest.  Give the facts, but don”t overload or add unnecessary details simply because you want to talk through the tragedy.

3. Accept your child”s feelings, whatever they are.

Your child will respond in ways that reflect his personality.  That means if your child typically talks through situations, you have probably already discussed many aspects of the massacre. If your child tends to think and ponder, you may want to help him open up.  Don”t impose your personal feelings on your child.

4. Confirm emergency policies at your child”s school.

Make sure the school has your up-to-date contact information. If you have not already done so, post the school”s emergency phone number and Web site in a highly visible place for immediate reference.  This is especially important if information has changed during the school year. Also ask how your child feels about current lockdown procedures.

5.  Monitor news.

After your child has heard the facts, turn off the television. Don”t allow unsupervised use of the computer or cell phone. Kids can get support from e-mailing and texting friends, but tech-transmitted urban legends and localized rumors also spread rapidly.

6.  Continue routines.

Much of a child”s sense of safety and security comes from daily rituals. Even though we might be emotionally unsettled, normalcy should reign at home. That communicates the message, “Yes, something terrible happened a long way from here. But you still need to put away your toys.”

7.  Respect your child”s time line and level of interest.

Your child might not want to talk about the incident this week.  But after a school fire drill two weeks from now, she might have trouble going to sleep.  Observe her nonverbal clues; listen intently to what she says to understand how she is processing the aftermath.

8.  Stay alert for signals that your child needs additional support.

The tragic images might replay endlessly in a child”s mind.  Give repeated hugs and reminders that “Your teacher will help you stay safe.” Your child”s typical personality (with all its pluses and minuses) will probably stabilize within the next several weeks.

If your child shows behaviors not typical for him, speak with the school counselor.

9.  Encourage stress reduction.

Many schools are currently conducting annual academic tests.  Even without a tragic event, this is a time of high stress for students.  Make sure your child has plenty of opportunity for physical release of emotions.

10. Pray with your child.

Already this week, we have observed politicians and other celebrities in prayer.  This is exactly what we should be doing, for the apostle Paul encourages us to never stop praying (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

A child who can”t understand what has happened might get frustrated or angry that God would allow this tragedy to occur.  Remind your child that nothing surprises God.  We can be sure that not only is God in control, but he says, “I will bless you with a future filled with hope” (Jeremiah 29:11).

This is the promise that we all can embrace during the days to come.