By Vince Antonucci
Why do we make the mistakes we make? Why does the senior minister have an affair with his secretary? Why won”t the youth pastor confront the student struggling with the not-so-secret sin? Why won”t the elder agree to the change that obviously needs to be made? Why does the preacher spend all his time counseling until the fatigue becomes too much and he leaves the ministry?
Obviously, every situation is different, but in almost every case, most of the mistakes we make in ministry result from a lack of self-awareness.
What do I mean by self-awareness? Well, there are a variety of facets that make up who you are. And your understanding of yourself is critical to your success. If you don”t understand yourself, you”ll probably make mistakes.
Family of Origin
What are some facets that make up who you are? One is your family of origin. What kind of family were you raised in? How did your parents teach you? Whatever the answers, they”ve had a profound effect on who you are. For instance, your family of origin impacts your ability to form relationships and trust people. It also affects how you handle confrontation. Perhaps you learned to yell about everything, or to run from conflict, or to sweep problems under the carpet. Your family of origin also influences whether you now have a healthy self-esteem. If you”re too concerned with what people think of you and are quick to defend yourself””which are probably the result of how you were raised””it will lead to ministry blunders.
This self-esteem issue also influences whether you have the ability to self-differentiate. Self-differentiation is a person”s ability to view himself apart from others and their opinions of him. A self-differentiated leader is not emotionally fused or enmeshed with others. Such a leader is able to speak truth even if it”s not received favorably, and make difficult decisions even when they are unpopular. A nonself-differentiated pastor will hear a person criticize his sermon, then spend the rest of the day thinking about it. He doesn”t make the change the church needs because people may not approve.
Your family of origin also may include sins that impact your life today. For example, maybe you grew up in the home of an alcoholic, or your father had affairs, or you were abused in some way.
Cognitive Approach
Another facet that makes up who you are is your cognitive approach. Do you make decisions internally or externally? On your own or with others? This knowledge is critical for a leader. If a leader goes through the entire decision-making process internally, then one day announces a big change he wants to make, people will wonder, Where did this come from? Or if you”re the type who does the process externally it may lead others to wonder if you have a split personality as they hear you vacillate between two positions. Ministry blunder, here we come.
Personality
If you”re trying to understand who you are, you can”t ignore your personality. How do you process information and relate to other people? Are you introverted or extroverted? Big picture or detail oriented? More of a thinker or feeler? A planner or more spontaneous?
You need to understand your personality, because everyone else has observed it. And it will lead to all kinds of problems if you don”t understand how others perceive you.
Talents
Another facet of you is your talents””your abilities, strengths, and spiritual gifts. If you don”t know what those are, problems will ensue. And maybe the worst thing is thinking of yourself as (or attempting to be) “well-rounded.” God did not make you well-rounded; if he did you wouldn”t need anyone else. Someone has said, “Great leaders are never well-rounded. Great teams always are.”
Experiences
Finally, what experiences has God given you, and how have they impacted who you are today? What successes, failures, troubles, and suffering have you been through?
Let”s Get Personal
Whether you realize it or not, most of the mistakes you”ve made come from a lack of self-awareness. I can certainly see that in my life.
For instance, 12 years ago I started a church in Virginia Beach, Virginia. I lacked self-awareness. I didn”t understand how introverted I was, and I didn”t have a grasp on my lack of ability to form relationships with new people, which is probably due to my family of origin. I wasn”t wanted at birth and my father later abandoned me. A counselor recently told me he thinks I have an attachment disorder. But I didn”t understand any of that as we put our staff together.
And our staff consisted of . . . three introverts who lacked certain abilities to form relationships with new people. Is that what you want when starting a brand new church in a brand new city? No. Does it lead to problems in your church? Yes. And why did I make that mistake? Lack of self-awareness.
I just started another church, now 12 years later, and again we have a staff of three. And the other two people on our staff are both extroverts who are great at building relationships with new people.
Another mistake I made was not firing a guy who had some moral issues on our staff back in Virginia Beach. Though he was working on these issues, he still had them. But more significant was his bad attitude, which had a negative impact on our staff and on his volunteers. He also had a poor work ethic. For years””years!””we should have fired him, but didn”t. Why? We kept saying God is a God of grace, and we wanted to show him grace. And we wanted to help him work through his problems. And what about his family? Why should his wife and kids have to suffer the consequences for his issues?
And all of that was true. But it wasn”t the whole truth. I think I also had a problem with self-differentiation. I was concerned with what people would think of me if I fired him. How would they view me as a leader if I couldn”t lead him out of his problems? Might they question if I was as committed to offering God”s grace to people as I said I was?
If I had more self-awareness I would have better understood my struggle, and probably would have made the right decision.
Similar personal issues and problems are behind a whole host of ministry blunders.
Why does the senior minister have an affair with his secretary? Maybe partly because he doesn”t understand how his father formed his views on women and sexuality.
And why won”t the youth pastor confront the student struggling with the not-so-secret sin? Perhaps it”s because his parents taught him to avoid confrontation at all costs.
And why won”t the elder agree to a change that obviously needs to be made? It could be that he doesn”t understand his own cognitive approach and personality type.
And why does the preacher spend all his time counseling until the fatigue becomes too much and he leaves the ministry? Perhaps it”s because he has no idea of the gifts and talents God bestowed upon him, and those God did not.
So What Do We Do About It?
If all of this is true, what do we do about it? We become more self-aware. We read books like Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero, and A Hunger For Healing by Keith Miller, and A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman. We take tests and inventories such as the Myers-Briggs or DiSC personality tests, or a spiritual gifts inventory or the Gallup StrengthsFinder test. We involve other people in the process””a mentor, accountability partner, or counselor to whom we give permission to point out blind spots.
I need to better understand who I am so I can become a better version of who I am, which will lead to my making fewer mistakes.
Vince Antonucci is pastor of Verve Church in Las Vegas, Nevada. He has been in ministry 16 years and has started two churches. This is the text from one of two workshops he offered at this year”s NACC.
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