THIS IS THE FIFTH AND FINAL IN A SERIES OF Â “STICKY CONVERSATIONS”
By Julie Gariss
As commonplace as the ritual of divorce has become, it is still impossible to fully comprehend the pain that accompanies a broken marriage. That is especially true within the church.
Divorces frequently are followed by remarriages. This pattern shows the deep desire by most adults to live in an intimate marriage relationship. And even though the second or third attempt may finally produce a healthy and whole union, the ghost of a marriage past still haunts.
How should the church respond to the all-too-familiar cycle of divorce and remarriage among its members? The answer probably is not to accept the familiar as normal or right!
The church has reacted far too often with condemnation. There is no value in excluding those who need the community of believers to heal. But there is little wisdom or virtue in overcorrecting and now cheapening grace.
Is it possible to come to an understanding of the scriptural principles, put them alongside the marital circumstances of today, and stay true to God while helping struggling couples? While there is no way to cover every question, I would like to offer some basic conclusions on this sticky subject.
Where to Begin?
In Matthew 19, the Pharisees asked Jesus: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” Jesus eventually answered the question, but his approach is one we should emulate. He harkened back to God”s original intent””marriage between a man and a woman for a lifetime. Tony Evans rightly said, “You can”t have an intelligent conversation about divorce until you have a divine understanding about marriage.”
We must start where Jesus did. We must constantly be in the business of holding up the model of God”s divine plan for marriage; where there is no godly model, quite sadly, there is nothing godly to replicate.
While I believe marriage counseling by licensed practitioners and clergy is helpful, it often comes too late. I would much prefer a church work to lift up healthy, mature marriages. Let those marriages be showcased in testimonies from couples who have worked through the difficulties and stuck together. Let those couples be the ones to lead the premarital and marriage enrichment courses. Let those couples be given voice in intermediate, high school, and college-age ministries.
I will never forget the young man we frequently had in our home over the course of a year. He had watched his father leave his mother many times, divorce finally ending the cycle. In the note he left us before leaving for a new job, this part was particularly moving: “˜You have taught me more about marriage and family in one year than I have learned in my whole life.”
Little did we know we were teaching anything””we were simply living life! But his point is well taken: we can never underestimate the example of a married couple trying to live up to the divine plan. Instead of always separating our church into generational groups, we have missed the great opportunity of allowing those from poorly functioning families to rub shoulders with Christians in healthy marriages.
Freedom for the Guilty
When Jesus did answer the Pharisees” question, it rubbed raw.
In Jesus” day, the divorce rate was high with people buying into the popular rabbinical teaching of divorce for “any cause” (comparable to our no-fault divorces). The teaching came from a poor interpretation of Deuteronomy 24, one that falsely claimed Moses was the one who had “commanded” it.
Jesus reminded them Moses didn”t command divorce; he allowed divorce, and even then, their interpretation was far from what Moses imagined. Divorce in his day was Moses” way of dealing with unrepentant, stubborn people””those who refused to live in marital faithfulness with their spouse. Divorce was to offer protection for the victim, not freedom to the guilty party.
Divorce, as seen in God”s eyes, is nothing more than public acknowledgement that someone has broken his or her vows. Therefore when a victim, after much patience and prayer, finally files for a divorce, the filing is not the sin; the unfaithfulness of the spouse is the sin. Grace and support to a victim should be lavishly granted. And if the victim should ever consider remarriage with a godly mate, I believe we may join God in blessing them.
Sexual Immorality?
Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:32). The Greek word translated “sexual immorality” is porneia. Bob Russell has said sexual immorality is “illicit sexual activity . . . intimate sexual involvement with someone other than the mate.” I would add that the term also indicates a continual practice, or at least one that is unrepentant.
Today, sexual immorality is just a click away. A 2011 article in the Christian Post shared a ChristiaNet survey reporting that 50 percent of Christian men and 20 percent of Christian women are addicted to pornography. According to the survey, 56 percent of divorces involve a party that has an obsessive interest in pornographic websites. This “hidden sin” of the church must be addressed. We must encourage men and women whose spouses are involved in this addiction to seek help from the church before running to the court. The principle of Matthew 18:15-17 begs for the involvement of God”s people””not only to save relationships, but for the very salvation of an individual.
It is imperative to note that when God called his people into a covenant with him, sexual purity was to be one of the marks that separated the people of God from other nations. In Leviticus 18, God specifically forbids incest, adultery, immoral behavior with children, homosexuality, and bestiality. In the New Testament, sexual purity continued to be a mark identifying God”s kingdom people. In Matthew 19, Jesus did not sanction Moses” allowances, but reminded the people of God”s expectations from the beginning. In other words, Jesus did not lower the bar, he raised it! No wonder the disciples commented that it was better not to marry.
God takes marriage very seriously””it is after all, his show-and-tell example of how Christ loves his bride, and how in turn, the bride is to love Jesus.
Leaders and Divorce
With regard to leadership in the church, the words, “the husband of but one wife” (New International Version, 1984), found in Paul”s list of elder qualifications (1 Timothy 3:2), have caused much consternation.
Paul most likely was saying that faithfulness to one”s present wife was the requirement, and not the mistakes of one”s old life (2 Corinthians 5:17). But what if the candidate had divorced and remarried after coming to Christ? Again, common sense should prevail. To bar a person from leadership when the termination of a previous marriage was due to the unfaithfulness of a mate would be illogical. But the matter of timing is important; always allow time for true integrity to be shown. After all, an office title is not needed to serve Christ.
Offer His Grace
How do we take care of Christians who have divorced or remarried for unbiblical reasons?
We do the same thing Jesus has done for each of us””we offer his grace. To say that divorce and remarriage for wrong motives cannot be forgiven, is to say Christ”s blood is not enough to cover these sins.
But we do a disservice if we devalue the cost of grace. Jesus offered grace to the woman caught in adultery, but he also said, “Go now and leave your life of sin” (John 8:11). Paul, who experienced grace overflowing, would say, “Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?” (Romans 6:1, 2). The grace of Jesus compels forgiven people to live a life pleasing to him.
My husband and I live in a house that has settled. It happened over the course of a decade or two; it was so subtle, we hardly noticed. But it became hard to ignore when a few cracks appeared in the walls. Later on, a door or two would stick or a grandson”s bouncy ball would invariably roll to the same corner of a room. The settling happened because the house was being attacked periodically by an onslaught of extreme weather conditions””severe drought to soggy mud. There was damage, but it was corrected when we shored up the foundation.
The high divorce rate in the American church is an indication that our foundation is settling. It would be wrong to ignore the damage that has occurred. And even though, for many, it feels like a personal attack, we must have the courage to shore up the foundation. May someday soon it be said of our Christian marriages, “Behold, how they love one another.”
Julie Gariss is a minister”s wife in Joplin, Missouri, and the author of Living Whole in a Broken World (College Press).Â
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Some Responses
Tom Jones, Johnson City, Tennessee: Jesus was full of grace and truth. Divorce, like many other “sticky” issues that confront Christians, must be embraced with both grace and truth.
Jeff Faull, Mooresville, Indiana: I agree with the gist of most of Julie”s thoughts on marriage and divorce. Our scramble toward grace is commendable, but not at the expense of truth, teaching and modeling healthy Christian marriages. It is obvious Julie has carefully thought through these issues and has written a thought-provoking opinion.
Amy Hanson, Council Bluffs, Iowa: We know, but may not live out, Julie”s point that marriage is the “show-and-tell example of how Christ loves his bride, and how in turn, the bride is to love Jesus.” While we need to be open and gracious to those who are divorced, I believe leaders need to become bolder in exhorting couples whose marriages are on the brink of ending to love their partners as Christ loves us. And perhaps even to love their partner as Hosea loved Gomer. This certainly doesn”t come easy, but God calls his people to love unselfishly. When we do, we become a testimony to the world.
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It has been said that the church, God’s army, is the only army on earth that shoots their wounded. I was divorced and I remarried a woman that had been divorced. One Sunday we decided to go to a church where we knew the people and they knew us and our former spouses. Some hugs and handshakes took place. We filled a long pew with our blended family. We were humbly and nervously happy to worship with many people we considered friends. But just before the service was to begin, the pastor and another leader came to the end of our pew and told us we had to leave. For an instance I was stunned and did not realize they were serious, but they were. I wanted to try to ignore them and just sit there. But our children started saying we should just go. We left. It is one of many wounds in my life that sometimes still festers, but I really wonder how it has affected our children. Only God knows the heart.
What a sad sad reaction to a family that clearly wanted to start anew and by their actions were seeking God in coming to His house. The church leaders, instead of being an open channel to God’s love that can be found in the joining together with other Christians, took action that wasn’t theirs to take. If this had been an adultrous couple, flaunting their aultery in public, the church leaders’ actions would have been understood (had they been more sensitive in their timing and place of censorship).
I feel sure those people, and the children especially, will never forget that public admonishment and being driven out of a congregation of God’s people. We can only hope this event did not discourage these families from seeking communion with wiser Christians.
There are many nuances and differing circumstance surrounding each instance of divorce. Divorce is an ugly hurtful scar on society. Correct handling of it can be so difficult it requires the wisdom of God, which we can only attain through prayer and guidance of His written word. We know God hates divorce, but when He gave us that statement, He didn’t say to use it as a weapon to drive away divorcees from joining with other Christians. God meant His forgiveness for everyone.
A major reason why I do not attend worship in your American churches is because `if they really knew me’ I would not be welcome. I struggle enough with the idea that I am acceptable to God without the condemnation of the church I was raised in and eventually was a leader in……
While Mrs. Gariss does a credible job of addressing a difficult issue, she seems to only bring a partial dimension of God’s grace to the current event. She consistently identifies the only justifiable reason for divorce (marital unfaithfulness) as being God’s protection for the victim. Is this the only reason church people get divorced? (No) What about the marital offenders? Is there no grace for the repentant adulterer? This issue of grace is not considered in the article. This is not a criticism but rather an observation.
Hi Robert,
In a rage I killed a man. I hid his body and kind of thought I got away with it. I eventually got connected to God and then even after being very reluctant, God kind of forced me to be the leader of over a million people. I know of another guy in a different country. He was a leader in one church and he thought he was so “right” and some other believers were so wrong that he figured out how to have some of them jailed and some even killed. His name is Paul. I murdered and was often cowardly, but God eventually used me big time. My name is Moses.
Paul said of himself that he was the worst of sinners but he did not use that as an excuse to not do good. One lady washed Jesus’s feet with her tears. She had big tears because she knew Jesus was not going to condemn her. She felt Jesus’s love and acceptance. When we understand that Jesus/God forgives us, then we start the either short or long process to forgive ourselves. Jesus says those that have sinned big time often feel the love of forgiveness big time. Did the lady washing Jesus’s feet feel forgiveness from the other people in the room? Probably not, but did she care? It seems clear she focused on the forgiver of the universe first. I believe we should love the forgiver so much that it helps us forgive ourselves and find an evolving way to accept and forgive the others.
A person can be the adulterer, the muderer, the judgemental legalistic condemner, or the victim. Robert, are you washing Jesus’s feet with your tears or are you somewhat slapping Jesus by staying away from us other sinners in church? My heart goes out to you. I am so blessed. I go to a church with a bunch of people that are like me. We have been in and out of all kinds of sins. Us sinners are so blessed.