By Osharye Hagood
Rudy and I began this journey called marriage without much of a map, and just like the phones in our day, our marriage had no GPS. Back then, all we knew was that we loved each other, it was us against the world, it’s better to marry than to burn with passion, and we could do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
I still think that’s a pretty good start. And with that, we were on this journey and navigating its complexities with purpose, passion, our hope in Christ, and our good intentions. As it was then, and remains to be to this day, our primary tools are our communion with God and our communication with one another. Our communion with God revealed that God calls husbands to love their wives, and for wives to respect their husbands. However, we learned quickly that just as travelers need varied tools to find their way, we needed varied tools to help us know each other better so that we could love and respect one another well. The tools of value for us were personal assessments, personality tests, gift assessments, and readings. Marriage is often described as a journey; a journey two people embark on together, hoping to build a life filled with love, joy, and mutual fulfillment. One way to enhance the journey is to get to know one another well.
Personal Assessments
Personal assessments have served as a regular check-up for our marriage, much like routine maintenance for a car. In full transparency, we were separately learning about ourselves through the personal assessments we took, either out of personal curiosity or due to job requirements. Tests such as Strength Finders and DISC are excellent examples of personal assessments that can provide insights into our strengths and behavioral styles. As we received our results, we were excited to share them with each other, partly to see if the other agreed with the findings. This often led to the other person taking the same assessment. By regularly evaluating the state of ourselves, we could see how this added to our relationship. Learning more about each other helped us identify areas that needed improvement and allowed us to celebrate one another’s strengths. Personal assessments help couples stay aware of each other’s needs, feelings, and changes over time, ensuring that small issues are addressed before they become significant problems.
Personality Tests
Although similar to personal assessments, personality tests differ because they focus on identifying inherent traits and tendencies rather than skills or behavioral styles. These tests, such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and the Enneagram, help partners understand each other’s inherent traits and tendencies. Learning that Rudy was an introvert who thrives on connections (networking), and that his strengths and gifts awaken and shine when he is among people, was a game-changer for me. Knowing his personality type improved our communication, reduced misunderstandings, and fostered empathy. In plain language, I got mad at him less. For example, Rudy’s introversion and my extroversion sometimes led to arguments. Personality tests helped us find ways to balance social activities and personal time that respected each of our needs. I understood better that once the party was over, Rudy, “Mr. Social,” needed about 30 minutes of “alone time” when we got home. This was very different from my preference of coming straight in and beginning again with my full blast extroverted energy, excited to debrief the day.
A study titled, “Big Five Traits and Relationship Satisfaction: The Mediating Role of Self-Esteem,” by Mund, Finn, Hagemeyer, and Neyer (2018), published in The Journal of Research in Personality, examines how the Big Five personality traits (neuroticism, agreeableness, conscientiousness, extraversion, and openness) influence relationship satisfaction through the mediation of self-esteem. The research suggests that understanding each other’s inherent traits and tendencies is crucial for relationship satisfaction.
Reading Together
We were also helped by reading books on marriage together. As a result, we learned not only that our personalities are different, but also our inner languages are distinct. Rudy learned to speak Osharye’s language, and I learned to speak Rudy’s language. Speaking to one another with the help of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages helped us understand how each of us preferred to express and receive love. Knowing whether your partner values words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch will transform how you express love and appreciation. This understanding ensures that both partners feel valued and cherished in the ways that matter most to them. It helps married couples respond with skill to the biblical teaching of loving your wife and respecting your husband.
Education is a powerful tool in any endeavor, and marriage is no exception. Reading books and articles about marriage provides couples with new insights, strategies, and perspectives. It’s like consulting a detailed travel guide before embarking on a journey. Literature on marriage offers evidence-based advice, real-life examples, and expert opinions that can help couples navigate their relationship more effectively. Continuous learning and growth are essential for adapting to the inevitable changes and challenges that marriage brings.
Dealing with Setbacks
On any journey, there will be setbacks, moments when things go wrong, such as “blowing a tire” on a journey in a car. In marriage, these setbacks can emerge as arguments, misunderstandings, or other crises. Just like a blown tire is no reason to throw the car away, neither should an argument, a misunderstanding, or a crisis be a reason to throw a marriage away. Instead, a blown tire is cause for calling a tow truck (a crisis counselor) and getting the tire replaced, which might mean using a temporary tire called a donut (trying a different approach for a while). Counseling provides professional guidance to help couples resolve conflicts and rebuild their connection. Trying new approaches, whether it’s communication techniques or ways to spend quality time together, helps to keep the relationship moving forward.
Marriage is a journey that requires more than just love to navigate successfully. By equipping ourselves with the right tools—personal assessments, personality tests, gift assessments, and a commitment to ongoing learning—couples can enhance their journey toward happiness. Setbacks are inevitable, but with the right approach, they become opportunities for growth rather than reasons to give up. Just as travelers rely on maps and GPS systems to reach their destinations, couples can rely on these tools to build a strong, fulfilling, and lasting marriage on our way to loving our wives and respecting our husbands.
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