Three Young Ladies Who Left the Church: An Uber Story

By Bryan A. Sands

I never thought my Uber vehicle would turn into a sanctuary on wheels, nor that an Uber ride would become an opportunity for a group of young ladies to share why they have stopped attending church. But that’s exactly what happened recently.

Let me emphasize that this is just one story where three young adults shared why they left the church. It does not represent every reason why young adults are leaving the church, but it resonates with other stories I have heard.

One study concluded that one million young people are leaving the church every year. If that number continues, the future of the Church is bleak. I look at those statistics, and even the conversation I had with these young adults, and see a need for churches to be planted, as well as a need for churches to rethink, and perhaps even overhaul, how they connect with Millennials, Generation Zers, and Alphas.  

Three Young Adults Left the Church

I picked up three young ladies going to a bar for a 25-minute trip around eleven at night. We shared opening pleasantries when they entered the vehicle, then they started talking among themselves and their plans for the night.

Shortly after our departure, I heard one of the girls sitting in the back seat mention recovering from “church trauma!” That piqued my interest. When I felt it was appropriate, I piped up and said, “May I ask a question?” They gladly responded in the affirmative, so I asked, “What do you mean about church trauma?”

The young lady in the back who initially brought up the topic stated, “What I mean is the expectations that were placed on us by our parents, ‘act this way, dress this way, just behave.’ And that type of message created an insecurity in us because we were always wondering if we measured up to the expectations of our parents and pastors.”

I followed up by stating, “That must have created a performance mentality, which must have been exhausting.” They all agreed. Another young lady said, “My stepdad is a pastor so there was another layer of pressure.”

As the three were sharing it was clear that this performance culture took a toll. But it was more than this performance culture that created trauma in their lives, it was also the messaging of a “purity culture.”

The Purity Culture and the Rose

When they brought up the purity culture, I was even more interested. I had been a youth pastor in the early 2000s, published a book about sexual faithfulness, and have always been interested in this topic. As the three young ladies talked, they shared a toxic message about the purity culture. To them, the message was that a girl who had sex outside of marriage was tainted and had nothing left to give to her future husband, but the male was forgiven and lost nothing. Their grievance was within this imbalance.

As I listened, I couldn’t help but think about a famous illustration many of us youth pastors used in the 90s and early 2000s. It was always a message for the females in the audience. The speaker would hold a rose before the audience and say something like, “Young ladies, every time you ‘mess around’ with a guy, you give a part of yourself away. Every time you kiss a guy inappropriately, every time you go too far, you give a part of yourself away.” And with each statement, the speaker would pull a petal from the rose and let it drop to the floor. In the end, the speaker would ask, “Now, what do you have to give your future husbands?” while holding an empty stem with the rose petals strewn upon the floor. The implied answer, of course, was “nothing.”

The message many of us youth pastors communicated with illustrations like this—albeit with good intentions—brought emotional pain and hurt to many young ladies. And, while this emotional pain and hurt may not appear right away, it often showed up later in life—as demonstrated by the three young ladies who shared their experience with me in my Uber car.

Refreshing

As we pulled up to their destination, they said, “Thank you for listening. That was so refreshing to share and have someone listen.” Their response reinforced to me the importance of listening and asking good questions; seeking to understand before being understood.

These young ladies are on a faith journey of healing and growth. I still believe they acknowledge Jesus as Savior, but they’re still working out their faith and processing past traumas, which will take time. As the church, we must accept their timing and be available for them.

Ask yourself (and your church leaders) a few of these questions:

• Are you listening to young people in your church?
• Are you placing unnecessary burdens on young people?
• Have you given young people a chance to talk?
• Do you hear them out and ask questions to understand them?
• What do you do to empower young people?

The bottom line is that young people are leaving the church in droves, and Jesus loves them. The loving action for us to take is to connect with them, listen to them, and demonstrate the love of Jesus through our time, encouragement, understanding, and mentoring.

Bryan A. Sands is a Husband, Girl Dad, Pastor, Author, and Church Planter. Follow Bryan on social media and YouTube @bryanAsands. You can read some of his other Uber faith stories here: Christian Standard Uber Article and Relevant Magazine Uber Article