By Osharye Hagood
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens . . . . a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4).
Let’s imagine our emotions on a wheel, like the wheel on Wheel of Fortune. It’s big, sturdy, and strong, but also delicate, shifting and spinning with the slightest movement. In our marriages, this emotional wheel constantly turns. Anger, sadness, frustration, joy, peace, contentment, fear, and uncertainty each take their turn as life’s circumstances spin the wheel. Just as the Wheel of Fortune feels weighty and substantial, so do the emotions in our marriages. Yet, like the wheel, emotions can also be delicate and sensitive to the smallest changes. The balance of the wheel depends on how we choose to respond to its turns, not on one emotion dominating the rest. The question we need to ask is, “Do we want to make a decision based on one emotion?”
In the early stages of marriage, couples often long for feelings of passion. It’s like standing at the wheel, waiting to spin it, hoping to land on the jackpot that promises excitement, passion, or happiness. But as anyone who has watched Wheel of Fortune knows, you don’t always land on what you want. You spin, hoping for joy, but sometimes land on frustration or uncertainty. That’s the nature of emotions in marriage—they don’t always come neatly packaged or on demand.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7).
For example, there may be moments when one spouse’s frustration feels like a signal of danger for the relationship. Early in our marriage, I remember my spouse, Rudy, would be frustrated if a basketball game didn’t go well. His quietness and non-communication for hours afterward led me to believe that something was wrong in our marriage. I thought that a good marriage meant being happy all the time, so I assumed his frustration was a reflection of our relationship. In reality, his emotions were tied to the game, not our marriage. Learning to allow each other space to feel without overreacting is part of the journey.
Once those signals are misread, emotions can spiral out of control. Fear and uncertainty often take over, spinning the wheel of reaction, leading to unnecessary problems. Thoughts race—“Is my spouse unhappy? Is something wrong with us?”—when in fact, their emotions may have nothing to do with the relationship. Understanding that each person’s feelings are their own, not always reflective of the marriage, is a vital lesson in emotional balance.
Early in marriage, it’s easy to believe that excitement equals happiness. Like constantly spinning the wheel, we hope to land on excitement or passion, thinking it proves our marriage is alive. When my spouse was sitting peacefully or enjoying a quiet moment, I often interpreted it as boredom. I failed to recognize peace for what it was—an essential part of stability and contentment. Because I didn’t value this peace, I would try to stir up excitement, mistakenly believing it would lead to a deeper connection.
This desire for excitement sometimes led to tension and arguments, creating a sense of intensity, but not the loving connection we truly desired. True passion, I ultimately learned, can emerge from peaceful moments, and constant excitement isn’t the only path to a healthy, happy marriage. Again, I had to ask, “Do I want to make decisions based on one emotion?”
Fear can often creep in when we don’t fully understand what’s happening in our relationship. It’s like spinning the wheel, hoping to avoid it, but finding it appears anyway. Fear creates a sense of impending danger or the need to protect ourselves, even when there’s no real threat. In marriage, fear can distort reality, making problems seem bigger than they are. But when we recognize fear as a reaction to uncertainty, we can face it without allowing it to dominate our decisions.
Uncertainty also plays a role on the emotional wheel. It arises when we don’t know what the future holds. In marriage, this can feel unsettling, as we crave stability. Yet, uncertainty can invite us to trust in God, to have faith in one another, and to believe in the strength of the relationship, even when answers aren’t clear. Learning to sit with uncertainty without rushing to resolve it shows maturity and deep trust.
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20).
Anger burns with passion, while sadness connects us to deeper emotions. Frustration, a blend of the two, signals that something needs adjustment. On the opposite side of the wheel, we find peace, joy, and contentment. Peace is the strength that offers stability, joy sustains us, and contentment reminds us to appreciate the present. By embracing the full emotional wheel—anger, joy, fear, and uncertainty—we learn to make decisions from balance, not from one dominant emotion.
“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (Philippians 4:11-12).
Let’s approach marriage with the understanding that our emotions are part of a dynamic, ever-spinning wheel. Let’s avoid overemphasizing an isolated feeling. Instead, let’s embrace the full spectrum of how God created us, making decisions that honor the balance of all our emotions. Passion may ignite the relationship at times, but it’s peace, joy, and contentment that foster lasting growth and stability. By valuing the emotional wheel in its entirety, couples can move through life’s ups and downs with unity and resilience.
Emotions are a natural part of marriage for both spouses. Anger, sadness, frustration, peace, joy, and contentment are all part of the journey. The key to making sound decisions in marriage is to consider the whole spectrum of these emotions. None of them, individually, should be the sole driver of major decisions. True growth and stability in marriage come from recognizing that each emotion has its place, but balance among them creates a healthy and thriving relationship. Perhaps asking, “Do we want to make a decision based on one emotion?” can help keep the wheel of emotions in check for both partners.
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