By David Vaughan
In 1 Kings 19, Elijah the man of God was ready to turn in his prophet’s badge. One of the greatest prophets in the entire Bible was burned out and bummed out. He was discouraged, depleted, and done. He was also extremely lonely.
Clearly he isn’t the only one to struggle with loneliness. King David cried out in despair to God in Psalm 25:16, describing himself as “lonely and afflicted.” Paul described a season of loneliness in 2 Timothy 4:16 when he wrote, ”no one came to support me, but everyone deserted me.” Even Jesus, in his darkest moment just hours before he was crucified, experienced some degree of human loneliness. All of his friends fell asleep, Judas betrayed him, and Peter denied him, eventually leading him to cry out, “My God, why have you forsaken me?”
Clearly, if you’re lonely right now, you’re in good company. A recent Barna report observed that 43 percent of the pastors in the study who had considered quitting the ministry felt lonely and isolated. What’s ironic is we’ve never been more connected digitally, yet never more alone relationally. For the past two decades, through social media, we have been able to meet new people, reconnect with old friends, and stay in touch with family. How could we still be lonely? Because in a high-tech world, we still need a high touch church.
If the COVID Pandemic taught us anything, it’s that loneliness is lethal. Humans are hard wired for connection and community.
Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, Surgeon General of the United States, affirmed this in a startling way in his 2023 landmark report, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. He writes,
Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling—it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.
Read that again slowly and let it soak in. Loneliness is lethal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Especially if you’re a church pastor or spouse of one. Those of us who read and believe the Bible don’t need a report to tell us this. We already knew it from way back in Genesis 2:18 when God said, ”It is not good for man to be alone.”
Got Questions.org noted interestingly the word lonely is never used in the New Testament to describe people. In the New Testament, lonely occurs only twice and both times refers to desolate places (Mark 1:45; Luke 5:16), where Jesus moved off into the wilderness to be alone.
Cleary there is a significant distinction between being alone (healthy and essential) and being lonely (unhealthy and exhausting). It’s the difference between living a lovely life or a lonely one.
Leaders should occasionally choose to be alone in solitude, but there are types of loneliness they don’t choose. The loneliness of hard decisions, criticism from jealous colleagues, and the weight of the divine call on your life. Those are inevitable as a pastor. But there is a huge difference between solitude and isolation. Former General Electric CEO Jack Welch wrote in a Business Week article, ”There’s something about being a boss that incontrovertibly lends itself to isolation.”
The good news is you can choose whether you are alone or lonely as you lead. In his book Leadership Gold, John Maxwell says one of the most common phrases heard is, ”It’s lonely at the top.” He disagrees with that statement. ”If you’re lonely at the top, then you’re doing something wrong.” When done well, ministry is not a solo sport!
This brings us back to Elijah. When he was at his lowest, God was at his best. Through a series of interventions by a loving God, he was recharged, refreshed, and reminded that he was not alone. God told him there were 7,000 who had not bent their knee to Baal (1 Kings 19:18). In 1 Kings 19, God provided Elijah with a practical and powerful action list for loneliness. He provided sleep (vs. 5), warm food (vs. 6), some travel and exercise (vs. 8), great questions (vs. 9), his presence (vs. 11), and two new partners (vs. 16).
Elijah was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired, a lethal combination when you’re a leader for God. By the way, that’s a fantastic acrostic—and warning—for you as a leader. When those same four characteristics are seen and felt in your life, just HALT – slow down your decision making. If you don’t, chances are you’re likely to make a bad mistake.
I would be remiss not to mention that pastors are not the only people in ministry who struggle with loneliness. Pastor’s wives do too!
A recent LifeWay Research study showed that a pastor’s spouse is more likely to feel lonely and without close friendships than other people in the congregation. Sixty-nine percent say they have “very few people I can confide in about the really important matters in my life.” Author Mandy K from Care for Pastors lists 5 reasons for this:
- Superficial relationships in the church. “No one ever sees me as my own person. I am the pastor’s wife, so no one tries to get close to me.”
- A busy pastor/husband. “My husband is on call 24/7. I just get leftovers,” or “Frankly, the church is like a mistress to my husband. He has abandoned me for someone else.”
- Mean church members. “I guess I’ve isolated myself to some extent. I just don’t want to keep hearing those awful things they say about my husband and me.”
- A conduit for complaints about our husband. “Last week someone told me their family was leaving the church because my husband is a lousy preacher. Do they have any idea how that makes me feel?”
- Broken confidences. “I’ve given up trying to get close to church members. I thought I had a close friend until I found out she was sharing everything I told her. That killed me emotionally.”
The reality is that a Mount Carmel Meltdown can occur to a Mr. or a Mrs.!
Here are a few guidelines for combating loneliness in your life and avoiding a Mount Carmel Meltdown. Spoiler alert! They are pretty much the same one’s God facilitated with Elijah.
Don’t isolate, communicate. Talk to someone else, especially another church leader or pastor because, trust me, they will understand. Nobody knows a pastor like a pastor. Or a pastor’s wife like a pastor’s wife. You don’t have to do ministry or life alone. In fact, we’re commanded not to do that! There’s a reason Solomon said, ”Two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). Pursue finding a close buddy that sticks closer than a brother and a cohort with a small band of brothers who will listen and ”fight the good fight of the faith” together with you.
Don’t throw a pity party, throw a kingdom one. Unfortunately, Elijah learned that with pity parties, the only one who shows up is the devil. Intentionally schedule events and gatherings with other like-minded pastors and wives with the sole purpose of having fun. The kingdom is not always a fast, it is also a feast! Like Elijah, get some food, drink, and a few new friends.
Don’t compete, complete. A lot of loneliness in ministry comes from comparing our kingdom assignment to someone else’s, and for some reason we always compare to something bigger. But what we often fail to realize is that new levels bring new devils for them which we wouldn’t want. Pride keeps people stuck in isolation. Pastors have told me they didn’t want to meet with other pastors when things in the church weren’t going well because they were embarrassed. Those are the times when you most need to group with other pastors. Instead of competing, have the goal of completing a fellow pastor by encouraging them. His successes are yours because we’re on the same team. The only competition we have is the Devil!
Don’t self-sabotage, show self-care. Develop healthy rhythms of soul care and self-care. Adequate rest, sleep, exercise (Elijah walked and traveled 40 days after his meltdown), self-reflection and mindfulness of his presence are foundational practices to develop. Self-care is not selfish. Don’t let the way you are doing the work of God sabotage the work of God in you. Be more committed to the Lord of the work than the work of the Lord. Obviously, if you find yourself dealing with clinical depression or significant mental health challenges, seeking professional counseling/therapy is advised and critical for your healing. It’s way past time for the church to be advocates in this area and not adversaries or critics for those seeking it, especially pastors or their wives.
I heard about a man who was exceedingly lonely and discouraged. So much so, that he went to see a prominent counselor to share his problems and seek advice. After listening to how he was feeling, the well-meaning counselor said, ”You’re just very sad. What you need is more joy in your life. I understand the circus is in town and they have a fantastic clown who is making everyone laugh. Why don’t you go see him tonight.” The man responded by saying, ‘Sir, I am that clown.”
Most church members would likely be shocked to know their pastor struggles with loneliness. There’s no shame in this. But it would be a shame if you didn’t do something about it. TODAY.
David Vaughan is president of D. Vaughan Consulting in Charleston, South Carolina and ministry coach with the Christian Church Leadership Network in Florence, Kentucky.
0 Comments