By Kelly Kastens
Fifty years ago in a subdivision that was still under construction in Fairfield, Ohio, 12 women began to gather once a month to play bridge. The card playing was fun and getting out of the house for the night was even better! I have vivid memories of these get-togethers throughout my childhood because one of these women was my mom.
I especially loved it when it was “our” turn to host. I helped clean the house, set up the card tables, and prepare the food. I was allowed to greet everyone and help fix beverages, and then it was time for me to go to bed.
Through my bedroom door I could hear the sounds of laughter and storytelling and the sharing of life. The life experiences of the families each woman represented varied as they talked about weddings, funerals, and births of children and grandchildren. I was privileged to watch as these women journeyed through life, supporting and praying for each other, mourning and celebrating together.
Fifty years ago these were young women with small children. Today my mom is 82. Some of the ladies have moved away. A few still live in the very same neighborhood. And still today, once a month, as many as are able gather to share life. And play cards.
What I appreciate most about all of that is that I grew up with a clear understanding of a critical truth: friendship matters. It”s important. Worth investing in. Lifesaving at times.
Lessons About Friendship
No one was more dedicated to loving and serving others than Reba Clark, my mother. Her main priority in life was caring for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of my father, my four big brothers, and me. She devoted her whole life to it. But one of the anchors in her life””a treasure that allowed her to weather the ups and downs of marriage and of raising a whole slew of kids in a crazy world””was friendship.
I”m thankful I learned this from her. Thankful that when I got married I never thought of not having friendships with women. But in that first year of marriage””to a minister””I hit a bit of a snag.
In our first ministry, I discovered people were paying close attention to our lives. I discovered not everyone was safe, and that sharing the things stirring inside me wasn”t always a good idea. I also learned some wonderful lessons about friendship in that church from some wise older believers who took the time to invest in me.
Let me say it again””friendship matters. Friendship that is built around common interests is a good thing. It”s good to have “hang-out” friends. Friends who like to play soccer or ride motorcycles or restore old cars. Friends who like scrapbooking or Bunco, University of Kentucky basketball or Star Wars movies. Friends who like good food and conversation. Friends who serve together in the same ministry. Friendship, to some degree, can be built around anything.
One of the deepest longings of our culture is to be connected relationally with others. The longing is for community. I believe God created us with a built-in desire, a need even, for connectedness in authentic community.
We preach and teach that this level of community is important, even vital to the Christian life””that vulnerability and accountability will help us grow closer to God. We have whole ministries that help people find a small group of people with whom they can connect and grow.
Friendships for Leaders
Christian leaders can agree that the spiritual disciplines of prayer and the study of Scripture are foundational for spiritual growth and transformation. Most will even agree that disciplines like fasting, solitude, and silence are important. But somehow we are unwilling to embrace deep, soul-shifting community in our own lives. We need to recognize our need for God-given friendships and get over our self-sufficiency in matters of the heart and soul.
We need to find a trusted friend, or even a few, with whom we can be authentic, transparent, and vulnerable. Jonathan and David found it. Ruth and Naomi found it. We need to follow the example of Jesus, who lived in community with 12 chosen companions, and with three who were even closer. They were with him at Gethsemane and they were with him at the transfiguration.
There is a level of friendship that will take us deeper in our faith; it will make life on this earth more enjoyable, difficult times more bearable, and most importantly, will help us on our journey to be transformed into the image of Christ. This is spiritual friendship.
Spiritual friends are not sustained by common interests, though they might have many. Spiritual friendships cannot be forced; rather, they come as a gift. A high degree of intentionality is needed to keep these friendships all they can be. When people intentionally move toward Christ together, deeper levels of intimacy typically result.
I am not suggesting we have only Christian friends. As a matter of fact, I strongly believe the opposite is true. I am suggesting that for serious Christ followers, friends who are compatible on the spiritual journey are not optional.
Spiritual Friends
So what do spiritual friends look like? Any good friendship includes high levels of trust and intimacy. Most friends have shared interests and mutual enjoyment of one another.
But spiritual friendship adds another dimension. Spiritual friends help us pay attention to what”s going on deep within us at a soul level, and they help us notice and pay attention to God and to his work in our lives. More than that, spiritual friends help us live within God”s will. Spiritual friendships have the ability to restore life to our souls. Spiritual friends feel each other”s pain and share each other”s joy.
This is a special joining of hearts where lives are shared in a covenantal relationship that fosters the spiritual development of all parties involved, and where there is a greater awareness of and response to God”s presence. It touches us at a soul level and opens us to greater levels of transformation, so that God”s glory may be reflected in our lives.
My spiritual friends make me more aware of sinful behaviors in my own life””parts of me that don”t look anything at all like Christ””and help me identify areas that need God”s redemptive work. But they also remind me of my belovedness and help me notice the places where I do resemble Christ, where there is evidence of his transformation in my life. I weather stormy seasons of life better because they are with me on the journey. My celebrations in life are much richer because of the shared experience. Laughter comes easily as we notice and celebrate the joy of living in Christ. These friends help me offer and receive forgiveness. In the context of these friendships, I find that I am less burdened emotionally.
Spiritual friendships provide a level of intimacy that gives me a glimpse of what is shared within the Trinity, between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. There is no agenda in these relationships, no “what can you do for me” thinking, no jockeying for position. No comparing of successes in church growth, capital campaigns, or the achievement of our children. These kinds of friendships are marked by honesty, love, and acceptance. They help us discern God”s will and the presence and leading of the Holy Spirit.
When we find ourselves in a spiritual desert or wilderness, when tragedy strikes and the bottom falls out, when our ministry or our marriage is failing, when our precious child becomes a prodigal and the disciplines that have held us in God”s presence seem so lonely, we need to have friends””spiritual friends””who will help us find our way in the darkness, help us get our feet back on solid ground, help us know where God is, and help us celebrate the grace in our lives.
I”m thankful for my spiritual friends. I”m more of who God wants me to be because of them.
Christian leaders . . . find and invest in friends who will laugh with you and celebrate life with you on the mountaintop, who will mourn with you in the valley, and whose deepest desire is to have greater intimacy with God and to be transformed into the image of Christ and to help you do the same. In matters of friendship, the thing that matters most is Jesus.
Kelly Kastens is worship arts minister with Mountain Christian Church in Joppa, Maryland, where her husband, Rob, serves as executive pastor. She holds a BS degree in human relations from Milligan College in Tennessee and is a member of the Transforming Community at the Transforming Center, Wheaton, Illinois, where she is working toward a certificate of spiritual formation. Kelly and Rob have two teenage children, Kylie and Blaine.
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