Misfitbit

From After Class Podcast

It’s time Christians stop obsessing about fitness and start focusing on more important things in life—like sin. This is why we’ve developed an innovative, always-on-call spiritual healthcare consultant. The Misfitbit Sinful Activity Tracker is a technologically advanced wristband that monitors your morality 24/7.

Its advanced voice-recognition software detects all verbal indiscretions, including, but not limited to, swearing, yelling in anger, and taking the Lord’s name in vain. The “Super Saint Setting” can also sense white lies and white curses like “darn,” “shoot,” and “heck.”

Its übersensitive microphone detects when you are listening to inappropriate music, hanging with the wrong crowd, watching the wrong movies, or binge viewing the wrong kinds of shows. No amount of justifying the high quality of Game of Thrones will sway the Misfitbit.

Its Global Positioning System proves especially helpful for tracking all movement in and around casinos, bars, vape shops, nightclubs, and liquor stores. It also records when you’re driving too fast and can be programmed to verify that you show up on time for work, church, and even supper.

Sync the Misfitbit to your phone and computer to monitor your web browsing. Activate the optional pay tag and keep track of all your purchases—for where your money is “there your heart will be also” (The Bible).

The Misfitbit empowers and inspires a spiritually healthy and wholesome lifestyle. We have wristbands for sinners of all sizes. And while this device automatically generates daily, weekly, and monthly reports, one need not wait to see how holy one has been. The Misfitbit’s rather aggressive vibration feature zings you immediately whenever you stray from the narrow path.

Why burden fellow Christians to help you grow spiritually? They’re busy enough dealing with logs in their own eyes. The Misfitbit takes spiritual health monitoring to the next level by putting it into your own hands.

The devil does not want you to buy this device. So, get your very own sin sensor today, and let’s send Satan falling from the sky like lightning!

The After Class Podcast guys are Bible and theology professors at Great Lakes Christian College; from left to right in the logo, they are Samuel C. Long, Ronald D. Peters, and John C. Nugent. They strive to engage provocative contemporary topics with wit and careful biblical scholarship.