By Ken Idleman
Business guru, Joseph Greany, writes, “At the heart of all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams and our relationships lie crucial conversations—ones that we are either not holding or not holding well. Twenty years of research involving more than 100,000 people reveals that the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues. Period.” So, for our purposes in the church-leadership world, let’s baptize this quote and move from the ‘what/why’ of tough conversations to the ‘how.’ Here are the distinctively biblical ground rules for navigating hard conversations. This wisdom will insure the best possible outcomes.
– CHECK YOUR EYE – Jesus said it like this in the Sermon on the Mount, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? … first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:4-5, New International Version). Humility and transparency are foundational to a good result in a hard conversation. The person initiating the conversation needs to be the first to employ conscience. Is there anything to confess? If the confronter comes on too strong, assuming to occupy the higher moral ground, expect the confronted person to respond with defensiveness. It is best to communicate from the inside out with a pure and humble heart.
A couple of years ago I was in a Monday morning meeting evaluating the two worship services (I had preached) from the day before. The young student worship pastor spoke up toward the end to meekly say to me, “I thought you came down pretty hard on Mohammed in your sermon. I was afraid that there might be a Muslim visiting in our services. I think they would have been offended.” He spoke softly and respectfully without even looking up at me. His humility in tone and body language was unmistakable. Now technically, that criticism probably should have been offered privately, but … that being said, he was right. I came down too hard on Mohammed. The Old Testament prophet in me showed up unexpectedly. But thankfully, when confronted, I did not react (If I had, I would not be telling you this story!). The room was silent for a moment before I said, “I receive your criticism, Ian. Your discernment is better today than mine was yesterday. My strong sense of justice got the better of me. Thank you for bringing that forward. The prophet and the pastor in me sometimes wrestle for control in the moment. I will be more aware next time.” About a week later, Ian approached me to say, “I can’t believe how you handled my criticism last week. It wasn’t what I expected at all. I thought you might be defensive or even mad.” I said to him, “You were so respectful and humble, it brought the best out in me! THX!”
Here is a good exercise: In your mind, draw a circle and step inside the circle, then say to yourself, “I have absolutely no control over anyone outside this circle, but I have total control over the one inside this circle.” Honestly and humility before the Lord in prayer will be the best possible way to prepare to enter into a potentially volatile conversation.
– CHECK YOUR EMOTIONS – In the words of Jesus you can see a very measured, logical, and strategic approach to a tough conversation. Can you think of anything harder than to confront a brother or sister who is overtaken in a sin? Notice the absence of emotion in his words in Matthew 18:15-19: “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as a pagan or a tax collector. … Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Let’s break down the practical process in steps:
Step #1 – Handle the tough conversation with confidentiality. ‘Point out the fault just between the two of you.’ It is important not to allow there to be any seeds of division planted by needlessly involving other people before initiating the hard conversation. Sometimes a single private conversation between two Christ-followers is all that is needed to reach resolution.
Step #2 – Handle the tough conversation with the help of coworkers. If there is resistance, ‘take one or two others along’ as objective witnesses, to establish what and how things are said and by whom. There is real value here to bring loving pressure on the one overtaken in a fault. This elevates the issue to a place of greater importance while, at the same time maintaining a relational atmosphere/context.
Step #3 – Handle the tough conversation by participation of the community. If they still refuse to listen, ‘tell it to the church.’ More loving pressure here to submit to God’s will and wisdom from the larger family of God. This disclosure to the church is not to shame, or impose guilt, but rather to spiritually awaken and restore.
Step #4 – Handle the tough conversation with censure. To censure is to marginalize, to treat with extreme disapproval. This is often referred to as the third step in church discipline. It is seldom employed by the church, but it is effective. We employed it twice in my ten-year ministry at Crossroads Church in Evansville, IN, once unsuccessfully and once successfully.
Positive postscript: [Note context!] “If two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for [reconciliation and resolution of a tough conversation], it will be done for them by my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:19). Here is a guaranteed answer to this specific prayer! And, “where two or three gather in my name [to be reconciled and restored to each other], there I am with them” (Matthew 18:20). Another guaranteed answer to prayer! But he’s not talking about prayer and worship here, he’s talking about restored unity!
– CHECK YOUR EGO – In Acts 15:37-40, Paul and Barnabas had a tough conversation about whether to take John Mark on a second missionary journey. He had quit in the middle of the first one. So, we read, “Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them … and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark … but Paul chose Silas ….” Paul had lost confidence in John Mark’s dependability. Barnabus wanted to give him a second chance. They could not resolve the sharp disagreement, so they agreed to disagree and created two missionary teams. It was a tough conversation that resulted in a positive solution.
Later, in 2 Timothy 4:11, Paul knew he would soon be put to death. And among his last requests we find these tender and humble words, “Get John Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry.” Paul wanted to see John Mark before his departure. My guess is he wanted to apologize to him, at least to be reconciled to him in heart. That is the ultimate desired outcome of any tough conversation. To be able to maintain the unity of the Holy Spirit in the bond of peace!
May God use the leaders of his 21st-century church to be willing to occasionally have tough conversations that have relationship building outcomes, all for Jesus’ sake and in answer to his longest recorded prayer in John 17… that we would be ONE.
Ken Idleman is vice president of leadership development for The Solomon Foundation, Parker Colorado.
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