By Victor M. Parachin
Losing my baby was bad enough, but after the miscarriage people said it was “nothing . . . just a miscarriage.” That comment only deepened my pain because I knew I had carried a baby. I know it was only tiny, but it was a baby and it counted as a real baby.
Sadly, that experience of one young woman is not unusual. The loss and subsequent grief that arise from miscarriage is poorly recognized by others. Yet for the woman who carried the fetus, there is almost always a special meaning to the pregnancy. When it ends so abruptly and prematurely, the woman enters a time of grieving. Her level of pain can be eased when there are people present who can provide comfort, support, and nurture. By reaching out with kindness and compassion, friends can help these words of Scripture become a reality in the life of a grieving woman: “Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away” (Isaiah 51:11). Here are some ways to help a friend who is mourning a miscarriage.
“¢ Operate on the assumption that a significant loss has occurred. Remind yourself that, to the parents, a miscarriage is the loss of a child. Something they have joyfully anticipated, planned for, and prepared for will never take place. It is a real and deep pain felt by the parents regardless of how many other children they may have. One child never replaces one who was lost.
Also, keep in mind that the wished for baby is never forgotten. One woman who is now a mother of three and grandmother to four, responds this way whenever asked how many children she has: “I have three lovely children and had a miscarriage when I was 29.”
“¢ Send a card or short note. If you cannot be present or do not know the woman well enough to call or visit, send a card or short note. This is a particularly effective way to demonstrate your concern and that you share in the sadness.
The condolence note ought to be brief and to the point: “I am so sorry and very sad for you.” Or, “I have learned of your loss and realize this must be very painful for you.”
“¢ Acknowledge the loss by your presence. Upon learning that your friend has suffered a miscarriage, arrange to be present as soon as possible. By doing so, you are acknowledging that your friend has experienced a tragedy. Your presence demonstrates that you understand the depth of a woman”s grief has little to do with the size or age of the loss.
“¢ Avoid comments that minimize the sense of loss. Recently a woman wrote advice columnist “Dear Abby” saying: “My husband and I wanted so much to have this child, but I miscarried a baby boy in my sixth month. This was heartbreaking enough, but some of the “˜comforting” comments from well-meaning friends made it even worse.”
The grieving mother then listed the following as comments that ought to be avoided when trying to console a woman who has experienced a miscarriage:
Cheer up, you”re still young. You can try again.
You have one child already. Be thankful for what you have.
It was God”s will.
You could have been lucky; it might not have been normal.
Don”t be so downhearted””it isn”t as though you lost a child!
The problem with such statements is that they tend to minimize the sense of loss. They do not affirm that a brief life was lived and a death has occurred.
“¢ Offer words that encourage and heal. Scripture reminds us to “know the word that sustains the weary” (Isaiah 50:4). The words we use can heal or hurt, inspire or injure, bring peace or pain. Speak softly and sincerely using these types of encouraging, healing statements:
I am very sorry about your loss.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Could I bring dinner for you and your family?
Would you like to talk?
Would you like some company, or would you rather be alone?
“¢ Remind your friend it”s not her fault. A woman often blames herself for a miscarriage. When you hear your friend say such things as: “If only I had quit working. . . If only I hadn”t allowed myself to become so stressed out . . . If only I was a better person . . . If only I hadn”t gone jogging . . . If only I hadn”t cleaned the house that day,” simply respond by saying “It wasn”t your fault!”
“¢ Be especially sympathetic to the subtle complexity of miscarriage loss. Unlike other parents who have lost a child who has lived a few years, people who have a miscarriage or stillbirth never had the chance to know that child. As a result they have no past to treasure, no tender moments, no happy memories to recall.
Miscarriage dashes hopes and dreams that were nurtured. These parents grieve not one, but two children: the child of their dreams and the child they carried for a brief time. Simultaneously, a woman who miscarries mourns a life briefly held and the death of her hopes and expectations.
“¢ Encourage memorializing the life that has been lost. Many women find it helpful to deal with the emotions of grief by memorializing the loss of a life. This can be done by simply writing down feelings in a journal or composing a poem or letter about the lost child.
“¢ Don”t rush the grief process. A year of sadness is quite normal, and 18 to 24 months is not unusual. Be patient with your friend. Remember that she has suffered a deep wound and it takes time to heal from the pain of loss. One bereaved woman wrote in her journal: “It”s been a year since my baby”s death. Finally, the up hours outnumber the down ones. I can feel the pain is definitely beginning to ease up.”
“¢ Be supportive of rituals. An increasing number of couples want a ritual to remember the child they had hoped for. While these do not usually take the form of a full funeral service, couples find creative ways to ritualize and remember that a brief life existed.
After Lisa Stein experienced the loss of her baby late in her pregnancy, it became important for her to have a burial service. Blessedly, the couple found a sympathetic funeral director who helped make appropriate arrangements.
Of course, some miscarriages take place too early for a burial service. Some couples have opted to plant a tree in memory of the child or make a donation to a charity in the child”s memory. The key is to support your friend if she has a unique and personal way of ritualizing her loss.
“¢ Recommend a grief support group. While some women who have experienced a miscarriage may not feel the need for a grief support group, many others find them extremely therapeutic. Most larger communities have groups that assist parents who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death.
Such support groups are invaluable because they provide friendship with people who have a similar experience as well as sharing information about the grieving process, ways of coping with grief, family response to loss, the impact on marriage, subsequent pregnancies, and helping surviving children. Research the services offered in your community and tell your friend about them. Don”t push the matter but simply inform the parents about what”s available. They can decide whether to participate or not.
Finally, remain in touch with the woman in the months following the miscarriage. Call her, ask how she is doing, and indicate your willingness to talk about the baby. Grieving is a social process and is greatly facilitated when friends rally round, reaching out with love and compassion.
Victor M. Parachin writes books and contributes to a wide variety of publications from his home in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
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