Forgiveness that frees you
Dave Smith reflects on the conviction that followed years of mistreating his brother—and the life-giving power of asking forgiveness. Drawing from Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18, he explains why believers must forgive and how forgiveness becomes real in daily life.
- Because God in Christ has forgiven us so much, he expects us to forgive others.
- Unforgiveness has consequences, but forgiveness frees us from the injustice of others.
- Forgiveness is a choice and a process that often requires choosing again and again.
By Dave Smith
I was a lousy big brother. I don’t know why. I started off well. But when I went off to school, it was as if I took a class on “How to be a Mean Big Brother.” I picked on Phillip constantly with biting, sarcastic, demeaning words. Though it rarely got physical, when it did, it was ugly.
When I was in high school, I got mad at him, picked him up, and hurled him to the floor. He broke his wrist. Even I felt bad about that. I went downstairs that night shaken by the event and the fact my parents did not know what to do with me. I found a Bible buried somewhere under my nightstand. I was not a Christian, but it was obvious I needed something.
Not knowing where to begin, I started in Genesis. Not a good choice. By the time I got to the “begats” of chapter 5, it was over. I put it down and did not pick up a Bible again for years.
The next year I was off to college. I did not see Phillip much and when I did, there was not a lot to say. I eventually graduated and ended up in Indianapolis, Indiana. One night I walked into East 91st Street Christian Church looking for nice girls. God grabbed me through the book of John and I was baptized Palm Sunday 1982. Eight months later I married the girl I met that first night. Life was good.
Until God began to convict me about how I had treated my brother. I don’t cry much. But there were several nights I wept over my behavior. And I knew I needed to ask his forgiveness.
Nancy and I went to my family’s house that Christmas. One night I asked Phillip to go downstairs with me. We sat down and I said, “Phillip, I was terrible to you growing up. I wish I could do it over again, but I can’t. I have become a Christian and I know God has forgiven me, but I want you to forgive me too. Will you forgive me?” The amazing thing is that Phillip, not a Christian, forgave me.
I have learned through the years that my brother was a lot more forgiving than many Christians. I am amazed at the number of Christians, many in leadership, who refuse to forgive. There is the minister who has not spoken to his sister in 40 years. There is the minister’s wife who has not called her mother for the last 30 years. There are leaders who teach and preach on forgiveness but harbor reproach in their hearts.
Serious about Forgiveness
I know many people have experienced deep suffering from the hands of those they trusted. Each semester I have students in my Christian life class write their stories. Many times I put down their papers, angry and shocked at what has been done to them. I understand many have been hurt. But if we are to follow Jesus, we must get serious about forgiveness.
One day Peter came to Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21). The thinking of the day was a brother might be forgiven a repeated sin three times. On the fourth there was no forgiveness (an early “four strikes and you are out” policy). Peter, answering his own question, volunteers to forgive seven times.
Jesus responds, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Jesus teaches forgiveness in the kingdom cannot be limited by frequency or quantity. And then he tells a parable of the unmerciful servant (vv. 23-35).
There is a servant who owes a debt he cannot pay. It is an astronomical amount. Since he cannot pay, the master orders he be sold to repay the debt. The servant begs for time and promises to pay back everything, an impossibility. The servant’s master takes pity on him, cancels the debt, and lets him go.
The servant goes out and finds a fellow servant who owes him a little money. He grabs his fellow servant, begins to choke him, and demands the money. His fellow servant also asks for more time. But despite the grace shown him by his master, despite the similarities of their pleas, the servant has his fellow servant thrown into prison.
When the other servants see what happened, they tell the master. The master calls in the servant. “You wicked servant,” he said, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.
