More Than Singing

By Greg Allen

I really tried not to write this story, but I realize I must. The major reason I do not want to write it is because it seems to be too much about me. But I hope you will see it is not about me at all.

The Story

I consulted a physician who took one look down my throat and immediately referred me to the Vanderbilt Voice Center in Nashville. One throat scope later I was told I had hemorrhagic polyps on my vocal cords””blood vessels that had burst leaving behind rounded bubbles that caused hoarseness.

The good news was that surgery might repair my voice. The bad news was there was no guarantee my voice could be repaired.

Though I was scared of the surgery, I was even more scared of being severely hoarse the rest of my life; after all, I did sing for a living! So, just before Christmas 1994, a very good surgeon successfully removed two lesions from my vocal cords. After six months of healing and rehabilitation, I was able to speak and sing again.

In the spring of 1996 my voice became hoarse again, and I underwent surgery to remove another hemorrhagic polyp. One year later, one more surgery. Three surgeries in three years. Of those 36 months I did not lead worship 20 months, and was totally silent a total of two months.

When You Don”t Talk

It was amazing the things I heard during those three years. I paid attention to what people were saying to a deeper and greater degree than ever before, mainly because I couldn”t respond, I could only listen. I wore a button that said I just had voice surgery and could not talk. But for some reason people talked real loud and real slow as if I could not hear or understand them. E-mail, which was new on the scene, saved me, and I used up several legal pads and pens as I wrote responses to people.

But you could guess that part of the story. It”s this next part that I do not want to tell. It”s embarrassing to admit. I am a minister, a worship leader, and a Christian leader; and yet I dealt with self-pity and some depression. My faith and my personality [sanguine] both tell me that neither of those two emotions should dominate me, but they did.

I felt sorry for myself because I had children I could not talk to. I was depressed because I could not do the public worship-leading job I was hired to do. So I wallowed in my own self-centered sadness.

The most difficult fact to admit is that I discovered why I was so sad. I had placed my significance in my job, and when I could not do my job I thought I had no significance. It is hard to confess I had gotten used to the accolades that come to a worship leader. It was very gratifying to be the guy who led the singing at a great church . . . until the day I couldn”t sing anymore. I should have known better, but I didn”t. And so there I sat on many occasions during worship, watching my worship leader buddy lead what I was supposed to be leading . . . and I wept.

One Wednesday night it began to change. My tears of self-centeredness began to change to some other emotion. I did not hear any audible voice from God, but I did hear truth from his Word.

I choose to credit the Holy Spirit for reminding me that God did not love me merely because I was a minister, a worship leader, or even a Christian. He did not choose me for anything I had done or could do. He loved me as his child and chose me to lead worship simply because I was his idea. God encouraged me that my significance in life comes from him, not my job. The truth saved me because it meant that no matter my job, I had significance in God.

The Next Challenge

Right when I thought I had overcome the hurdle of misplaced significance, I read a note that challenged just how much I believed God. A friend wrote, “Greg, if you never received another gift from God, except for the grace of Christ, would you be satisfied?”

I knew what Marvin was asking me. Could I still worship without leading worship? If my voice did not get strong enough to continue leading worship by singing, could I still worship without singing? Could I just sit in the congregation and worship without ever being back on the stage?

I knew the Sunday school answer was, “Sure I can.” But the real answer was that I could not. And that is what I told God. But I added that I wanted to get to that place. I wanted to be a worshiper even if I never sang another note.

That may not sound like much to you, but it is for all who sing, and it was for me. The challenging thing for me is to try to tell you how God answered that prayer. I cannot explain it, but he has brought me to a new place in my relationship with him. Now I honestly can say that even though I love music so much, and love leading worship more than any vocation I can think of, I could lay it down if God asked.

Funny Thing Was

There were two instances that God spoke through others to remind me that my life was to be more than singing, even the singing of worship songs. The first was when my senior minister told me to go ahead and lead worship after the third surgery even though I couldn”t sing yet. He told me that I didn”t need to sing to lead.

I was very hurt at first, until I realized he was trying to encourage me that my leading of worship had very little, if anything, to do with my singing.

The second was the weekend I was actually leading worship without singing. I had one of the vocal team guys singing my part for me and I just faked it. (Even now this is news to my church family!)

After the worship service a lady told me I shouldn”t worry about my voice surgeries because she thought my voice had never sounded better! Wow, that hurt too. But I just had to think God was confirming his truth to me. He didn”t need me to sing to lead, and he didn”t need me to sing at all to be his child.

And So I Wonder

You don”t have to be a worship leader to struggle with placing your significance in your job. A banker can do it. A college or professional athlete can do it. And so can teachers and homemakers.

But what happens when the bank goes through a merger and suddenly it doesn”t need you? Or a better athlete arrives and you are cut from the team? Or your children graduate and head off to college?

Truth is, misplaced significance is very contagious. The beautiful thing is, God has”” and is””the cure.

I really didn”t want to write this story, but I suspect it is also your story. Just change the name and vocation and it”s yours. I pray you discover the thrill and joy of knowing God couldn”t love you more than he does right now. In fact, he loves you for who you are””his!

 

 

Greg Allen is worship minister with Southeast Christian Church, Louisville, Kentucky.