Forgiving Ourselves

By John Mark Hicks

“This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19, 20).

Self-forgiveness is a controversial topic. Many believe it is so tied to self-help and self-esteem pop psychology that it actually is a reflection of pride and lack of faith. There is no text in Scripture that explicitly commands self-forgiveness, it is said, and only God can forgive.

Others, however, genuinely punish themselves by denying themselves self-compassion. They feel a need for self-forgiveness because their life is stuck in cycles of guilt, depression, and self-hatred. I have been stuck in that cycle myself in the past””and occasionally it still raises its ugly head.

At one level, self-forgiveness, in the strictest terms, is not what we need. What we need is divine forgiveness. What some call self-forgiveness actually is, I believe, the process of accepting God”s forgiveness and removing the barriers to that acceptance burdening our hearts. In this sense, self-forgiveness expresses a biblical notion of self-love that is grounded in God”s gracious forgiveness and unfailing love. But we cannot receive and feel that grace if we erect walls between God and ourselves.

How do people forgive themselves? I have some ideas, but I often find it difficult to let it sink into my soul. I still have days where I beat myself up over my divorce and past sins. I still feel a deep sense of failure about the divorce. Sometimes I still feel the guilt associated with that failure, even though I know God has forgiven me.

I recognize the insanity of my occasional foray into self-affliction. My self-worth is not found in perceived perfection, or my ability to keep the law, or even in a “perfect” marriage. My self-worth is found in the delight God has for me. God welcomes me and loves me.

On one occasion when I was shaming myself for my sins, a good friend asked an empowering question: “Do you believe God has forgiven you?”

“Yes, of course,” I answered.

“So, do you know something God doesn”t?” I recognized the point immediately, at least intellectually. When I fail to forgive myself, I make myself god. I become the judge. Whereas God has declared me “free,” I continue to bind myself to my sins, or at least to its shame. What I forgive in others and what God forgives in me, I find difficult to forgive in myself. That is nothing but arrogance and ingratitude. But it is easier said than done.

FORGIVENESS HINDERED

Here is a partial list of things that hinder self-forgiveness:

“¢ We continue our sinful behavior even as we struggle to stop (this is the nature of addiction).

“¢ We fear failing again.

“¢ Our unresolved guilt becomes a festering wound.

“¢ We attempt to balance or “fix” our bad stuff by doing good stuff.

“¢ We consistently fail to live up to our high expectations.

“¢ We feel unworthy of God”s love, and we lack trust in God”s love.

“¢ We have little or no experience in grace; we have been judged by others and we habitually judge others and judge ourselves.

“¢ We mediate our guilt and shame with self-anger and self-hatred, and this leads to self-punishment (we beat ourselves to death!).

I am sure many readers could add to this list from their own experiences. All of these reasons, I think, fall under the broad rubric of pride“”we think more highly of ourselves than we ought.

If self-forgiveness is actually the acceptance of God”s gracious forgiveness, then it is about relationship with God. And for most of us, being with God and accepting God”s love is a process rather than a single event.

GRACE ACCEPTED

Below is a partial list of how we might move from intellectual acceptance of grace to the authentic experience of grace:

“¢ Confess our sins to God and trust the promise of forgiveness (1 John 1:9).

“¢ Seek transformation through spiritual disciplines that instill a hope for spiritual recovery.

“¢ Recognize our unrealistic expectations of perfection (let go of self-anger).

“¢ Confess our sins to others in a supportive, safe community of believers where grace is both given and received.

“¢ Make amends to those we have hurt.

“¢ Accept responsibility for sin and its consequences (let go of the foolish concept of “making up” for sin).

“¢ Through contemplative prayer, focus on the nature of God as full of mercy, compassion, and love.

“¢ Meditate on and visualize God”s Word to us: “You are beloved.”

“¢ Study Scripture to discover and remember God”s propensity for grace toward his people.

Doing these things may yield self-forgiveness through a healthy self-love rooted in what God has done for us, and in God”s delight for us.

Should we forgive ourselves? Yes! but not out of our own self-will, self-esteem, or self-worth. Rather, we forgive ourselves because God has already forgiven us, and by accepting that forgiveness we receive worth, joy, and authentic love. We forgive ourselves because God is greater than our hearts and he has received us as one of his children, whom he loves.

We need to forgive ourselves because our pride has rejected God”s forgiveness. Somehow we have come to believe we know ourselves better than God knows us, and that we know what is a fitting punishment! Such pride is expressed in things like, “How can God forgive me of that when I knew better?”

After all, we think, if you really knew me, you would not forgive me. Consequently, it is difficult to believe God forgives us, or that anyone else could forgive us. Yet, he does. And others have as well. This is the wonder of grace””the joy of being loved even when we feel unlovable.

GUT LEVEL

This is why confession of sin is so important in healthy communities of faith. When we see sin confessed and forgiven, when we see broken people loved and embraced, then we come to believe such a thing is possible for us. When “love with skin on” embraces us, we can then actually believe God loves us, too.

Pride””the kind of pride that fears confession””refuses to accept, internalize, and authentically feel God”s love. Grace””the active, dynamic, experiential love of God””can heal wounds if we will but open our hearts to it and let go of the pride. The movement from pride to acceptance is a process, a journey of faith, through which God heals us and transforms us into his own likeness.

So, strictly speaking, I suppose we do not forgive ourselves, but rather, God forgives us. When we accept that forgiveness deep within our guts, then we can let go of the self-punishment, self-hatred, and fear of failure. Then we are equipped, by God”s grace, to give to others what God has given to us.

When I experience God”s forgiveness at the gut level, and when God”s beaming joy envelops me, then I can see self-affliction as rebellion and self-forgiveness as trust. I can even see God smile and wink as I look myself in the mirror and say, “I forgive you.”

John Mark Hicks serves as professor of theology at Lipscomb University, Nashville, Tennessee. He holds a PhD in Reformation and post-Reformation studies from Westminster Theological Seminary, Glenside, Pennsylvania. John Mark has taught in higher education for 25 years and has lectured in 38 states and 18 countries.