By Darrel Rowland
Read the sidebar, “How to Help,” by Darrel Rowland
Heated battles over gay marriage issues rage from California to Maine.
Loud people from a tiny church in Kansas tote signs saying “God Hates Fags” and protest at funerals of troops killed in Iraq or Afghanistan.
Gay activists contend that many Christians” philosophy on homosexuality, “hate the sin but love the sinner,” is akin to “keep slavery but love the slaves.”
Debates multiply over hate crimes legislation, proposals to add sexual orientation to antidiscrimination laws, the implications of such concepts as “don”t ask, don”t tell” or “equal rights, not special rights.”
One person”s abomination is another person”s homophobia is another person”s lifelong struggle.
Welcome to America in the Year of Our Lord 2010.
SPIRITUAL WAR
Kent Paris has lived in this maelstrom for more than 30 years.
“Christians are in the thick of a spiritual war, largely unseen but evidenced in the undeniable culture war raging,” he says. “The gay agenda has been stunningly successful over the past four decades, but has gained rapid momentum in the past few years. Activists along with others who seek to transform our culture will not back down. The church must come to grips with the powers behind this movement.”
And how well is the church doing?
“It saddens me to say that we have dropped the ball. At every turn for decades we”ve been caught unprepared. All the while we”re losing our kids to the gay lie/life, and with growing numbers.
“My observation is that most Christians have good hearts and want to be helpful and loving and to encourage people toward faith and love of Jesus. But on this complex subject, they are like deer in the headlights. Christians have become increasingly hard-pressed to know what to believe in the face of the overwhelming propaganda. They want to know how to provide a loving challenge to the gay lifestyle and wonder how to offer pastoral care.”
That”s why he wrote The Means of Grace (just released by College Press), which he hopes can serve as “a framework to respond with a balance of grace and truth.”
Paris is founder and executive director of Nehemiah Ministries in Urbana, Illinois, which provides Christian pastoral counseling and a teaching/equipping ministry to the church. A frequent speaker on homosexuality at churches, youth gatherings, and Christian conferences, he received a bachelor”s degree in 1989 from Bethany Christian University in Santa Cruz, California, and a master”s in counseling ministry in 1998 from Lincoln (Illinois) Christian Seminary.
Paris also is one of the “pioneers” of Exodus International, a nondenominational Christian organization that bills itself as the world”s largest information and referral ministry on homosexual issues. Exodus is perhaps best known for its emphasis that people can change, leaving homosexuality behind to live a different life.
BORN GAY?
Such attempts draw the harsh condemnation of many gay advocates, who say a person”s sexual orientation cannot be changed and trying to do so may actually harm them.
This conflict stems from a question at the heart of the current debate over homosexuality: Were homosexuals born that way or did they become homosexual growing up? The shorthand for this dispute is sometimes dubbed “nature vs. nurture.”
“The bottom line here is choice. Their claim is . . . “˜Well, if I”m born this way, then I have no choice in this matter so get off my back. Leave me alone. I deserve a life too,”” Paris said.
“Part of the ire and the anger and the persecution, the attempts to shut down our ministries and to quiet anyone who voices a Christian perspective, is because they don”t want to hear about having a “˜choice.” They are quick to see that this would mean the individual has some responsibility in his destiny and the course he has set for his life, that one has some responsibility to God for how one lives life.”
Even some Christians Paris sees in his counseling sessions want to duck responsibility.
“So many of the younger guys who come into my office today come with this attitude: “˜God, if you want me to follow you, then you take this away from me . . . prove it to me, and then I”ll follow you.”
“The last I read the Scriptures, the message is the same for all humanity: Repent and submit your heart to the Lord in obedience and follow him.”
That remains true even if credible studies someday establish that homosexuals are “born gay,” Paris said.
“The bottom line for Christians is and must always be what God says in the Bible. We are a fallen race, humanity as a whole, suffering terrible consequences from the power of sin and death at work in us. Homosexuality is one manifestation of that fractured, sinful nature. And the good news is, God is not silent. He has spoken, clearly.”
FIGHTING THE BATTLE
Lest you think Paris lacks empathy for people struggling with life-wrenching choices, there”s one more thing you should know about his background: He”s fought the battle against homosexuality he”s asking others to fight.
“I didn”t ask to experience homosexual attractions. I didn”t choose them. They were just there. They were there because there were legitimate needs I had in my life for same-gender love, affirmation, affection, acceptance, attention, bonding””connection that first and foremost should”ve happened with my dad, and didn”t.
“They were there because I was a victim of family incest, and sexual abuse from several teachers. They were there because of the very sick, dysfunctional relationship with my mother during that time and in the years that followed. It was these and other such wounds suffered in childhood,” Paris said.
“When I was 19 and came to Christ, I had no clue about what God could or would do about my same-gender attractions. My prayer went something like this: “Lord, I don”t know why I”ve had this problem, I don”t know if I have to deal with it the rest of my life, and therefore have to be celibate and single. But no matter what, even if that”s the case, give me the faith, the strength, and the grace to obey you and follow you.”
That was 1971. Four years later he married the woman who is still his wife today, and they have two sons who are pursing graduate studies in preparation for ministry. Paris also became a leader with Exodus, attending the group”s second national gathering in Oakland in 1977. He said he has helped hundreds of men and women in their decisions to gain self-understanding and to learn how to manage, control, and overcome homosexuality.
Of course, working on the front lines means you”re standing where the bullets fly, too. Paris has received death threats, was physically assaulted, his home and office have been broken into, and an anonymous caller ominously told Paris he knew the route his children walked to school every day.
“We need to see the spirit behind the radical gay movement that animates the agenda of Hell to assault the people of God,” Paris said. “What”s happening is an attack upon the Word of God in the hearts of people. Where are ministers preaching and teaching unfiltered truth these days?”
Paris said when he sent early manuscripts of his book to various Christian leaders for a possible endorsement, one pastor of a 3,500-member evangelical church at first agreed but then reneged, saying his denomination does not allow him to comment on such controversial topics as homosexuality.
“When it comes to the church responding to people struggling with homosexuality, the posture of our hearts is paramount. Christ is full of love, grace, truth, and forgiveness; so must we be, with humility. God gives us no excuse to hate people. We must keep in mind that there is great effort underway to silence Christians. Direct answers to questions are viewed by many as hate speech. They”ll crucify you. It”s a spiritual war. We had better engage it or we will assist our own demise.”
RESTORED IDENTITY
What those struggling with homosexuality need to hear most is that their identity is not “gay” or even “ex-gay”””it is in Christ, Paris said.
“As a Christian pastoral counselor, I am against long-term labeling. I believe it is counterproductive, that it prevents a deeper heart revelation of our true identity when we wear labels like “˜gay,” when we find our sense of being and personhood in anything outside of God”s established order . . .
“Breaking free from limiting self-labels and concepts that are not God”s design for us is liberating. It has been truly important, often a watershed experience for those under my pastoral care to undergo a paradigm shift, finding their new identity in Christ.
“This does not deny one”s attractions, thought-life, temptations, etc. Those are real and must continue to be yielded to Christ and certainly worked on as you grow in him, gain new insight, and perhaps seek out some good counseling along the way.”
Churches can help by being loving and welcoming, but must never neglect to call people to faith, obedience, and repentance, he said.
“Our challenge is to hold in tension grace and truth, speak the truth in love, be clear. The church is so confused on these issues, and we”re afraid to speak up, we”re afraid to speak out,” Paris said.
In the end, he said, it boils down to a simple question, “How does Jesus want to love and call this person in and through me?”
Darrel Rowland is an adult Bible fellowship teacher at Worthington (Ohio) Christian Church and public affairs editor of The Columbus Dispatch.
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