By Paul Alexander
I”ve heard hundreds of sermons on marriage and family living. But one stands above the rest. Thirteen years ago the pastor of the largest Christian church in our area came to Hope International University and spoke at our chapel service. He had been asked to speak on the most important thing he could think of to prepare people to go out and serve the church and impact the world for Christ.
He told us he had considered talking about ministry, trials, devotion to God, and other topics. But ultimately, he said, the most important thing he could share were his thoughts on marriage. I”ll never forget his lead-in; he said he was going to share some things with us he wished someone had told him when he was college aged.
He pulled out his whiteboard marker and wrote a series of numbers on the board. The largest number was 60 and the smallest was 3. He explained that each number represented the relative ease or difficulty he and his wife had faced in their almost 40 years of marriage. Most of the categories were given predictable titles:Â good, great, fine””then he turned his attention to the 3 percent on the whiteboard.
He became very serious and you could hear a pin drop in our auditorium that morning. He said the 3 percent represented the handful of days each year that his marriage was, and I quote, “pure Hell.” Some students were offended at his language, most laughed a bit, but the married faculty members just smiled and nodded.
I almost applauded. It was refreshing to hear the truth.
That kind of honesty from the pulpit is just one step churches can take to make marriages and family life better for those they”re serving.
Two Approaches
There are two approaches to marriage and family ministry. One is the programmatic approach and the other is an integrated approach. I think there is merit in both. The programmatic approach seeks to develop and add programs to existing structures and ministries that couples and families can take advantage of. The integrated approach seeks to address needs by building them into the curriculum design of the whole church.
I”ll address the traditional approach first. The most traditional approach to marriage and family ministry is to add programs such as marriage retreats, marriage seminars, marriage classes, and workshops for divorce recovery and blended family issues. Typically, the larger the church, the more prevalent the programming.
Some of the most well-received programs here are time-limited, positively framed enrichment programs. These are programs offered to make good marriages better. You don”t need to stand in line with a “help us we”re drowning” sticker on your forehead to get in.
As you consider the needs of your church, here are the most helpful topics you might want to think about:
“¢ Marriage enrichment””developing spiritual, emotional, and sexual intimacy.
“¢ Marriage conflict””how to fight fair and forgive fully.
“¢ Blended family challenges””a biblical approach to blending parenting and managing the unique challenges that come along with “yours, mine, and ours.”
“¢ Some sort of seminar based on biblical principles for couples on managing finances.
There are no surprises here, only a reminder to think about what your church needs. I”m a proponent of simple needs assessment surveys. Simply ask your church folks to respond to this list and to rank, in order of importance, the topics they would like to see you address.
Tell Your Stories
There is another approach, however, that I think is at least as impactful as the traditional approach, and it is elegantly simple in design. Simply do this: ask church staff members to talk about their marriages more often when they teach and preach. The stories of your leaders” lives become integrated into the fabric of your curriculum.
I”m not kidding. It”s that easy. Here”s why: our church members don”t like to admit they struggle. We all are burdened by the same unrealistic expectation that our marriages ought to always be harmonious and stress and conflict free. We expect to look like sitcom families””well sitcom families from the 1970s anyway.
As church members, we all wonder what it”d be like to spend time with the pastor and his family. We imagine they live an idyllic existence where conflict is never more than a small discussion resolved with a prayer and a hug. So when the pastor talks freely about lying in bed early in his marriage while wondering what in the world he”s gotten himself into (as my pastor did recently), then people connect””they don”t feel so alone.
I”ve worked with countless couples whose marriages were turned in the right direction by a pastor who was honest, open, and vulnerable about the reality of married life. People are craving real stories from real people.
This is a problem for some ministers, and it surely is a problem for some church members. I”ve observed in my multigenerational church how differently people respond to pastor authenticity and self-revelation. For those 50 and older, a little openness from the minister goes a long way. For 20-somethings and adolescents, the minister can”t be honest enough. There is a right balance for each minister and congregation.
Marriage Mentoring
One fairly new strategy deserves a special mention. Marriage mentoring does a great job bridging the gap between programs and pastor/teacher openness. Marriage mentoring, quite simply, is the pairing of marriage veterans with less experienced couples. It can work quite well, but needs attention like any other program.
Some couples will benefit greatly from monthly conversations with their mentor couple. The truth is, most folks would not need to see a Christian marriage therapist if they had gotten some wise counsel from a more seasoned couple earlier in their marriage.
It is life-changing to sit across the table from a couple that has been down this road for many years and have them answer your questions and give you advice on just about everything. Marriage mentoring obviously is not right for domestic abuse issues or couples who are close to divorce.
It is not geared for crisis management. It is designed to encourage and support couples who just need a shoulder to lean on. It is simple and it simply works. My wife and I have mentored couples over the years and have been mentored by marriage veterans.
What Do They Need?
Finally, I must suggest simple research one more time. Ask your church members two questions: “What can we do to help your marriage and family thrive?” and “What have we done in the last year that has helped our marriage and family?”
The church needs to do more of what works and craft programs for what we have missed. It”s curious that something as important as marriage and family ministry is one of the most under-researched areas we have. We simply don”t ask folks what works and what they need””but we should!
This current generation of young folks getting married is dying to know how to make their marriages and families work. We need to be serious, inquisitive, and committed to helping them find answers to their questions, and brave enough to help them see there is no such thing as the perfect Christian marriage. By being more focused and more committed to helping families, we will see if we can”t drive down the percentage of time Christian couples would describe their marriages as “pure Hell.”
Paul H. Alexander is vice president of academic affairs at Hope International University in Fullerton, California. He is an ordained minister and has spent 15 years as a professor of psychology and 20 years as a licensed marriage and family therapist
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