How You Can Help at a Time of Loss

By M. Ben Williams

A funeral is a hard time. Family and friends are dealing with shock and sadness that accompany grief. Their loved ones are also dealing with confusion. What do I do? We have all heard the phrase, “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” In fact, most of us have said those words.

Such offers typically are not helpful. The sentiment may be, but the statement is a step short of actually doing something. When dealing with the throes of grief, we do not always know what we need. It takes an enormous amount of energy to get out of bed and breathe in and out. There are many things that need to be done. It is very helpful when someone does those things.

We recently lost our father. Let me put this in perspective. Dad was a preacher for more than four decades. My brother and I have both served in ministry. I have a sister who is a nurse. Mom and my other sister have done the things you do at these times: brought food and cards or simply been there. In other words, we have all tried to minister to others in such times of need.

But facing loss ourselves was much more difficult. We did not always know what we needed. Our extended church family took care of things. They set the example of what can be done when someone you know is grieving.

After our experience, I have five suggestions for what you can do at times of loss.

 

1. Provide supplies for the visitation.

The family may be standing and speaking with loved ones for hours. Someone provided three comforts on the front row: water, tissues, and mints. The burden of those hours were lightened. Think of what a difference you can make by bringing a bag of mints to the front row each time a visitation is held at your church.

 

2. Help with memorial service details.

In times of grief, the most organized among us miss details. The funeral home will provide folders with basic information, but sometimes more needs to be said about the deceased.

Dad wanted the plan of salvation printed along with several other Scriptures. I handed this over to someone in the church and I was amazed by the results. He found a picture and some bulletin folders, and the result looked wonderful.

If you regularly help with the music at church, ask if the family would like music at the service. If they do not have specific songs in mind, offer something tasteful that reflects the preferences of the deceased. A church member provided a CD of instrumental hymns. We had not thought of that, but it was a nice touch. It was such a relief not being in charge of the details that day.

A thoughtful item you can prepare is a simple statement””one or two sentences””about what the deceased meant to you. Sometimes those attending are invited to share memories during the service. I”m not sure which is worse: the silence that follows such a request or those who cannot seem to keep their comments brief. One or two sentences can speak volumes.

I was overwhelmed by the number of people who said, “Your dad baptized me,” or “He took the time to encourage me when. . . .” Those phrases provided comfort and helped me form memories in the following weeks.

It is also acceptable to say nothing. Your presence means much more than your words.

 

3. Bring food.

This is a classic, but is very helpful. Remember that at the viewing, the family will be standing around for hours. It is extremely helpful to be able to slip out for a quick snack from a meat or vegetable tray. You can bring a covered dish to the funeral dinner or meals to the family”s home.

Remember to bring it in a disposable container. That will be one less detail for the family to worry about. You may want to take special note of nutritional needs, such as diabetes, gluten allergies, or lactose intolerance. Some simple meals, like chicken and rice, can be convenient and healthy to most. Someone brought chips, lunch meat, and sodas. That person knew there were teenagers and that meals would not always be sit-down affairs.

 

4. Provide paper products for the home.

Remember that extra meals are being delivered. If one member of your small group always brings a corn casserole, perhaps you can always bring paper plates and napkins. This saves the trouble of washing dishes. How about tissues or toilet paper? There are likely to be extra family members in the house. One friend simply placed a book of stamps in a card. Writing thank-you notes was therapeutic. Not having to make an extra trip to the post office was a relief.

 

5. Take care of needs at the house.

This can be especially helpful if the family is out of town. Mow the lawn. Clean the house. Do the laundry. It may seem odd or even invasive to go into someone else”s house and handle their dirty clothes, but most of us feel close enough with at least one friend at church who could do that.

Our neighbors came and handled all of the above. When my wife walked into our house, she cried. It was such a relief to be able to spend time together without those simple worries.

One of these things can make a huge difference. Do not attempt to do them all. Imagine if your small group at church decided to tackle this ministry. Each member could take on one of these tasks. Then you would each have something helpful to do instead of asking if there is anything that needs to be done.

Maybe cliché statements have some value. Perhaps I asked some people to help because they had said, “If there”s anything I can do,” frequently over the years. But I think I was more likely to ask those who had done hundreds of little and big things over the years.

 

M. Ben Williams serves as professor of preaching and Old Testament with Central Christian College of the Bible in Moberly, Missouri.