By Caleb Kaltenbach
SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to increase effectiveness of lead pastors who have grown too comfortable, a search firm has been created for the purpose of scaring them into working harder.
“Basically, when an elder board hires us, we make it look like they’re considering candidates to replace the lead pastor,” said Ben Campbell, president of The Faux Search Group. “The anxiety and stress naturally scares their lead pastor into giving more effort and working longer hours.”
“I guess I’m candidating for the job I have,” said pastor Chris Hayden of First Christian Church in Silmore, Kentucky. “One Sunday, this guy named Ben Campbell shows up asking me about my job description. Next thing I know, my elders are in the corner of the lobby, huddled together, looking at me, and talking.”
“Yeah, we were huddled together,” said Paul Brown, elder chairman at First Christian. “Honestly, we were talking about football, but we made it look like we were talking about Chris.”
Brown explained one tactic that’s being employed.
“Campbell gives me fake candidate profiles and I plant them around the church campus so Chris will find them. It’s worked amazingly well. Now Chris calls me three times a week, reports everything, and greets everyone in the church lobby—twice.”
Brown concedes there have been some negatives.
“Chris says he isn’t sleeping well and his blood pressure is rising. But it’s OK, we’ve . . . wait a second.” Brown had to step away because Hayden was calling to report on what he had eaten for lunch.
Caleb Kaltenbach is just kidding.