Church Removes Coffee and Doughnuts—Riot Ensues

By Caleb Kaltenbach

ANDERSON, NE—Staff of the Fleetwood Christian Church are still picking up the pieces after a riot on Sunday.

“That wasn’t our desired outcome,” said executive pastor Mike Millenhouse as he scratched his head in bewilderment. “It really boiled down to an economic analysis. I mean, no one really puts a dollar in the jar anymore.”

Millenhouse was speaking of the church’s decision to discontinue offering coffee and doughnuts on Sunday mornings. The FCC staff was expecting some pushback from the congregation, but the intensity of the reaction caught them by surprise.

“People began screaming when they found out the coffee was gone,” Millenhouse said. “Grown men began wrestling in the middle of the lobby. Children cried out in horror when they couldn’t find the doughnuts. Many people never entered the auditorium for worship. They were too busy yelling at each other.”

FCC member Benjamin Osgood seemed to speak for many.

“I rely on this church to not only preach the gospel, but to give me caffeine to stay awake during the sermon,” Osgood said. “And doughnuts—my kids love them. What am I supposed to give them for breakfast? They stopped eating cold cereal on Sundays a long time ago.”

“I look forward to my Sundays at Fleetwood,” said 85-year-old Barbara Shayhack. “I get a little Jesus and a little doughnut. Now I’m just left with a little Jesus and I’m not sure what to think about that!”

“I think we’re recovering nicely,” Millenhouse said. “We’ve sent out an email announcing the return of coffee and doughnuts for this Sunday. We’re also adding bacon. I think we’ll be OK!”

Caleb Kaltenbach is just kidding.