By Caleb Kaltenbach
WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump broke the presidential tradition of pardoning the White House Thanksgiving turkey.
After a speech about why people should be thankful for him, the president was jovial until he saw Fat Gobble. He immediately scowled, pointed to the turkey, and said, “Fat Gobble, you’re fired.”
The first lady, among others—including the children of some White House staffers—watched in horror as chefs appeared out of nowhere, seized the turkey by the neck, and hauled it to the kitchen. With feathers still flying, the first lady was overheard reassuring the president’s youngest son, Barron, that Fat Gobble was being taken to a special farm.
Some shocked reporters protested the turkey’s alleged mistreatment.
“It’s all fake news,” President Trump said. “I’m the most compassionate person you’ve ever met. Let me tell ya, there’s no one with more compassion.
“But, you know, you gotta eat. I gotta eat. We all gotta eat . . . especially on Thanksgiving. What’s more American than that?
“I had every intention of pardoning Fat Gobble, but I’m hungry, and Fat Gobble looked so delicious, so why shouldn’t we eat him? He’ll bring a lot of joy to people. Especially me. What could be better than that?”
“Who would do such a thing?” U.S. Rep. Nancy Pelosi protested. “He’s taken one of our great American traditions and turned it into . . . one of our great American traditions.”
“I wouldn’t have eaten Fat Gobble,” said President Obama, reached for comment in Hawaii. “Michelle considers turkey to be unhealthy. Fat Gobble would’ve been my ambassador to all the turkeys that America deals with around the world.”
Americans took to social media to voice their outrage over Fat Gobble’s death. In response, President Trump tweeted out:
“During previous administrations, there was a tremendous amount of collusion with turkeys. It was a total disaster. Believe me, I love turkeys. He just looked too delicious not to eat!”
Before eating Thanksgiving dinner, each Trump family member shared one thing they were thankful for. Barron Trump said, “I’m thankful for Fat Gobble’s new home on the farm!”
The table grew silent except for the sound of gravy being slurped.
Caleb Kaltenbach is just kidding.
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