Truth + Love: The Balancing Act

My wife, Beth, and I had just met a young couple as we were leaving church. After visiting with these strangers for a few minutes, we invited them to go eat lunch with our family. We found ourselves laughing and devouring sandwiches and getting to know them.

And that’s when it got awkward.

After asking Matt what part of town he lived in, I innocently proceeded to ask the same question of Stacie. In between bites, in matter-of-fact fashion, she replied that they lived together.

Two voices in my subconscious immediately began whispering to me.

One unwavering, firm voice said, Don’t hold back, Dave, they’ve given you an opening. They’ve caved into the culture and are living in sin. God served this up on a silver platter for you. Show some boldness and hit ’em with Revelation 22:15 and 1 Corinthians 6:18.

The other voice was kinder and gentler: You just met them, Dave. Let it go for now, otherwise they are going to turn away. There will be more opportunities later, after they get to know you all, and then you can challenge them with biblical truth.

I’m sure you’ve found yourself trying to walk a similar tightrope while still representing Jesus Christ. You’ve tried to keep the same balance he did when he stepped up for an adulterous woman in front of some self-righteous leaders and an observant crowd.

“‘Then neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin’” (John 8:11).

In just a few words, Jesus demonstrated the most powerful and potent combo when it comes to navigating your way through the land mines associated with differing beliefs and behavioral expectations.

It’s tough to lead when any decision you make is second-guessed.
Such is the world we live in today.

This past year certainly underscored we have a lot to learn in knowing how to interact and converse with those whose views and values differ from our own. Whether it was the way your preacher handled the pandemic or your boss addressed the racial unrest or your local leaders managed the shutdown of restaurants, schools, and churches.

It’s tough to lead when any decision you make is second-guessed. Such is the world we live in today. But I contend that Christians can hold different opinions than other Christians (and nonbelievers) and still remain faithful to Christ. I even believe that, in most situations, we can disagree without being disagreeable.

Even when someone criticizes you or sends you a nasty email questioning a decision, you can still take the high road.

If the conflict arises in a conversation, try to patiently wait while you intently listen. They will be more apt to listen to your opinion if you’ve listened to theirs.

If someone writes to criticize you, I suggest you look for any truth in their words, own what you should, repent if you are guilty, thank them for personally writing to you (versus publicly complaining about you to others), and then wait a day or two before you send it. We’ve all hastily texted, written, or said something in the heat of the moment that we later wish we had toned down or softened. While diplomacy may be fading in society, it can still be evident in the life of the believer.

The apostle Paul said, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15, emphasis mine).

The word instead indicates Paul wants the actions and words of Christians to look and sound quite different from the world.

Distinctive in Public Settings

For those of you in Christian leadership, perhaps you’ve noticed that it’s less stressful at times to excel at “teaching the truth.” You can preach it boldly from a pulpit knowing there’s less risk, since you have the microphone and there’s no interaction. It’s easier to stand for truth when it’s a monologue and not a dialogue.

The church already has enough chameleon Christians who allow their setting and surroundings to dictate their decisions and alter their actions.

But if there is harshness to your tone, if your nonverbal communication lacks love, then you have unknowingly discouraged your congregation from ever wanting to invite an unchurched friend to come to church with them. In their minds, it’s not worth the risk if their friend or acquaintance is likely to hear a lesson that’s heavy on truth but light on grace. The truth must be spoken, . . . and with tact. Someone defined tact as the ability to make someone feel at home—when you wish that they were!

Distinctive in Private Settings

At other times, you might excel at speaking in a loving manner. It might occur in a small gathering or perhaps when a crying person privately tells you a sad story that makes you side with them. In those moments, it can be easy to overlook that there’s another side to the story that may be just as compelling.

So, it depends on the setting. But that’s not what Paul is asking, or commanding, us to do. He wants us to speak the truth in love.

That’s what Priscilla and Aquila did with Apollos, who “taught about Jesus accurately, though he knew only the baptism of John” (Acts 18:25). So, “Priscilla and Aquila . . . invited him to their home and explained to him the way of God more adequately” (v. 26).

Priscilla and Aquila could have embarrassed Apollos before the crowd in the synagogue or taken him aside privately and debated him, but they took the high road. They invited him into their home, a safe and comfortable place. Home is a setting where questions could be asked and truth could be taught.

Apollos may have been receptive to the couple’s instruction because of where they taught him.

I recognize that bringing someone to your home isn’t always possible or practical. Some situations and settings, like my impromptu lunch conversation, require an immediate response on a delicate subject right where you are.

“Our carnal nature wants to deliver a dose of humiliation and condemnation,” Jon Weece says, “but Jesus wants to give grace and truth. Grace plus truth equals love.”

No Compromise

But what about those areas where a Christian mustn’t compromise? In these contentious times, is it possible to honor biblical truth and still be loving?

The church already has enough chameleon Christians who allow their setting and surroundings to dictate their decisions and alter their actions.

If you have a pulse, then at times you will be tempted to lower your Christian standards to avoid conflict in the break room, locker room, board room, and even your own living room. There’s a temptation to remain silent. And yet, you know there are moments when God is expecting you to swim against the current.

If you are a people pleaser, there’s a tendency to avoid difficult conversations and to simply say, “That’s their choice” or “That’s between them and the Lord.”

But we can’t acquiesce and lower our standards just to keep the peace.

Meanwhile, Back at Our Lunch . . .

I did hear voices in my head during our lunch that day. One voice urged me toward righteous anger and boldness while another voice encouraged me to escape the subject of living together by avoiding it altogether. But, at the risk of sounding schizophrenic, thank the Lord there was a third voice. It sounded like the voice of my dad. Words from my favorite sermon of his came to mind. Dad was reading Paul’s words from that passage in Ephesians I mentioned earlier: “Instead, speaking the truth in love . . .”

Looking back, it probably was the prompting of the Holy Spirit, but throughout my life, quite often that voice has closely resembled the uncompromising, loving tones of my father.

So I swallowed a bite of my sandwich, . . . and then I swallowed again, and then I asked the couple if they were sleeping together. They nonchalantly replied, “Yes, we are.”

And gently and lovingly I began to talk about how our culture has made “living together” a pseudo entry path to marriage. But I went on to share that God lays out a better route that can actually offer a deeper love, a fuller commitment and covenant.

Matt feigned ignorance and Stacie followed his lead, but after I gently shared a few more lines, I could see Stacie’s eyes taking on more water than they could hold. Tears began to leak out and she looked at me and confessed, “I know what we are doing is wrong.”

We all talked some more, and I asked them to take a couple of days to think about what we’d discussed and to pray about it.

Before we left, we invited them to start coming to our home on Wednesday nights to hang out with some other couples (that’s code for inviting them to a home Bible study). They showed up that Wednesday.

Three weeks later, Matt and Stacie changed their living arrangements, and I had the privilege of baptizing them into Christ. About four months later, I performed their wedding.

God did it. We had a front-row seat to his power. He is always the central figure in any story of transformation. But he wants to use your creativity, personality, and faithfulness as you speak the truth in love to help draw people to him.

Tone Matters

I used the example of a couple living together outside of marriage, but in this world where moral relativism rules, there are many touchy topics that need to be turned toward the truth.

Whether the issue is recreational drug use, acting out on same-sex attraction, abusing the workplace expense account, or occasionally viewing porn, you will need to share God’s truth. Just make certain you do so with his grace and love.

For those of you who tend to lean more toward grace than truth, ask yourself, “What’s at stake here?” If I remain silent and don’t share “the way of God more accurately” (Acts 18:25, English Standard Version), how could it negatively affect this person’s life, family tree, and eternity?

God is always the central figure in any story of transformation. But he wants to use your creativity, personality, and faithfulness as you speak the truth in love to help draw people to him.

For those of you who tend to instantly gravitate toward truth rather than grace, practice pressing pause and try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Why do they behave or believe the way they do? Someone said, “Never be surprised when an unbeliever acts like an unbeliever.” Patience and self-control also play a role in having an amicable, respectful dialogue.

How you say words of truth is just as important as what you say. If your tone or manner communicates judgment or shame, it’s likely your challenge will be met with resistance or defensiveness.

Over the years, I’m certain I’ve turned off some “Matts” and “Stacies” by taking too strict a stance on something, or, at other times, being too soft on sin. I’m sure, on some occasions, I proudly spouted Scripture (but missed the intent of the words), and in some settings I fearfully clammed up (instead of lovingly speaking up).

I can’t unscramble eggs, but I can try to be ready for the next unexpected, awkward moment that presents itself. Read Ephesians 4:15 again (“Instead, speaking the truth in love . . .”).

God’s inspired Word says he wants, expects, and demands both love and truth.

I like the way Bob Russell puts it,  

Love without truth—that’s sentimentality.

Truth without love—that’s dogmatism.

But the truth in love—that’s Christianity.