By Ken Idleman
It is inevitable, moving through our individual life passages, that we will periodically have to navigate hard conversations. And no one is exempt. The only way to escape the occasional uncomfortable dialogue with another person is to become a total recluse. But—unless you move away from civilization and opt for a solitary existence as the Unabomber—as you move forward and upward in life, into positions of greater responsibility, difficult conversations will likely become more necessary and frequent.
It is certainly part of the ebb and flow of family life. As a husband, I remember being on the receiving end of a hard conversation or two with the wife about my difficulty saying ‘no’ to every ministry opportunity that came across my desk and my tendency to throw things away that she wanted to keep and my propensity for putting things away without knowing where they belong and my habitually being late for dinner and my failure to get dirty laundry to the clothes hamper and … well you get the picture! And I remember having to sit down with our three kids to let them know that we were not going to be able to have pets like other kids/families. Then there was the day I had to tell my 95-year-old mother that it was time to draw a line under her driving (and then getting her to voluntarily release the car keys!). Or, have you ever had a hard conversation with a coach or a teacher? That’s fun. Hard conversations tend to be in the fine print of the average job description, but believe me, they are there. In your work life, if you are working under people or alongside people or over people, whether vocationally or as a volunteer, you will have to either initiate or respond to potentially unpleasant or unsettling conversations. And certainly in church life, hard conversations occasionally need to happen. At the same time, such personal encounters can be very positive, resulting in satisfying and even pleasant outcomes.
Bottom line: Hard conversations tend to be agony if they are handled poorly and ecstasy if they are handled skillfully.
When there is a subjectively felt/objectively recognized need for a hard conversation, people typically respond in one of three ways:
– Avoidance – A predecessor once shared this piece of advice with his successor before riding off into the sunset of retirement. “If a real problem arises, I just take a couple or three days off and stay at home. It is amazing how often things work themselves out.” Well, truth be told, his successor found out that many of those problems had not been solved. So, they had become more serious issues needing to be resolved. A laissez-faire leadership stye [letting things take their own course] does not yield good results in developing healthy Christian community. Conflict avoidance does not serve a faith community well.
– Aggression – Tough conversations should not be entered into with a negative mindset or a fatalistic attitude. The focus should not be on the difficulty that needs to be clarified or the problem that needs to be solved. Higher objectives should be pursued … the immediate preservation of the relationship and the ultimate advancement of the mission.
– Acceptance – When tough conversations are entered into with humility and thoughtful preparation, they can result in mutual understanding and mutual respect. Even if the best possible outcomes from the conversation are not realized, there will be better consideration and good will leading to improvements. Face to face is always the best (Matthew 18:15ff).
Local church leaders will sometimes be called on to lead out in determining both the need and the agenda for a hard conversation. Wisdom, spiritual maturity, and Christian leadership are vital to maintaining the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace in the life of the church.
It is the nature of spiritual warfare that the shepherds sometimes have to function as guardians of the flock. So, topics for tough conversations might include the following:
1. Termination of employment
2. Confrontation of bad behavior or poor job performance
3. Financial mismanagement
4. Attitude adjustment
5. Character or sin issue in the church leadership/family
6. Address a doctrinal concern
7. Evaluating criticisms
8. Communication breakdown.
Ken Idleman is vice president of leadership development for The Solomon Foundation, Parker Colorado.
Part 2 or “Navigating Tough Conversations” will appear in next week’s newsletter.
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