By Tyler McKenzie
I’m Getting a Doctorate Specializing in … Parenting
For those who follow the Engage column, a little personal-life update. About the last 4 years, I’ve been working on a doctorate at Wheaton College, and I am almost done! The last thing left is a capstone qualitative research project on a topic of my choosing that impacts the church.
I started praying about what that topic should be for Northeast two years ago, and I felt God nudge me to study parents. Specifically, my goal is to understand how Christian parents think about passing down their faith to their kids. I have been reading the most up-to-date research in the field, and I will also be conducting my own research this fall. The growth Northeast is experiencing today has been primarily among families with kids in the home. Studying parents made a lot of sense.
As I prepare to do my own research, I have reviewed the most up-to-date and respected studies already done in the field of intergenerational faith transmission. While reading, I’ve honed a list of practices that jumped out of the research. In this column, I’ll share with you my top ten ways parents can increase the probability they pass down their faith … according to the data!
The #1 Most Decided Data Point for Passing Faith Down
- Parents are, by far, the biggest influence on the spiritual lives of their kids. Which tells me that the role of a church is not to be the primary spiritual influencer, but to equip parents to be the primary spiritual influencers. We get them an hour a week;
,parents get them the rest.
This first point is by far the most decided datum out there. It is essential for every parent to embrace. Christian Smith is a leading sociologist who has spent years studying the religious lives of youth. When it comes to kids and faith, Smith’s knowledge spans generations. This is his most decided finding!
His team measured the influence of parents against all other possible factors. They found that parents … not peers, not media, not Tik-Tok, not pastors, not schools, not sports … parents have the most power. Smith writes, “The best predictor of what any American’s religious life will be like in adulthood is how their parents held their religious beliefs while raising them.”
I highlight this for two reasons. First, I want to put healthy pressure on parents to take parental responsibility. We live in a day where we are outsourcing child-rearing. Many parents are too busy with work or “self-care” to be involved. We hire professional childcare, teachers, psychologists, coaches, pastors, etc. to do our job. But nothing can replace your influence. We should be sacrificing time, money, and personal ambition to raise up leaders of consequence for the Kingdom of God.
The other reason I say this is because a lot of parents don’t believe they are influential. It’s long been a parenting maxim that, “Once your kids get to middle school, there is a shift from parent to peer influence.” That isn’t what the data says. Peer pressure is real, no doubt. Once they hit middle school, you aren’t cool anymore. But no matter how much your kids roll their eyes at you, parents have more power than they think.
The Rest of the Top Ten
- Daily, parent-initiated, kid-led faith conversations. If parents have the influence, then this is how the data says they should be using it … daily faith conversations.
“If there were one practical take-away from our research, it would be … parents need not only to walk the walk but also regularly to talk with their children about their walk, what it means, why it matters, why they care.” –Christian Smith & Amy Adamcyzk
But here’s an interesting twist! These conversations can’t be parent-led monologues. The data shows that the most effective conversations are kid-led. The parents are responsible for creating an environment of safety and normalcy around faith conversations, but the conversations should be child-centered. The kid asks the questions. The kid does most of the talking. The parent meets the child at their point of curiosity, and then uses wisdom to know when to speak, when to ask a follow-up, or when to offer honest advice.
- According to Kara Powell at the Fuller Institute, most parents are not having regular faith conversations with kids. Only 12% have a regular dialogue with their mother. Only 5% with their father.
- Don Everts reported in The Spiritually Vibrant Home that there is a strong correlation between the quantity of time a family spends together and the quality of faith conversations that they have. Families that are with each other more (eating, watching shows, going to church, playing games, really just about anything) have more vibrant spiritual conversations.
- Barna found that mothers and fathers are the first place teens go to talk about questions regarding faith and the Bible. The only category teens say they would be more likely to talk to a friend first is sex. As a parent, I want to be the primary voice in my kids’ vision of sexuality.
- Authoritative parenting style over Authoritarian or Permissive.
The terms authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive are not my own. They are used in psychological research to describe a spectrum of parenting styles that range from strict (authoritarian) to soft (permissive). The authoritative style is the word used to describe the magic middle that pulls the good of both sides together. The authoritative style is:
- High on expectations and direction [like authoritarians], but also high on warmth and affection [like permissives].
- High on discipline and accountability [like authoritarians], but also high on emotional responsiveness and communication [like permissives].
- Caring but not indulging.
- Clear on boundaries while encouraging freedom therein.
- Firm in convictions but flexible in applications.
Not only did the research find this style to be most beneficial for the healthy development of children, but this style is also the most effective at transmitting religious beliefs from parent-to-child.
- Fathers matter a lot. This is not to diminish the vital role of mothers. It is an acknowledgement that fathers are more often absent or passive in the parenting journey. The presence of a Godly father has extraordinary power.
- Grandparents matter a lot too! Vern Bengtson, a researcher in the field, found that the presence of a faithful grandparent can replace the role of a faithless or absent parent.
- 5:1 Ratio. That’s not five kids to one adult mentor, that’s five adult mentors to every one kid. Powell and the Fuller Institute found that when kids are mentored and loved by a broader Christian village, it has a profound impact. It creates an intergenerational village of spiritual support where youth see faith modeled in several adult lives and have multiple safe adults to confide in.
- Stable marriage, united in faith. The data shows kids are far more likely to embrace their parents’ religious beliefs if their parents stay married and share the same faith convictions. Go figure!
- Generally warm and affirming relations with your kid. This posture should be our reflex as parents.
- The first two weeks of college are critical. I know this seems random, but more than once the research showed that the beginning of college is pivotal. Getting your child plugged into a faith community during that time strongly influences their long-term spiritual habits
- Good theology must serve as the foundation for parenting. In the research, Smith’s team found that most Christian parents aren’t passing down biblical faith. You may remember Smith’s work in the early 2000s on “Moralistic Therapeutic Deism” among teenagers. These teens he studied then are now the parents of the emerging generation. We are seeing their childhood faith leak into the emerging generation. The data shows we are passing down something like a Christianized version of the “the American Dream.” Most parents talk about religion as a means to the higher goal of attaining a good, comfortable, happy, moral life. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with hoping your kids are happy and moral, but when we teach our kids that faith serves this higher end, we aren’t actually passing down orthodox Christianity.
There’s my ten! More on this to come as my research develops. My prayer is this will inform your own respective ministries.
Tyler McKenzie serves as lead pastor at Northeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky.
Author: Christian Standard
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Really good stuff here! I appreciate the research and insight. I didn’t have luck following the embedded links. Is there anything you can do on your end to make those work?
Thanks for the notification and sorry for the problem. All links should be working now.
We setup a little ‘story lab’ at a Christian hybrid school and created opportunity for the kids to interview their parents and grandparents about things like “hearing from God” for example.
These simple but intentional tests have led me to believe this is the sort of thing that can be easily done in churches and schools, but busyness and an unspoken status quo of timidity and lack of vulnerability keep things like this suppressed.
Love it!
Such a timely article. Thanks!
Bravo! It’s great to see solid advice based on research and not baseless anecdotes and homiletical tropes. Especially, given the long shelf-life of the baseless assertion about fathers being the singular crucial element (it’s parents in general, and as the research shows, moms tend to be better about this than dads), this list accesses data showing the range of influences. It’s an agenda we can all adopt.
On the matter of conversations with your kids, I will always treasure the moment fifteen years ago when our daughter was a freshman in college. She called weekly to talk to us, and on one call in her first quarter, she told us about the icebreaker in a Bible study she attended. She told us the leader asked everyone to share something they missed about home. Our daughter said that other students in the Bible study responded with things like, “my dog,” or “my bed,” or “my mom’s cooking.” But our daughter told us her response: “the theological discussions at the dinner table.”
It wasn’t conscious or deliberate, just natural for us. But we felt good.
This isn’t impossible. We can do it.