Friendship as a spiritual discipline for pastors and ministry leaders
This article argues friendship may be one of the most neglected spiritual disciplines in modern ministry, especially for pastors and leaders. Drawing on research about pastoral loneliness, it offers practical nudges: be a Christian first, be a church member, use rhythms and technology to stay connected, and choose to show up as a good friend. The goal is healthier leaders and stronger discipleship within the church.
- Pastoral loneliness is widespread, and friendship often becomes neglected or malnourished in ministry life.
- Leaders are urged to prioritize Christian community: vulnerability, confession, and burden-sharing.
- Practical rhythmsโapps, monthly meetups, yearly tripsโcan help friendships thrive.
By Terrence Turman
Friendship might just be one of the most neglected spiritual disciplines in the modern world, especially for those who serve as pastors, ministers, or ministry leaders. If neglected doesnโt feel like the right word, then maybe itโs a malnourished area of the pastorate. Whether you feel that to be true about you or not, surveying the land and research bears witness to this problem. The Barna Group revealed in a 2023 study that 65 percent of U.S. pastors now report feelings of loneliness or isolation, up substantially from 42 percent in 2015. Along with that, a recent Lifeway Survey found that two in three pastors felt they needed to devote time and attention to friendships and fellowship with others. With all of that in mind, I would like to use this article to give a few nudges to my ministry friends in the realm of friendships. These probably wonโt be revolutionary suggestions, but if embraced, they could fundamentally change your life like they have mine.
Allow yourself to be a Christian first and a minister second.
There is no understatement to the fact that many of us were trained, one way or another, to embrace the โabove reproach life.โ I have no issue with that call. But what happens when we go overboard? What Iโve found is that many people in ministry try to live out the standards written to Timothy and Titus for church leaders while simultaneously ignoring the bulk of what Paul wrote and modeled about living in Christian community.
Before we can be effective Christian leaders, we must first live as Christian brothers and sisters. You were saved into a family and a body, not into ministry. Your function in the work of ministry is simply your part in the overall health and thriving of the body.
When I say, โBe a Christian first,โ what Iโm calling us Christian leaders to do is the very thing we charge our congregants to do every time we preach or teach on relationships: find your people, be vulnerable, confess your sins, give others a chance to carry your burdens, and so on. You get the point. Somewhere along the way, if weโre not careful, we can forget the art of just being humans saved by grace into the best family in the world.
Be a church member, not just a ministry leader or pastor.
The blurred lines of working where you worship are hard to navigate. Sometimes showing up to the building where people gather weekly for refuge feels like a burden to you. The people others canโt wait to see can become the people you hope to avoid in rough seasons of shepherding. Not to mention, you live behind the curtain 40+ hours a week. You know how decisions were made, sometimes in ways you disagree with, or how a โnew initiative from the Holy Spiritโ was really just something the senior pastor or elders pushed onto everyone to execute. If not handled with maturity and grace, all of this can become a barrier to simply loving and engaging in your church.
Rather than allowing the church you love to slip into being just your workplace or the place you bi-vocationally serve, I encourage you to do something that might feel crazy: join a small group, and donโt lead it. Go to the menโs or womenโs gathering and let volunteers or others lead so you can just be in the room enjoying people. Join a fantasy league in the church. Invite people over to your home not to shepherd them, but to get to know them and play games like Charades, Dominoes, or Heads Up where you can just be a competitive mess. Donโt stand on the sideline praising God for hearing stories of community in others. Make an effort to create your own memories.
Use technology and rhythms to keep friendships alive.
Sometimes life moves at a pace our friendships canโt keep up with. Someone takes a new job across town or moves out of state. Our kidsโ baseball or gymnastics schedules suddenly feel more demanding than dinner plans. We have sermons to write, curriculum to prepare, classrooms to set up, and households to maintain. Before we know it, our life feels like a plate of Thanksgiving leftovers, stuffed to the brim with a lot of good things that can start to turn our stomachs when weโve had too much of them.
Instead of just existing to make it to bed each night and to coffee the next morning, I want you to consider how using the tools around us and keeping committed rhythms can make friendship fit for you.
In my life, I use three things that have been game changers for me: the Marco Polo app, monthly meetups, and yearly trips.
Marco Polo is a video recording app where you and others can have long-form conversations at your convenience. One person records themselves talking, I often do this during my commute. I prop my phone on my open ashtray turned coin-collector, hit record, drive, talk, and send the message. Later that evening, my friends respond, and back and forth we go. I have multiple โface-to-faceโ conversations each week with a pastor friend in Nashville, one in Memphis, and one in Atlanta. After a while, it feels like we live in the same city because we talk so often.
When it comes to monthly meetups, itโs simple: who are the people you enjoy getting time with? Schedule a coffee, enjoy your time, and before you leave, pull out your phones and schedule the next meetup. I often say, โSame time and day next month?โ and what do you know; itโs usually open. That rhythm keeps us connected.
The idea of yearly trips is self-explanatory. Make time once a year to be with people in person who live out of town. Once a year, my Atlanta friend and I spend a weekend together, alternating between Louisville and Atlanta. With my Nashville friend, we carve out a day each year to spend time grabbing lunch and catching up incarnationally. My friend in Memphis is newer, but our plan is to keep serving at the same summer-camp week every year, built-in community while doing something we love.
Thatโs a picture of making friendship work for me, but what rhythms might work for you?
Be a good friend to others.
The last thing Iโll share is what I call the โgolden ruleโ of friendship: Be the friend to others that you would want them to be for you.
Our friendships might be in different stages: acquaintance level, cultivation stage, stranded, or touch-and-go. Regardless of the season, how we show up in those relationships is fully within our control. One of the best ways to build lasting friendships is to show up when they donโt expect you to. Give when they donโt ask. Support them when theyโre working toward a goal. Pray for them in their pain. Seek them out when you havenโt heard from them in a while. Be okay being the one who โwho always texts or calls.โ Live as if the friendship truly matters to you. We canโt control when or if our friends reciprocate, but we can control what they receive from us.
Friendship isnโt extra credit in ministry; itโs part of the curriculum of discipleship. If we want a thriving church, we donโt just need better systems, we need better friendships.
In the end, this is where discipleship meets friendship: ordinary people walking together, shaping one another, and making the gospel a beautiful display to the world around us. I believe that as Christian leaders learn to embrace and model true friendships, weโll also learn to navigate the divisive denominational, political, and cultural conversations with greater grace and wisdom. And tell me, who doesnโt want that?
Terrence Turman is Executive Pastor of Spiritual Formation with Northeast Christian Church, Louisville, Kentucky.
Author: Terrence Turman
Terrence Turman serves as a pastor with Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky. He is a proud husband and father to soon to be four children. Along with his pastoral duties, Terrence serves as a wrestling chaplain with the local FCA.
