Don’t Make My Mistake

By Mike Edmisten

“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” That quote is often attributed to Catherine Aird, the British novelist. 

This edition of Christian Standard offers good examples of ministry friendships. My own story, however, might serve as a counterweight. It is a warning about what happens when friendships are neglected, especially in local church ministry. 

I have invested 27 years in ministry, with the last 17 as a lead pastor. During that time, I enjoyed many authentic, meaningful friendships within our church family. But I wasn’t intentional about building relationships with ministers in other churches. 

I wasn’t a total recluse. If another pastor reached out and wanted to meet for coffee, I almost always said yes. And there were numerous local church leaders who pursued friendship with me. I’m deeply grateful to them.  

I rarely initiated those connections myself, though. I also tended to skip local networking gatherings, leadership conferences, and other opportunities to connect. I told myself I had good reasons.  

What I actually had was a list of bad excuses. 

Excuse #1: “I’m an introvert.” 

Seeking out new relationships felt like emotional labor. Ministry was taxing enough already, so I convinced myself I didn’t have the energy for even more connections. 

I’ve learned something, though. Yes, I’m an introvert. But so are many other ministers. As odd as it sounds, many introverts gravitate toward this public-facing role. 

If that describes you, please hear this from a fellow introvert: there will always be a temptation to hole up in your office for more sermon study instead of heading to Starbucks to meet with another local pastor.  

I’m not suggesting that you skip your sermon prep, but don’t let your office become a place to retreat from critical friendships.  

Excuse #2: “I’m too busy.” 

Ministry never stops. As the saying goes, “Sundays come around with increasing regularity.” There will always be another meeting, sermon, or email waiting for you.  

I’m a pragmatist by nature, and taking time out to meet with another pastor for lunch just didn’t feel “productive.” But friendship is hard to measure or quantify. It is not a deliverable you can include in your next elder report. But remember the old axiom: “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” 

Excuse #3: “I don’t measure up.” 

This one was the hardest to admit. There were seasons when I felt like a ministerial fraud. I was leading a turnaround church and progress was slow. In many gatherings with other pastors, I was leading the smallest church in the room. While others celebrated wins, I was just trying to survive the next difficult meeting. I thought they would pity me, and I hate being pitied, so I would often skip those gatherings.  

Over time, I realized this narrative only existed in my head. In reality, nearly all pastors wrestle with feelings of inadequacy. Some just hide it better than others. I thought I was the only one battling imposter syndrome, until I began talking openly with others and discovered they felt the same way. Ministry friendships don’t completely erase those feelings, but they do remind you that you’re not alone. When answers are scarce and you’re running on fumes, there is value in commiserating with someone who “gets it.” No one understands a pastor like another pastor. 

Discovering What I Missed 

Today, in my role as Managing Director of the CCL Network, I regularly meet with ministers and church leaders to encourage and support them. Truth be told, I’m usually the one who walks away encouraged. 

I’ve cultivated more ministry friendships in the past year than I did in any five-year span as a local pastor, and those friendships have been life-giving. It is absolutely the best part of my job, which is why I’m so frustrated with my younger self. Ministry is a grind, and I neglected the balm of ministry friendships for far too long. I also neglected my responsibility to my fellow pastors. 

Paul said it plainly: “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, New American Standard Bible). When I withdrew from relationships with other church leaders, I wasn’t bearing their burdens or allowing them to bear mine. That isolation wasn’t just unwise. It was disobedient. 

An Invitation to Choose Differently 

Thankfully, by God’s patience and grace, I see things differently now. I can’t redo the past, but I can live differently today, and so can you. 

Put this article down and make that call. Send that text. Write that email to another local pastor. Strengthen an existing friendship or cultivate a new one.  

I used to think I didn’t have time for that. 

Now I realize I don’t have time not to. 

After 27 years in local church ministry, Mike Edmisten now serves as the Managing Director of the CCL Network.