By Brad Dupray
Sue Wilson and her husband, Don, both grew up in the wheat fields of Kansas. They met as students at Manhattan Christian College and now, after 38 years of marriage, are the proud parents of one son and two daughters (all married and working in ministry) who have provided them with 11 grandchildren. Twenty-five years ago this month, Don and Sue started Christ”s Church of the Valley (CCV) in Phoenix, Arizona. Today CCV is a dynamic ministry in the northern Phoenix suburb of Peoria with average weekend attendance exceeding 11,000.
How would you define your role at CCV? Are you the “pastor”s wife” or is there more to it than that?
I hope there is more to it than that! I see my role as being called to love God, love my husband, and love people. I don”t see the pastor”s wife role as being an obstacle, but an opportunity. I”m understandably scrutinized in ways that often are uncomfortable, but I believe people are just looking for authenticity in their spiritual leaders. Don and I have always tried to be true to who we believe God created us to be, so what you see is what you get. We”re the same in public as we are in private, and people seem to respond favorably to that.
Do you feel like you live under a microscope?
Sometimes, yes. I think that comes with the territory. Even in small churches the pastor and his wife have a sort of “celebrity” status. In any sense of the word, celebrity calls for a greater accountability. For those of us who are leaders in ministry there are higher expectations and higher responsibility. The Bible says, “To whom much is given much will be required.” I think we”ll be judged according to that principle.
How has Don changed over the years, or is he still the same guy you married?
Actually, Don has changed a lot””and it”s all for the better! We were young and naïve when we married and I think we had unrealistic expectations of a marriage relationship. We”re both a lot smarter now. We know each other”s imperfections and have chosen to love in spite of them.
Has your supporting role adjusted over time?
Yes, in some ways. For instance, in the beginning there weren”t enough people in our church to do all the things that needed to be done, so my partnership was more hands-on. Now, I still do some hands-on ministry, but for the most part, my partnership is more supportive, in the background, being here to encourage him to be all he can be rather than working beside him like I used to.
CCV is one of the largest churches in the country. Does it feel like that to you?
Yes and no. Yes, in that every weekend I look at the sea of faces and wonder where these people came from! No, in that there are a lot of people I”ve become personally connected to over the years””people I can depend on for support.
As a young pastor”s wife did you ever imagine CCV would be the kind of church it is today?
No, I didn”t. I”m often in awe of the fact CCV is what it is, in spite of who we are. But when I look back at our journey I feel like we have followed a path that is natural. I feel like if the church is doing what it should be doing, it is natural to grow. I don”t think you can just close the doors. I don”t think we”re being obedient to the Great Commission if we don”t allow the church to grow.
Do you ever just want to go back to the start””be a little church with fewer responsibilities?
I think large churches actually have the same amount of responsibilities as small churches, just on a grander scale. Being in a large church is easier in some ways because I can serve in the areas of my giftedness, where in a small church I had to fill in whatever needed to be done, so I guess I”d have to say, “No, I don”t want to go back.” I love our church.
Do you advise Don much on what”s happening at the church? How does he react when you offer advice?
I do offer my input, but only if he asks for it. He respects my opinion. That doesn”t mean he always does what I suggest. I believe God has given him the vision to build the church, not me. My calling is to support and encourage him; sometimes that means offering my input, sometimes it means keeping my opinions to myself. I know he doesn”t make decisions without seeking God, so I trust his judgment most of the time. But there have been a few times when I”ve said, “Have you thought about how this will come across to people? Have you talked about it with the elders?” We have learned that open communication is a necessary part of the decision-making process.
How do you respond to Don”s critics, both publicly and privately?
If someone approaches me with a criticism of Don or the church, I tell them to make an appointment with him and confront him personally. I don”t want people to use me to get to him. Privately, I have learned to release the critics to God. I have learned Satan is a pro at misperception and misunderstanding, which is what most criticism stems from. Each person”s perception becomes his reality, and the devil knows just how to distort those perceptions. I have to take it to God and work through the forgiveness process with his strength.
CCV is known for a targeted ministry toward men. How do you react to that?
I don”t think it was by accident that Jesus chose 12 men to be his closest companions. He knew men have to be challenged to grow spiritually. For the most part, women don”t. Women seem to naturally gravitate toward spirituality. Statistics have proven the most effective way to reach families for Christ is to start with the man. That doesn”t diminish the role of women in the church in any way. Many churches would not have survived without faithful, godly women who were willing to step up and lead when there were no men to do so. But I believe Jesus has set an example many churches have ignored over the years. We have not provided a church that challenges men to step into the leadership role God has created them for. If we don”t make some changes to engage men, they will continue to sit on the sidelines and allow women to take the lead.
What would be your primary advice to a young minister”s wife today?
Remember, you must live your life to please God, not men. There will be a lot of criticism and opposition, but you have to keep on with the ministry you have been called to do. You have to buy in to your husband”s vision for the church, and recognize that your support of him is crucial to the success of the ministry.
What about a church planter”s wife, is it any different?
Yes, in some ways I think it is. Going into an established church you are automatically suspect to some degree. People don”t know you, so it”s going to take awhile for them to embrace you. When you plant a church, the people you start with are already your supporters””they”re on your team””so I think that does make it a little easier.
Are churches generally responsive to the needs of the pastor”s wife?
I think a lot of church people don”t really know what a toll the ministry takes on a pastor”s wife. There”s a lot of hurting women out there because people aren”t sensitive to the fact that the pastor”s wife is one of the greatest assets in the success of a church”s ministry. If she is unhappy, lonely, feels unloved, or criticized she’s not able to be the support to her husband that enables him to do what he was hired to do. I”ve talked to many pastors” wives who have been hurt by the words or actions of church people who just don”t think about what they are doing.
If you had it to do over again, what would you do differently?
That”s a difficult question. I’m not sure I would do anything differently. Not that we haven”t made mistakes, but we have sought God”s direction and tried to follow his leading. I think that”s all he has asked us to do.
Tell us about the real Don Wilson.
Don”s a guy who likes to have fun when it”s time to have fun, but when it”s time to do business he wants to do business. Sometimes it”s hard for people to switch gears as fast as he does. Because he”s such a fun-loving person, he”s sometimes misunderstood for not being a spiritual person, but he”s very much connected to God in his personal life and in his ministry. Sometimes the decisions he makes are big ones that scare us all, including him. But he knows if God is leading him in that decision, God is big enough to lead us through it.
Brad Dupray is senior vice president, investor development, with Church Development Fund, Irvine, California.
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