The Quest for Balance

By David Limiero

Pictures are powerful. Take the phrase “work-life balance” as an example. It comes from an old-fashioned balance scale, with weights on opposite ends of a long bar centered on a fulcrum. Slide one of the weights too far to the left or right and it “tips the scale” so that one side outweighs the other. Move the weights differently and one will counteract the other until the bar is carefully balanced on the fulcrum. Unfortunately, even a slight touch to the bar will cause a lot of up and down motion before the scale slowly comes back into balance. 

That might be an apt description of your life and ministry right now. For many, the scale is tipped to one side (most often ministry, not life), with one side outweighing the other. For others, balance is temporary and tentative, easily bumped up and down by an unexpected email, call, meeting, or pastoral emergency.  

The quest for balance is often fleeting. You’ll find plenty of tips online about achieving work-life balance. Many are helpful. But in this article, I want to focus on mindsets—the way we think—more than mechanics. Here are some key mindsets needed in the quest for work-life balance. 

Step One: Believe Balance Is Possible 

If you don’t believe balance is possible, you’re unlikely to find it. We often struggle with what author Jim Collins calls the “Tyranny of the Or.” This “either-or” thinking is crippling and shuts down transformation. Often this looks like a choice between family and ministry. I only have two choices: Prioritize family and sacrifice ministry. Or prioritize ministry and sacrifice family.  

Author Michael Hyatt describes another “either-or” fallacy. We can succumb to the “Hustle Fallacy.” Work hard and fast now, knowing that we are sacrificing some of our values in the hope that it will be better someday in the future. Work now; rest later. Or we can succumb to the “Ambition Brake.” In order to protect life and family, we push the brake pedal on ministry growth, settling for less than could be if we put in our full effort.  

Notice the unconscious assumption behind those examples—I can’t have both! But what if you could? What if you could have a thriving ministry AND a thriving family? What would change if you opened yourself up to the possibility of “both-and” thinking instead of “either-or” thinking? 

Author Jim Collins calls this the “Genius of the AND.” Michael Hyatt calls this the Double Win: “Win at Work AND Succeed in Life.” Author Mike Breen has a great book titled Family on Mission that replaces the false dichotomy of “family before mission” or “mission before family” with “family on mission.” And Paul’s instructions for selecting elders and deacons put as much emphasis on managing life as they do on excellence in ministry. 

This isn’t conflict—it’s paradox. Jesus says in John chapter 10 (English Standard Version), “I came that they might have life and have it abundantly.” He also says in Matthew 16, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” These seem to be in conflict—abundant life or self-denial. Instead, there’s a paradox. We can take up our cross AND have an abundant life. Start by believing balance is possible. Not either-or, but both-and. 

Step Two: Move Beyond Work-Life Balance 

Notice something about the phrase “work-life balance.” There are only two components: work and life. For many, that translates into the work of ministry balanced with a big bucket called “life.” It’s another example of binary thinking—just two options. That’s how many of us think. It’s how I thought for decades in full-time vocational ministry. But when I came across a tool called the wheel of life, it changed the way I look at work-life balance. 

If the old picture of work-life balance is an old-fashioned scale with weights on each end, the wheel of life is more like a pizza, or a pie. Each slice represents an important aspect of work and life. This tool has been around for more than 60 years, and there are many different versions with slightly different slices. My favorite version includes these slices:  

• Body 
• Mind 
• Faith 
• Love 
• Family 
• Community 
• Money 
• Work 
• Hobbies 

Note that the Love slice works for both marrieds and singles. And Work (or ministry) is just one of nine slices. The other eight represent some non-work aspects of life! 

Here’s how you use the wheel of life: 

• Give yourself an honest rating on how well you are doing on each slice. Use a number scale from 1 to 5. 
• Notice the gaps between where you are and where you want to be. 
• Determine (in prayer and with input from others) what steps you need to take to become more balanced. 
• Pick two or three of the most important and get to work. 

Step Three: Choose Rest, Not Escape 

Rest is restorative. Rejuvenating. Recharging. Re-energizing. Refueling. It adds energy. 

Escape does none of those things. Instead, it offers a temporary disconnect from responsibilities and commitments. It doesn’t add energy, it just provides a momentary relief from the pressure. 

Most of us know and have experienced the difference between the two. An evening spent scrolling social media or binge-watching TV has a far different impact than an evening out with friends or a walk in the woods. 

The challenge is not knowing the difference between rest and escape; it’s having the energy in the moment to choose rest over escape. Sometimes we’re too tired to think of ways to rest! 

In contrast, escape is easy. It doesn’t require any advance planning or preparation. It’s something we can easily fall into, not realizing how much time we’ve spent until hours have gone by and we are no more restored than before we started. Rest takes planning and preparation. That takes energy. And the moment when we are most in need of rest is the time we have the least energy available for planning and preparation! 

One solution to this is to create a replenishment calendar: 

• Create a list of things that are restful and restorative. 
• Categorize the list by the amount of time required for each one. For example, I can prepare and drink a cup of hot tea in about 15 minutes. A hike in the local park will take two to four hours. Aim for a list of activities ranging from 15 minutes to overnight. 
• Determine how often you need each item. Once a day? Once a week? Once a month? Once a quarter? 
• Take advantage of small, unexpected breaks to choose a 15-minute rest item over escape. 
• Schedule and block out times for the larger rest and replenish items on your calendar. 

If you wait until it’s time to rest, you often won’t have the energy to choose rest over escape. When you create a replenishment calendar, you spend the energy in advance (before you need rest). That gives you a ready-made list of restful activities available for both small, unexpected time slots and planned longer times or renewal. 

Step Four: Project (and Protect) Your Calendar 

Many of the steps you created above, including time for rest, will require time on your calendar. Since ministry and family calendars are often very full, you’ll need not only to protect your calendar, but also to project your calendar. 

The process is simple. Look ahead and block your priorities as appointments on your calendar. This goes beyond the normal ministry and family items. When will you make time for taking care of your body? For hobbies? For your own personal spiritual growth? For larger commitments like a weekend away with your spouse or kids? For replenishment items? 

There’s one critical component here: you need to look at least as far ahead in your personal/family calendar as you do for your church or ministry calendar. My wife and I plan a rolling six months, blocking out our key personal and family times before accepting ministry or work engagements. If your church or ministry plans a full year in advance, you’ll want to be ahead of that schedule. Protect what’s most important when you’re creating the big picture, and you can avoid many of the conflicts that happen when planning a week or a month at a time. 

While the process is simple, the practice is not. I remember sitting in an online meeting with leaders when the presenter asked the question, “How many of you believe it’s important to keep your commitments?” All of the hands went up. “How many of you think that not keeping your commitments signals a lack of integrity?” Again, 100% of the hands went up. Then the final question, “How many of you routinely break commitments you’ve made to yourself?” There was an awkward pause, and a quick glance around the screen showed all of the hands raised. The rest of the discussion that day focused on the question: “Why do we routinely honor our commitments to others (particularly in ministry), but fail to honor commitments to ourselves?”  

I encourage you to reflect deeply on that question and engage whatever accountability you need to stay committed. 

Step Five: Think About Legacy, Not Just Life 

In 2015 I took a full-day retreat in the California mountains to work on my first life plan. Part of the exercise was imagining my own funeral and then writing down what I wanted the important people in my life to say in their eulogies. As I did this, I was deeply moved emotionally. I still had kids at home, still felt young, and was actively engaged in full-time ministry that I loved. It was hard—but powerful—to think about death, and the legacy I might leave behind. 

Ten years later my kids are flourishing. They love Jesus and his bride, the church. We have a beautiful granddaughter and another grandchild on the way. I’ve got a thriving business and am actively engaged as a volunteer in my church. Jan and I partner together to provide sabbatical care and coaching to ministry leaders. We love hiking, kayaking, and traveling the world. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s wonderful. Looking back, I can see how that life planning exercise shifted my focus from work-life balance for a particular week or season to the legacy I wanted to leave behind long-term. That perspective has been powerful. 

You don’t have to imagine your funeral. That’s hard, especially when you are young. You could imagine your birthday 10 years from now instead. The key is breaking free of the short-term and thinking about the long-term. 

As a teen-ager in the Boy Scouts, I learned that when you take a compass bearing, you pick out an object in the distance and walk towards it. Then you check your bearing again, find another distant object, and walk again. Ironically, constantly looking down at the compass and checking the bearing as you walk is more likely to lead you off-course. A more distant focus keeps your current trajectory on course. 

For Today and Eternity 

The quest for balance isn’t just for today. It’s for eternity. All too many leaders burn out or flame out. They don’t finish well. 

This February my long-time friend and mentor Alan Ahlgrim died. Alan baptized me into Christ in 1984; invited me into full-time vocational ministry in 1988; supported our church plant in California in 2003; and so much more. In the past few years, we connected every month to share life and work together on Covenant Connections. He was a part of my life for 41 years. Not just my life—the lives of many others.  

On a February afternoon, thousands gathered in the auditorium at Rocky Mountain Christian Church and online to celebrate his life and legacy, not just his ministry accomplishments (which were many), but his “relational wealth,” the impact on the lives of people he cared about most. Afterwards, a dozen of us gathered for dinner and shared the impact he had had on our lives and ministries. I realized that Alan’s individual attentiveness to me was replicated in the lives of hundreds or thousands.  

In the midst of grief, I left Colorado inspired. Not for better work-life balance for this week or this month, but for eternal impact. As I heard so often from Alan, “All too soon this life will pass, only what’s done for Christ will last.” In my own quest for balance, I’m setting my bearing on that distant goal. 

David Limiero is a minister, church planter, and founder of Edens View Coaching and Consulting, Kingsport Tennessee. 

Author: Christian Standard

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