29 March, 2024

When It Was Better Not to Fight

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by | 10 September, 2006 | 0 comments

By Name Withheld

I gazed out the window of the isolated cabin at the gray winter day. I turned back to look at my wife and our children, ages 4 and 1. We had come here to hide, afraid of what might happen to us back at home. I tried to analyze how we had arrived at this point of desperation.

As an associate minister at a large church, I had enjoyed several years of good leadership under the senior minister, whom I will refer to by the fictitious name Jim. He was respected in our fellowship for his innovative ideas and strong local church pastoring.

A few years into my ministry with that church, however, something began to unravel in his life and leadership. His sermons became less inspiring, even at times incoherent. In his leadership role he began to let go of the reins and coast. Communication with staff members became rare.

Church members also sensed that things were not right. Some began to leave, and our general fund offerings declined, resulting in a huge budget deficit. No staff members were let go, but we were left with inadequate funding for our ministries. The atmosphere among the leadership team was unenthusiastic, and motivating one”s self to come to the office every day became increasingly difficult.

The crisis dipped to its lowest point when Jim became convinced several associate ministers, including myself, were initiating a secret coup. He believed we were trying to oust him and take over the church. Ironically, we had been working hard to salvage his ministry in the eyes of the members, hoping he would recover and once again be a great leader.

Leaders can run into trouble for many reasons; with Jim, it was a classic case of burnout. Burnout can happen to anyone in ministry””it”s not shameful. I believe if he could have admitted this, he would have experienced healing. Instead, he fought it to the end.


Unresolved Conflict

With no one at the “point guard” position, key lay leaders and members of the staff had little interaction. All of our energy was spent either avoiding personal attacks or managing Jim”s emotional illness. Unresolved conflict, week after week, month after month, wore away our resolve.

In the course of these church problems, I experienced things I could not have imagined when, as a young man, I decided to enter the ministry. Staff members would receive hang-up calls at home, or threatening calls from Jim at unusual hours of the morning or night, accusing us of some fabricated charge. Detailed, venomous letters from him were regularly deposited in my box. False accusations were made to lay leaders in the church, or to church members on whom he was making “shepherding” calls.

After my name was mentioned to people in the church and around town, I began to receive threatening letters. People with whom I had enjoyed a good relationship in the church avoided me.

I would drive into the church parking lot in the morning and check every car to anticipate the conflict du jour.

About 18 months into this challenging journey, my wife and I felt threatened to the extent we decided we”d better get out town for a few days; the possibility of physical harm was real. That”s how I ended up staring out the window of a cabin, contemplating our fate. After a few days we returned, but the conflict continued for many months.


Struggling to Cope

I endured this state of severe emotional strain for nearly two years. I slipped toward depression. I was afraid to answer the phone, afraid to go to the office, and even afraid to go out in public. I couldn”t wait to go to bed at night, because it was my only opportunity for relief from the heavy weight on my shoulders all day, every day.

Eventually, Jim resigned and left town. He also left behind many confused, hurting people.

My motive for telling this story is not sympathy or catharsis. These events occurred many years ago, and I have resolved those feelings. The crucial question was not how such a thing could happen to me. The real test was, “How will I react to this?”

I don”t want to paint myself as unduly righteous. I made many mistakes in the course of this confusing series of events. At times my words were unkind. My horrible attitude often lasted weeks. I deserve no awards for my handling of the situation. But there were some actions and attitudes that proved to be beneficial as we attempted to manage the crisis.

Early in these difficulties, I had to make a decision. On the one hand, I could rise to the fight and defend my name. But I quickly realized this was chasing after the wind. I felt as if my name had been slandered all over town””I could never find every person who”d heard something bad about me and plead my case.


Strategies for Survival

So I decided on Plan B: say nothing. I would remain silent and hope people would recall my life and prior reputation, and in doing so question the accusations instead of my character. This seemed preferable to dividing the church.

Was it easy? No””it was the hardest conviction I”ve ever tried to live out. Was I successful in every situation at saying nothing? No. But I did land on some strategies that helped me hold my tongue.

Finding a friend””Isolation and loneliness were the hardest part of this ordeal. Some of my closest friends were other members of the staff, but because of the accusation that we were conspiring to get rid of the senior minister, we limited our conversations.

I found great release in being able to “unload” with a trusted mentor of mine, an older man who lived in another city. He knew me well and offered honest answers, helping me see when to be hard on myself and when not to be. No, it wasn”t completely fulfilling to talk to him, since he couldn”t experience firsthand what was happening. But it was a great relief to be able to talk to someone.

I wanted to reach out to others who were closest to me, but I discovered they were not able to look at the situation objectively. For example, I discussed it with my wife, but only on a limited basis. Of course she felt angry with anyone who hurt her husband, and I did not feel she should feel the entire weight of this burden.

Remembering my Bible””On the hardest days, when it was nearly impossible to respond in love, I fell back on truth. Unexpectedly, I remembered my conviction about biblical authority. I reminded myself that God had placed Jim in the senior ministry position of our church, and in authority over me as an associate minister. The Scriptures” repeated encouragement to submit to those in authority helped me feel that, in my silence, I was standing on a firm foundation.

The Bible also helped me in another way. As I viewed my daily readings through my personal pain, I experienced fresh encounters with the multitude of Bible characters who suffered in spite of their faithfulness. I found courage in their quiet responses.

Holding on to an ideal””The best future scenario I could envision was Jim being restored to his glory days of ministry. In every conversation I was forced to have about him, every time I was tempted to throw in the towel and leave, I came back to that vision. I had to keep believing the time would come when, once again, he would be a successful church leader.

Remembering the spiritual warfare””In my daily prayers, I envisioned a cloud of ugly demons hovering over our church, ready to tempt us with bitterness, discouragement, and hatred. This allowed me to detest the work of the devil and not the individuals around me.

Seeking professional counsel””I”m positive and optimistic, but for the first time in my life, I experienced depression. I decided, during the darkest part of this nightmare, to visit a professional counselor. This is probably one of the hardest things a minister can agree to do, but once I took the plunge, I was grateful for the ministry of a counseling professional.

The counselor insisted that my wife participate as well. He offered helpful advice and encouragement at a time when I was not able to see through the fog.

An unexpected blessing of my experience as a counselee is that, now, whenever I privately speak with male members of the church who are hesitant to make a counseling appointment, I can tell them, “It”s OK””I”ve been there, too.”

Preparing for future ministry””God used this hardship to strengthen me for the next steps in my ministry life. I can testify to this only in hindsight. But I mention it to encourage those who find themselves in a painful situation. That passage in James about joy and trials and developing perseverance? It”s true. When I was in the middle of my struggle, I just had to grab hold and hang on. I had no idea why God was allowing it to happen.

A mentor of mine used to say, “God never used a man that he did not first hurt deeply.” Later, after I had moved to minister with a church in another state, I finally knew what that meant.

Finding God””There was almost no one in the church I could turn to, even my closest friends. As a result, I became better friends with God. My aloneness drove me to his arms for comfort and strength. I”d never really been forced to practice the spiritual disciplines to a place where I faced God alone. My faith was challenged.

Most of the time I think I”m “spiritual” because I have all my props holding me up: my Christian friends, my position at a “successful” church, a great family, and a nice home with plenty of amenities. But then something like this emotionally taxing season comes along, and I”m forced to deal with my lack of spirituality. I learned truths I would never have understood just cruising along every day in the average life. Hebrews 12:10, 11 were good verses for me, regularly reminding me that God disciplines those he loves.

Examining myself””My integrity was questioned, as was my work ethic. I was frequently accused of not telling the truth. These charges were painful, but they challenged my usual practice of sliding by without looking too closely at my motives in ministry. That kind of self-examination was good for me. I learned from it.

Seeking the kingdom””The only thing that kept me going on the most difficult days was a conviction that our church had the potential to do something that mattered for the kingdom of God. I wanted to stick with it and see it come to fruition. I recognized I did not possess the talent or ability to get us on track again; any fix would have to be God”s work.

A New Beginning

One important postscript should offer hope for those who feel there”s a relationship in their past that could never be healed. Several years after Jim left town, we finally spoke again. He walked up to me during a convention and gave me a big hug. Since then, we”ve had several talks, and I believe the healing has begun.

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