Derek Lauer on Ministry, Stress, and Pastoral Support
In this interview, Derek Lauer reflects on the challenges of pastoral ministry after 30 years of service. He discusses leadership, stress, burnout, loneliness, vulnerability, and the crucial role elders play in supporting a minister.
- Pastoral ministry requires leading people through change, even when they resist it.
- Lauer distinguishes between being burned out and being stressed out or โput out.โ
- Healthy ministry depends on boundaries, trusted relationships, and strong elder support.
By Brad Dupray
Pastoral ministry is sometimes daunting, sometimes exhilarating, but nearly always challenging. In his 30 years of ministry, Derek Lauer has seen the peaks and valleys and learned how to meet the challenges along the way. Derek served in youth ministries in California and Arizona, and has been a senior pastor for the past 17 years, first in Arizona, and now at Northeast Christian Church in Rockford, Illinois. He holds an undergraduate degree from Ozark Christian College, Joplin, Missouri, and a masterโs from Cincinnati (Ohio) Christian Seminary.
The Weight of Leading People
Whatโs the hardest thing about being in the ministry?
<laughs> Floyd Strater and I used to laugh with each other and say ministry would be great if it wasnโt for all the people! As a leader youโre called to take people from point A to point B, and they donโt always want to go. Itโs interesting that Israel means โstruggle,โ andโtrue to its nameโthe nation struggled with following the leaders God put before the Israelites. And more, they struggled with God! There was a whole generation marching around the wilderness dying one after another because they didnโt want to follow their leader. The hardest thing is working with people and leading them to a place they donโt necessarily want to go.
Was ministry what you expected it to be when you were a young, wide-eyed idealist?
No. Especially when you think of it from the standpoint of leading people. I thought ministry would be a place where people would be eager to follow and willing to go. Obviously thatโs not the case.
Was your idealism misdirected?
Coming out of college and seminary it was really easy to have lines drawn, huge lines drawn. You know how things are supposed to beโwhatโs right, whatโs wrong. Then you get into the mix with people and you find out they have been ravaged by the world, kicked, beaten, and hit. Today Iโm just as black and white as I was then, but Iโve learned a lot of people are just โraw.โ
How do you deal with those hurts?
Iโm drawn all the time to Jesus, who saw people with compassion. He saw them as harassed and helplessโas sheep without a shepherd. Thereโs a point where idealism meets reality. Hereโs this woman caught in adultery, thrown at Jesusโ feet, and Jesus had a right to stone her. But he embraced her. He took care of her. He protected her. Black and white truth meets compassion. He didnโt back off from the truth, but he also loved her.
Why do you think itโs so hard for people to follow?
โThe thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullโ (John 10:10). Iโve often said Satan is wily; heโs looking for a way to worm in, and he does. Heโs constantly whispering in our ears that there is a better way. Even though we know Godโs ways are going to bring life, we think we have life figured out. Every Christian would believe Jesusโ way is the right way, but sometimes he gets in the middle of my thinking of what I want to do or what I think is best.
Why does someone decide to go into ministry?
Hopefully, youโve been called. One of my mentors, a very wise man, told me very early on in ministry, โIf there is anything you can do besides ministry, do it.โ His point wasโministry is not for the faint of heart. If youโre looking to be loved, to have no problems, youโre setting yourself up for disappointment. A quick overview of the Bible shows that the vast majority of the leaders described there experienced something quite different from that.
Is there a way to validate that call?
For several years I felt God tugging at my heart, and a lot of people I respected encouraged me not just to consider it, but accept it. So itโs the call of God and encouragement from godly leaders.
Stress, Burnout, and Healthy Boundaries
Have you ever felt burned out?
The idea of burnout is interesting. Several years ago there were some people in my life telling me I was burned out. Because of that I was encouraged (you could translate that as forced) to enter into counseling plus attend a couple of 10-day retreat sessions in Colorado and California to deal with burnout in my life. I think the interesting conclusion of all the experts I talked to (and there were six of them) was I was not burned out.
Something must have been happening. What did they conclude?
The evaluation from all of these people was more that I was โput out.โ As I thought about it, there have been several times in my 30-year ministry experience that I have felt โput out.โ I have been put out by particular situations I was being forced to deal with, put out by a lack of support of leadership, put out by feeling all alone in the battle. There have been times when Iโve been put out, stressed outโbut not burned out.
Were you ever tempted to quit?
Whatโs the old joke in ministry? You write your resignation letter every Monday morning! There have been only a few times in the last 30 years that Iโve come to that point.
How would you describe someone who is burned out?
Someone who is burned out feels helpless and hopeless. There is complete disengagement; there is a loss of motivation that can lead to depression. Everyone who was checking me out was telling me I was as far from those things as I could find myself. I was stressed outโa person who was over-engaged, a person with a number of things on his plate that can lead to hyperactivity, which can lead to stress, which can be overwhelming and cause you to lose energy.
Did you recognize it at the time?
I was definitely hurting. I had been involved in a long, arduous ministry. I had been through one set of difficult circumstances after another. Plus my wife was diagnosed with a serious illness. On top of that, my mom unexpectedly died. I was definitely hurting. I was stressed out. But more, I was put out.
Did those around you step in to help?
Actually, my stress was being encouraged by the very people who felt like they were helping me. Itโs just incredibly difficult to be in a situation where you feel like youโre being totally misread. At the same time, youโre in no position to do anything about it. Youโre put in a position and forced to submit and obey. So when these men came to me asking meโactually demandingโto do those things (counseling, retreats), I did what they asked me to do, even though I disagreed with their opinions. It just added to my stress level.
Did any good come of what they were asking you to do?
The good news is while I was talking to all these professionals, I was learning better ways to handle being stressed out and put out.
What were the โbetter ways?โ
The first one is youโve got to know yourself. Youโve got to set healthy boundaries; you have to know what your gifts, strengths, and weaknesses are. Second, you need to know the triggering symptoms of stress. In my life, stress reveals itself in anger, frustration, being irritable, and feeling like Iโm in a no-win situation. When I feel like that, I know Iโm stressed. A better way to handle stress is to make sure you have time away. For me, that means getting away for several weeks at a time, not just three or seven days at a time. The interesting thing is that when the ministry is pounding in around you, the natural thing is to avoid time off, to throw yourself in and dig in. Thatโs not healthy.
How do you keep from just finding more things to do?
You have to war against taking on too much. Sometimes, just because youโre the pastor, stuff gets put on your plate. The problem is, you have only so many hours in the week. If you are responsible for a weekly sermon, and youโre working on it at one in the morning, youโre spending too many hours in the day working on stuff that shouldnโt be on your plate. You need to either pass the stuff away or let it hit the floor.
Loneliness and Vulnerability in Ministry
Is ministry a lonely place?
It can be an extremely lonely place. I have a ministry friend who was out late making a call and his car broke down. He glided into a gas station that was closed and pulled out his Day-Timer with his contact info. He was walking over to a telephone booth (that tells you it was awhile ago) and he started flipping through his contacts to see whom he was going to call. He had relationships with all these people; they were people he had helped, but one by one he was passing by their names with an excuse about why he couldnโt call any of themโitโs too late, heโs too busy, I donโt want to bother them. As he flipped through the names he started crying, and then weeping. He locked up his car and walked five miles home.
Thatโs a very sad commentary.
I got an e-mail yesterday from a friend who told me one of our college classmates committed suicide. The e-mail said that nobody knew he was hurting. He preached the week before; three days later he was gone. So he put on a stiff upper lip and smiled at the appropriate times and killed himself. Is ministry a lonely place? Yes. But I donโt think it has to be that way.
How do you keep it from being lonely?
The first thing you must do is make a determination to be vulnerable. That can be dangerous. Over the years Iโve had supposed friends who said they cared about me but were really using me to get information, and then they hit me with it. I think most everybody lives in fear of that.
Are you talking specifically about people in ministry?
Everybody in general. What would people think of me if they knew what I was really doing, or thinking about, or struggling with? The reality is, you donโt want to hand somebody a club to beat you with. โHereโs a rock, please smack me with it!โ That seems pretty absurd to me! So, itโs got to begin with vulnerability. Understanding that is dangerous. But if weโre going to be healthy, there need to be other people in our lives that weโre talking to.
Where does a minister go for real friendship and support?
I live in a community, and a big part of that community is my church. My life is here, in this place, in this church. There needs to be a door someplace for me to have a relationship with people Iโm in ministry with. Whether they are leaders, elders, or members of the congregation, I need to be careful, but if Iโm going to survive I must have that. Iโm really blessed because I have some friends around the country I talk to regularly about what Iโm thinking and struggling with. In my present ministry situation (Iโve been here for 30 months), Iโm building new relationships to open up about my pains, fears, struggles, and heartaches. I also have a โPIT crewโ (pastoral intercessory team). This is a group of three guys whom I meet with monthly. They love me, look me in the eyes, and ask me how Iโm doing. Theyโre constantly praying for me and encouraging me.
Itโs hard work to be vulnerable and open to others, isnโt it?
I donโt think itโs natural for us to talk about how weโre feeling. Whatโs natural is for us to shove it down, bottle it up, and put a cap on it. And if youโve been burned in the past, that tendency really takes over. The question isโis there anybody out there I can trust? I believe we have to war against our natural tendencies, and thatโs why I believe health in ministry comes through open loving, trusting, vulnerable, accountable relationships.
How Elders Can Support a Pastor
What can elders to do make life easier for the minister?
I learned a long time ago that the relationship between an eldership and the pastor is centrally and critically important. If the elders and pastor are on board and together, then everything is going to be OK. If not, then everything is going to be bad.
So how do they make it good?
The first thing they can do is be in agreement. If theyโre not in agreement, then itโs all downhill from there. Itโs all ugly. The elders need to support the pastor for the mission, vision, and direction of the church. They need to protect him from others and from himself. They need to provide the necessary tools and resources to get the job done. They need to be open and honest at all times. All times.
What about personal relationships between the pastor and the elders?
I think they need to include him in their lives and in their circles. There are a number of elders Iโve worked with over the past 20 years where that hasnโt been true. Iโve never been in their homes, never been out with them for a meal, never been included in their circle. It was like I was an outsider, that I didnโt belong, and it was communicated at every level. Elders need to love and be concerned for the pastor. He needs a pastor, too.
What do elders do to make life miserable for the minister?
Itโs just the opposite: Donโt be on the same page, work behind his back, blame him, tie his hands, donโt protect him. Over the years Iโve used the analogyโmostly when Iโve felt really put outโIโve felt like I was out on a limb. In ministry weโre out there all the time. We have to take a stand when thereโs something to confront, we have to say โno,โ preach a message you know is going to be unpopular. When you go out on these limbs, you know there are people who want to do damage. They shinny up the tree with a saw in their hands. What Iโve needed is the elders to circle underneath me with the rescue net and catch me when Iโm coming down. Itโs disheartening when you turn around and itโs the elders on the tree with the saw cutting on the limb.
Ouch. Where do you go then?
That can be crushing. How many pastors are leaving ministry? For me, thatโs when Iโm ready to quit.
Finding Solace in Godโs Presence
Where do you find solace?
Jesus said in John 16:33, โIn this world you will have trouble.โ Or how about Matthew 10:22, โAll men will hate you because of me.โ <laughs> If youโre being shot at, youโre in good company. On the serious side, there are a few passages that bolster me. In Matthew 28:20, Jesus said he would be with us to the end of the age. I love the passage in Joshua 1. Joshua is taking over for Mosesโwho wouldnโt be afraid of that? In verse 5 God says, โAs I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.โ
One of the great encouraging passages for me is 1 Kings 19. The prophets of Baal had been put to death, the rain had fallen, Elijahโs running for his life from Jezebel, and God told him, โYou are not alone, there are 7,000 men in Israel who have not bowed the knee to Baal.โ
In Hebrews 4 weโre told that Jesus is our great high priest and he understands all of our struggles because heโs been through them and can sympathize with them. God has not only surrounded me with a high priest who has been there and done that, but he has surrounded me with people who are of like mind and like heart and I need to open my mind and heart that Godโs promise is real. Because of that, I canโt let the past dictate the future. I canโt allow bad experiences or a compromised promise or a slap across the nose to form my opinion about tomorrow. God is true, he is right, he is good, and he will, in his grace, lead me forward.
Brad Dupray is senior vice president, ministry development, with Church Development Fund, Irvine, California.
