Why Can’t We Be Friends?

By David Wright

“You’ve got a friend in me.”  So, begins one of Randy Newman’s most charming and endearing tunes. Even without the rest of the lyrics, the message is simple: friendship outlasts hardship, and companionship makes every journey lighter. If you’ve ever served in church leadership, you know the road can get bumpy—and a good friend makes a world of difference.   

That said, why do too many church elders find it easier to work together than to walk together? Why do we often talk about being a “team” but too rarely feel like a band of brothers? The truth is, while every elder group knows how to schedule meetings and follow agendas, not all know the joy of genuine friendship. 

Biblical, Not Optional   

From the beginning, God has shown that life is meant to be shared. Adam had Eve, Moses had Aaron, David had Jonathan, Paul had Barnabas, and even Jesus—Lord of all creation—had 12 friends with whom he walked. True friendship is more than sentimental; it’s transformational. Solomon reminds us, “Two are better than one,” because ”if one of them falls, the other can help him up” (Prov. 4:9-10, New International Version).  

When elders become friends, the church gains more than cordial leadership gatherings. It gains stability, warmth, and authenticity. Imagine elders who pray for and with each other, laugh with each other, and forgive each other. Imagine a leadership team that knows how to celebrate victories as well as shoulder each other’s burdens. That’s what it looks like when Christ builds his church on a foundation bolstered with brotherly love. 

Real Barriers, But Not Insurmountable  

Friendship among elders doesn’t happen automatically. There are challenges along the way. Pride can sneak in and whisper of insecurity, as personal and church schedules collide. Add a few theological or philosophical differences, a tough congregational meeting, and one awkward text thread, or social media posting, and the warmth fades and the elder meeting table feels colder than the next morning’s pizza.  

These are temporary barriers. They only stand if we let them. Friendships grow when leaders intentionally choose to drop their guards, share their hearts, and practice humility. Sometimes it means admitting, “I was wrong.” Other times it means laughing at oneself when you forget which chapter of Acts you were teaching from or that there is no Second Colossians! (I’ll own this one). Brotherhood flourishes in the soil of grace.   

A Band of Brothers, Not a Board of Directors   

What if every elder group viewed itself less like a committee or even a board of directors and more like a platoon—a band of brothers standing shoulder to shoulder in spiritual battle? A brother has your back when critics rise. A brother prays for your family when life hits hard. A brother sits beside you at a hospital bed or stands beside you when discouragement engulfs you.   

When elders are friends, ministry becomes lighter, even a joy. Trust replaces tension. Meetings start with laughter instead of sighs. Decisions come easier because hearts are aligned. And most importantly, the congregation sees what love looks like in action. A church whose leaders love one another soon becomes a church whose people do the same.   

How to Build the Bond   

Friendship doesn’t require a retreat in the woods (though nothing is wrong with that). It starts small—sharing meals, laughing with one another, praying about real struggles instead of guarded requests.  

The agenda is important, but pray together beyond the set agenda. Nothing knits hearts faster than bending knees together. Get away together from the conference room. Consider having some meetings in one another’s homes. Attend a meaningful conference as a team, then reflect on what you learned. Have some fun, go fishing, grab coffee, help someone move, and simply check in with one another as friends do. Share weaknesses as well as strengths. Vulnerability deepens trust. Forgive quickly and often. Ministry is messy, but grace is glue. 

The goal is faithful friendship, not perfect friendship. In the end, brothers who stay committed even when it’s awkward or inconvenient show the world the heart of Christ himself. Perhaps above all, “Submit to one another out of reference for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). 

The Fruit of Friendship   

When elders lead in unity and affection, the church will likely increase in its spiritual health. And we know that healthy things grow! Disagreements still happen, but they no longer divide. Sometimes even honest and humble differences among friends can bring positive results. Conversation flows with gentleness. The congregation begins to sense—not just hear—that love is the ruling spirit of leadership.   

Jesus told His disciples, “By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35). Friendship between elders is not a side benefit of ministry; it’s central to the witness of the church.  

So, let’s drop the guarded professionalism. Let’s put aside the concern that elders can’t be friends and hold on to something better: a mutual calling to be friends, brothers, soldiers, and shepherds, together on mission. The body of Christ doesn’t just need more meetings—it needs more brothers who can look at each other and honestly say, “You’ve got a friend in me.”