SimulServe Christian Church
SimulServe Christian Church

By After Class Podcast

Life is short. Who has time to work, sleep, exercise, entertain oneself, and go to church? Here at Simulserve Christian Church, we feel your pain. Come join us and experience transformative worship in the company of fellow believers each week without neglecting everyday tasks that simply must get done.

Our state-of-the-art, multilevel worship silo is designed to serve busy people like you. Speedy elevators and moving walkways that surround the perimeter of our innovative 360-degree silo provide quick and ready access to a wide variety of personalized Simulsuites. Inside each one, you will enjoy front-row visibility of the centralized revolving worship platform plus the ability to check at least one major item off your to-do list.

Need to burn some calories? Head to level 4 where treadmills, fan bikes, and elliptical machines line the balcony and provide optimal viewing of center stage. Need to decompress? Head to level 6’s Simulspa, where you can enjoy a healing touch massage or a timely mani-pedi before your big trip. Looking to make a buck? Place your bets on lucky level 7. Wager on how many times the preacher will touch his heart or tear up for dramatic effect. Or simply bet the over/under on his sermon lasting 30 minutes.

We realize not everyone is looking to be so productive. So level 5 is lined with rocking chairs and front-porch swings—perfect for knitting, reading the latest Karen Kingsbury novel, or just basking in the Lord’s presence. It’s a Simulsenior favorite.

Those looking to kick the habit—or indulge in it—are encouraged to frequent our vaping lounge on level 8. Since we are providentially located in Colorado, other forms of recreational smoking are also allowed. More socially conservative couples may enjoy the privacy of level 9, where wives can ask their husbands questions about the sermon right there at church. Level 10 is a bit more progressive. There, husbands are free to ask their wives what the preacher just said.

Of course, today’s youth need transformative worship, too! So drop them off at level 2. Toddlers can take in the inspiring music and powerful preaching while exploring our bouncing Bethlehem ball pit. Older children can amuse themselves in the Noah’s Ark petting zoo. Got troubled teens? Watch them spring into worship on our ginormous jump zone trampolines on level 3. Or they can just zone out all together in our all-encompassing social media VR room. We know that 45 minutes can seem like forever to young ones, so we offer gluten-free, nut-free, cage-free snacks to tide them over.

As you can imagine, not everything is free here at Simulserve. While we take traditional offerings of cash and Bitcoin, we try to make giving simple, convenient, and fun. Simply link your Simulserve card to the bank of your choice, swipe it at the entrance to your favorite suite, and we’ll take care of your tax-deductible contributions. Or better yet, set up a Simulmatic monthly giving plan so that your generosity is automatically transferred from your account. Never give it another thought! Simulsaints all agree, it’s worth it!

The After Class Podcast guys are Bible and theology professors at Great Lakes Christian College; from left to right in the logo, they are Samuel C. Long, Ronald D. Peters, and John C. Nugent. They strive to engage provocative contemporary topics with wit and careful biblical scholarship.

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