June 15, 2023
"Nobody seems more mistake-prone than the average missionary (with the possible exception of presidents, congressmen, mothers and fathers of teenagers, umpires, and tax assessors)," Ward Patterson, tongue firmly in cheek, wrote in 1963. "That the missionary should so excel in error-ability is a phenomenon worthy of the interest of all of us . . ."
July 22, 2019
From After Class Podcast Do you struggle to apply the Bible to your life? Does the Bible sometimes feel old and outdated? This new resource might be just what you need to jump-start your faith. Sonbeam Publishing is proud to bring you Eisegesis for Everyone. This empowering book employs the familiar technique of eisegesis so you can read your own brilliant insights into the Bible. Free from the shackles of original context, anyone can see any passage talking about—well—anything. No Bible training, no cultural background, and no historical awareness required. Now you can find your ideas all over the pages
June 22, 2019
From After Class Podcast Renovations to First Messianic Church’s building are underway. It was only a matter of time until the faithful followers at FMC took the Restoration plea to a whole new level by seeking to restore the ancient order of the Old Testament, as well. Since Jesus wouldn’t leave out a jot or tittle, neither would they. It began one Saturday afternoon while these retro-Israelites were studying 1 Samuel 25 in their KJV-Hebrew Interlinear Bibles. As the story goes, future King David fumed after being snubbed by Nabal. David vowed to avenge himself against every member of Nabal’s
May 19, 2019
From After Class Podcast As Christian parents, weâ™re always looking for family-friendly vacation destinations. Since our young toddler had been to Disney five times already, it was time to mix things up a bit. So imagine our delight when just two hours north of Orlando, in the beautiful city of Paradise, opened the ultimate Christian theme park, The Greatest Story Ever Strolled. Immediately upon entering the majestic pearly gates, we were transported into the exotic world of Scripture. Characters decked out in authentic robes and sashes strolled along sandstone walkways while camel-led carts leisurely transported guests down lanes lined with
April 25, 2019
From After Class Podcast A kerfuffle at First Church of Christ these last few months shows no signs of abating. During a study on Communion in the early church, the congregation learned that first-century Christians took Communion as part of a community meal at their regular gatherings. First Church, which is committed to restoring the New Testament pattern of worship, now has a potluck each Sunday after church. At about the midpoint of the meal, participants pause to remember the body and blood of Christ by sharing broken bread and the fruit of the vine. Though it has been well
April 22, 2019
From After Class Podcast It began as an ordinary Sunday for lead evangelist âDunkerâ Dave, but no one anticipated how it might end. âWe were only joking,â explained James Murray, chairman of the elders. âI guess some people canâ™t stomach a good ribbing. We all feel terrible now.â The first service went off without a hitch; the second, not so muchâan April Foolsâ™ joke gone awry. âThe boy performed splendidly,â explained deacon Joey Gatton, âperhaps too splendidly!â Dunker Dave beamed with pride when Murrayâ™s son came forward to be baptized. The two of them went back to the dressing room
February 23, 2019
From After Class Podcast Sponsor: Welcome, everyone, to this week’s meeting of Greekaholics Anonymous. The purpose of this support group is to help those of us who are helplessly addicted to using biblical languages in our sermons—even though we really don’t know what we are saying and most listeners have no idea what we’re talking about. Let’s begin with our GA preamble. Everyone: Preachers who don’t know Greek shouldn’t use Greek in their sermons. Sponsor: Would someone like to be the first to share with the group? Pastor Strong: Hello, my name is Jim and I’m a Greekaholic. Everyone: Hello,
January 29, 2019
By After Class Podcast Life is short. Who has time to work, sleep, exercise, entertain oneself, and go to church? Here at Simulserve Christian Church, we feel your pain. Come join us and experience transformative worship in the company of fellow believers each week without neglecting everyday tasks that simply must get done. Our state-of-the-art, multilevel worship silo is designed to serve busy people like you. Speedy elevators and moving walkways that surround the perimeter of our innovative 360-degree silo provide quick and ready access to a wide variety of personalized Simulsuites. Inside each one, you will enjoy front-row visibility of
January 3, 2019
From After Class Podcast Despite record holiday sales, a titan of Christian merchandising is entering the new year in the red. Rumors of layoffs and closures at Living Path Christian Stores are growing. While sales on phone cases with crosses, waffle makers that burn the face of Jesus on batter, and “Save Your Breath” mints are up, executives fear their biggest moneymaker—the niche study Bible—has reached its saturation point. Living Path executive Jordan Gecko shared his vision: “Our goal has always been to put a targeted Bible into the hands of every seeker. So we try to follow cultural trends
November 17, 2018
By Caleb Kaltenbach WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump broke the presidential tradition of pardoning the White House Thanksgiving turkey. After a speech about why people should be thankful for him, the president was jovial until he saw Fat Gobble. He immediately scowled, pointed to the turkey, and said, “Fat Gobble, you’re fired.” The first lady, among others—including the children of some White House staffers—watched in horror as chefs appeared out of nowhere, seized the turkey by the neck, and hauled it to the kitchen. With feathers still flying, the first lady was overheard reassuring the president’s youngest son, Barron, that Fat
September 22, 2018
Christian Standard editor Michael C. Mack was confined to bed rest after taking ill while reading Caleb Kaltenbach’s Christmas article that extrapolates Christian principles from the holiday classic movie, A Christmas Story. “I don’t know what happened,” Mack said, blinking his eyes rapidly but unable to focus on anything. “I think Caleb may have somehow shot my eyes out . . . figuratively, of course.” “The article is actually quite mesmerizing,” said Mack. “I had read through it once and was starting a second pass when a strange feeling came over me. I tried to stand to get a coffee
September 15, 2018
LEBANON, KAN.—Compass, a Christian church in Lebanon, Kansas, has changed its name to The Second Independent Christian Church of Lebanon. (“First Christian Church” was already being used.) The name change came after lengthy consideration by a “new” group of elders who rotated back onto the board after 15 years. “The novelty just wore off,” explained elder Gerald Girrard. “And anyway, many of our members got tired of trying to explain the name to our non-Christian friends.” “I was wearing my Compass T-shirt one day in Walmart,” said Girrard, “and a guy I’d never met before asked me where the Compass
September 1, 2018
By Caleb Kaltenbach ANDERSON, NE—Staff of the Fleetwood Christian Church are still picking up the pieces after a riot on Sunday. “That wasn’t our desired outcome,” said executive pastor Mike Millenhouse as he scratched his head in bewilderment. “It really boiled down to an economic analysis. I mean, no one really puts a dollar in the jar anymore.” Millenhouse was speaking of the church’s decision to discontinue offering coffee and doughnuts on Sunday mornings. The FCC staff was expecting some pushback from the congregation, but the intensity of the reaction caught them by surprise. “People began screaming when they found
August 11, 2018
By Caleb Kaltenbach SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to increase effectiveness of lead pastors who have grown too comfortable, a search firm has been created for the purpose of scaring them into working harder. “Basically, when an elder board hires us, we make it look like they’re considering candidates to replace the lead pastor,” said Ben Campbell, president of The Faux Search Group. “The anxiety and stress naturally scares their lead pastor into giving more effort and working longer hours.” “I guess I’m candidating for the job I have,” said pastor Chris Hayden of First Christian Church in Silmore, Kentucky. “One
By Caleb Kaltenbach LAWSON, OK—“It worked,” said Gene Moody, pastor of Diamond River Christian Church. “The approach took a little refining, but we got there.” After two weeks of preaching on generosity, the weekly offerings of Diamond River Christian Church still hadn’t changed. Members seemed unwilling to increase their giving. “I had enough,” Moody said. “So, last Sunday, I announced that unless they started giving more to the church, I would begin a verse-by-verse dramatic interpretation of Leviticus!” Several church members gasped when Moody announced this. “My husband and I were frantic,” reported Beth Gilmore, longtime member of Diamond River.
July 15, 2018
By Caleb Kaltenbach KANSAS CITY, MO—Easter experiences are still being reported to various Christian magazines and outlets and a common theme is emerging: Some pastors pledged an Easter service like no other, but it turns out these were empty promises. Stan Hanson, pastor of the newly planted Crossways Christian Church, told his congregation: “Don’t miss Easter! Arrive early, bring a friend, and get ready for an experience unlike any other.” Crossways member Tom Harlow offered this critique of the service: “Let’s see. They had a creative opener, more lights, good singing, and a sermon on the resurrection. Pastor Stan also
July 7, 2018
By Caleb Kaltenbach BURLINGTON, OK—Chad Beachwix’s decision to show Black Panther last Sunday morning isn’t sitting well with leadership at Sixth Christian Church. “The movie has a powerful message and I thought it would really challenge our church,” Beachwix said. “I interjected the sermon at certain points during the movie.” Longtime elder Bob Norbit disagreed. “No, he did not interject himself,” Norbit said. “Every 30 minutes he paused the movie, talked for a minute, pushed play, and ate popcorn in the first row.” Moving forward, Norbit said, eldership will prescreen all of Beachwix’s selections for his “At the Movies” sermon series.
June 23, 2018
By Caleb Kaltenbach LOUISVILLE, KY—The leadership of The Gospel Coalition asked Calvinists and Arminians to dress differently—distinctively—for their recent conference. “We honestly thought it [a dress code] would be an easier way to label each other,” a coalition executive committee member said. “You know, it takes a lot of work to decipher someone’s theology so you can decide if you want to be their friend or not.” The Arminians in attendance agreed with the decision. “It’s made this year’s conference run more smoothly,” Al Wesley said. “This year, when I’ve gotten in theological debates with Calvinists, I just look for
By Caleb Kaltenbach INDIANAPOLIS—Church leaders around the world were shocked to learn that Alexander Campbell will be speaking at the yearly convention. 2018 North American Christian Convention President Drew Sherman reportedly hired a Transylvanian scientist—a mad one, no doubt—to fly in and reanimate Campbell, the leading thinker of the early Restoration Movement and longtime editor of the Millennial Harbinger. The process took longer than initially thought, due to good weather. Eventually, however, a thunderstorm passed through the area and made the impossible possible. “We just want to empower leaders and give them an NACC they’ll never forget,” Sherman said. “It’s
By Caleb Kaltenbach ASHLAND, MN—Back in January, the family ministry team of First Christian Church gathered to discuss possible VBS themes before finally settling on The Hunger Games. “It seemed like a good idea,” said student pastor Francis Jenson. “I like the Hunger Games movies, and kids play a significant role in the films. It seemed perfect.” That first night, parents dropped off their kids in the church’s sanctuary. Many parents left immediately, but some paused as the lights dimmed and a sense of foreboding took over. “They had fake trees all over the room,” reported Andrea Lansberry, mother of
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