Leading When You Become the Target

To lead is to be criticized. That’s not news to you. As a leader, you know that criticism is inevitable; but you also know that not all criticism is created equal.

Some critics are clumsy in their attacks. They’re like the Stormtroopers in Star Wars, always firing but rarely hitting the target.

When I was a young preacher, there was a man who criticized nearly everything I said or did. When he told me, “A lot of people think you need a haircut,” I just smiled. I knew “a lot of people” really meant just a few. Besides, my receding hairline eventually did the job for him!

But other critics are more like the Benjamites’ special forces, “each of whom could sling a stone at a hair and not miss” (Judges 20:16, New International Version). They are sharpshooters who always seem to hit their target. What do you do when that target is you?

When Division Becomes Personal

In our divided age, leaders can become symbols. Some people look past the decisions you make and start reacting to what they think you represent.

Disagreement becomes distrust. Frustration becomes accusation. And before long, you’re no longer just leading through division. You’ve become its target.

I shared my “you-need-a-haircut” story, which I easily laughed off. But I could share other stories that cut me to the heart . . . like the letter that was circulated about me. This letter wasn’t about matters of style or opinion. It was a hit piece, a full-throated character assassination. Our church was undergoing major changes and, in the eyes of some, I came to represent everything they believed they were losing. So they lashed out, ruthlessly and personally.

What do leaders do when they are hit with such attacks? Solomon gives us wise counsel in Proverbs 15.

Pause

“A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel” (Proverbs 15:18).

Personal attacks make us understandably angry, but we only perpetuate the conflict with a rash response. Instead, push the pause button.

Solomon reminds us, “how good is a timely word!” (Proverbs 15:23b). In this case, a “timely word” is a later word.

If the attack comes via email, don’t fire off an immediate reply. When you revisit it tomorrow, you’ll be glad you didn’t hit “send.”

If the confrontation is face-to-face, pray for patient wisdom. Then, inform the person that you will respond, but not in this moment. This not only keeps you from snapping back in the heat of anger, but it also gives you time to do the next crucial thing.

Bring in Trusted Leaders

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). Godly advisers provide wisdom and perspective you won’t have on your own.

“The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). If you need to respond, you’ll want to do it in a measured, God-honoring way. Trusted leaders will help you weigh this.

“The lips of the wise spread knowledge …” (Proverbs 15:7a). Critics may twist your words or misrepresent your intentions. By inviting godly leaders into these difficult conversations, you protect both yourself and the church. The “lips” of these “wise” leaders will “spread knowledge” by helping establish what truly happened.

Learn What You Can

“The discerning heart seeks knowledge …” (Proverbs 15:14a). Even unfair criticism may contain something worth learning. Don’t miss it just because of who delivered it.

“Whoever heeds correction shows prudence” (Proverbs 15:5b). Prudently look for the truth in the attack. But once you have found it, dismiss the rest.

“All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast” (Proverbs 15:15). Commit to travel light, not allowing unwarranted, ungodly criticism to continue to oppress you.

Refuse to Become Unteachable

The natural response to a targeted, personal attack is to become jaded and hardened. This inevitably backfires. Your cynical armor may protect you from pain, but it also prevents you from receiving wisdom from the right people. If every criticism feels like a personal attack, eventually you stop listening altogether. That’s deadly.

“Whoever heeds correction shows prudence” (Proverbs 15:5b). Refuse to allow painful experiences to harden you against wise correction from people who genuinely care about you and the church.

“The house of the righteous contains great treasure” (Proverbs 15:6a). Don’t let personal attacks rob you of the treasure of wisdom that God wants to develop in you.

Keep Loving People

A broken heart can easily become a hard heart. But, as church leaders, we remember that Jesus has more reason to be hardhearted than we’ll ever have, yet he continues to be gentle and tender toward us.

The people in our churches don’t need leaders who have learned to armor up because of past pain. They need leaders who continue to love even after they’ve been wounded.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). In a divided and angry age, gentleness feels weak. When we answer harshness with harshness, we are following the lead of our world. But gentleness is not weakness. It is the way of Jesus.

As church leaders, we must be shaped by Christ, not critics.

Author: Mike Edmisten