Series: Nondenominationalish

November 17, 2018

Christian Standard

President Trump Breaks Tradition, Eats White House Turkey

By Caleb Kaltenbach WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump broke the presidential tradition of pardoning the White House Thanksgiving turkey. After a speech about why people should be thankful for him, the president was jovial until he saw Fat Gobble. He immediately scowled, pointed to the turkey, and said, “Fat Gobble, you’re fired.” The first lady, among others—including the children of some White House staffers—watched in horror as chefs appeared out of nowhere, seized the turkey by the neck, and hauled it to the kitchen. With feathers still flying, the first lady was overheard reassuring the president’s youngest son, Barron, that Fat

November 10, 2018

Christian Standard

More Nondenominationalish News Briefs

Rumors have been flying that Dave Stone and Rick Rusaw are not actually retiring from their senior pastor positions at Southeast Christian Church and LifeBridge Christian Church, respectively, but that they have declared themselves free agents and are making their services available to the highest-bidding churches at no less than 5-year, no-cut contracts with guaranteed money up-front. (Of course, these are just rumors.) _ _ _ Former senior minister Dean Smithy of Austin, Texas, is looking for a new church to serve after elders at Yellow Rose Christian Church told him he can no longer serve at theirs. Smithy and

November 3, 2018

Christian Standard

Nondenominationalish News Briefs

  The annual meeting at Middle of the Road Christian Church is generating a level of excitement never seen before, as a faction of the congregation that loudly supports candidate for elder MacDonald Blunt, a self-styled real estate developer, squares off against their rivals, supporters of Richland Tweed, a psychiatrist and adjunct professor at the local university. A key issue is the use of paper or electronic ballots. Senior minister David McStraddles has taken no position. The election will take place after worship on Sunday, Nov. 18—immediately prior to the church’s Thanksgiving meal together. _ _ _ Another tight elder’s

October 13, 2018

Christian Standard

Taking Our Q&A to the ‘Next Level’

We sat down with Macon A. Gibe, best-selling author of The Intentional Pastor, Reaching the Next Level, and Isolating Your Church’s DNA, to discuss ministry and church trends and how to best leverage and engage them. _ _ _ QUESTION: Mr. Gibe, you’ve published three best-selling books for churches and church leaders. To what do you owe your incredible success? ANSWER: It was no accident, I can tell you that! Seriously, I would attribute it to three things: intentionality, aspirational thinking, and a cursory understanding of science.   Q: Your first book, back in 2002, was Isolating Your Church’s DNA.

October 6, 2018

Christian Standard

Niche Churches Are Popping Up All Over

Niche churches are starting up across the country to satisfy the needs of worshippers who aren’t happy in a traditional setting. Here are some of the more interesting variants we’ve recently heard about: Mighty Oak Christian Fellowship: This service-oriented church focuses on raking and removing leaves for elderly homeowners every fall and delivering garden compost in the spring. It’s a God-centered “circle-of-life” church. The “Big Three” evangelistic outreaches—Christmas, Easter, and Arbor Day. Second Amendment Church of Christ: Don’t miss the weekly potluck dinner (“bring a critter to share”) and midweek target practice. Supreme Bean Christian Church: There are 23.2 baristas

September 29, 2018

Christian Standard

‘Cane Ridge Revival VBS’ Draws Praises

By Caleb Kaltenbach CANE RIDGE, KY—Several Restoration Movement churches tried out the first “Cane Ridge Revival VBS” this past summer. “There’s really nothing else like it,” said Tim North, who created the program. “The idea is to help children not only encounter Jesus, but also to experience what it was like to attend this August 1801 revival!” “I’ve never seen a VBS like ‘Cane Ridge,’” said Frank Stone, minister with Ebenezer Christian Church. “There were no fancy decorations, take-home trinkets, crafts, or anything. They wanted these kids to have a true Cane Ridge experience, so they didn’t even need microphones.”

September 22, 2018

Christian Standard

Christmas Article on Hold as Authorities Investigate Editor’s Illness

Christian Standard editor Michael C. Mack was confined to bed rest after taking ill while reading Caleb Kaltenbach’s Christmas article that extrapolates Christian principles from the holiday classic movie, A Christmas Story. “I don’t know what happened,” Mack said, blinking his eyes rapidly but unable to focus on anything. “I think Caleb may have somehow shot my eyes out . . . figuratively, of course.” “The article is actually quite mesmerizing,” said Mack. “I had read through it once and was starting a second pass when a strange feeling came over me. I tried to stand to get a coffee

September 15, 2018

Christian Standard

Kansas Church Heads in New Direction

LEBANON, KAN.—Compass, a Christian church in Lebanon, Kansas, has changed its name to The Second Independent Christian Church of Lebanon. (“First Christian Church” was already being used.)  The name change came after lengthy consideration by a “new” group of elders who rotated back onto the board after 15 years. “The novelty just wore off,” explained elder Gerald Girrard. “And anyway, many of our members got tired of trying to explain the name to our non-Christian friends.” “I was wearing my Compass T-shirt one day in Walmart,” said Girrard, “and a guy I’d never met before asked me where the Compass

September 8, 2018

Christian Standard

‘No Shaking Hands Sunday’ Sparks New Ideas for Sunday Themes

By Caleb Kaltenbach INDIANAPOLIS—Known for his creative and somewhat whimsical ideas, pastor Brayden Jessington of Epic Christian Church has created a trend that’s spreading like wildfire: “No Shaking Hands Sunday.” “You know how some churches have ‘Bring a Friend Sunday’ or ‘Student Worship Sunday’?” asked Jessington. “Well, ‘No Shaking Hands Sunday’ is just like those, except you don’t touch anyone at church!” Jessington said the idea came to him through time and experience. “Basically, I got tired of getting sick from shaking people’s hands. A guy will sneeze on his hand or scratch his ear and then want to shake

September 1, 2018

Christian Standard

Church Removes Coffee and Doughnuts—Riot Ensues

By Caleb Kaltenbach ANDERSON, NE—Staff of the Fleetwood Christian Church are still picking up the pieces after a riot on Sunday. “That wasn’t our desired outcome,” said executive pastor Mike Millenhouse as he scratched his head in bewilderment. “It really boiled down to an economic analysis. I mean, no one really puts a dollar in the jar anymore.” Millenhouse was speaking of the church’s decision to discontinue offering coffee and doughnuts on Sunday mornings. The FCC staff was expecting some pushback from the congregation, but the intensity of the reaction caught them by surprise. “People began screaming when they found

August 25, 2018

Christian Standard

Freshmen Shocked: Bible College Nothing Like CIY

By Caleb Kaltenbach JOPLIN, MO—Record numbers of incoming freshmen are dismayed that Bible college isn’t another Christ in Youth experience. “There’s no morning encounter speaker at Hope International University,” reported Charlie Bowdrey. “I listen to my church history professor every morning, but he doesn’t help me encounter anything other than this angry dude named Martin Luther.” Bowdrey wasn’t the only surprised student this year. For Manhattan Christian College freshman Jessica West, the disappointment started almost immediately. “When I got to my dorm, I was ready to go to the evening session and stay up late, but the other students were

August 11, 2018

Christian Standard

Search Firm Creates Fake Candidates to Scare Lead Pastor

By Caleb Kaltenbach SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to increase effectiveness of lead pastors who have grown too comfortable, a search firm has been created for the purpose of scaring them into working harder. “Basically, when an elder board hires us, we make it look like they’re considering candidates to replace the lead pastor,” said Ben Campbell, president of The Faux Search Group. “The anxiety and stress naturally scares their lead pastor into giving more effort and working longer hours.” “I guess I’m candidating for the job I have,” said pastor Chris Hayden of First Christian Church in Silmore, Kentucky. “One

July 28, 2018

Christian Standard

Weekly Offerings Increase after Pastor Threatens Dramatic Interpretation of Leviticus Unless All Members Tithe

By Caleb Kaltenbach LAWSON, OK—“It worked,” said Gene Moody, pastor of Diamond River Christian Church. “The approach took a little refining, but we got there.” After two weeks of preaching on generosity, the weekly offerings of Diamond River Christian Church still hadn’t changed. Members seemed unwilling to increase their giving. “I had enough,” Moody said. “So, last Sunday, I announced that unless they started giving more to the church, I would begin a verse-by-verse dramatic interpretation of Leviticus!” Several church members gasped when Moody announced this. “My husband and I were frantic,” reported Beth Gilmore, longtime member of Diamond River.

July 15, 2018

Christian Standard

Easter Service Promoted as ‘Unlike Any Other’ Was Actually Just Like Any Other

By Caleb Kaltenbach KANSAS CITY, MO—Easter experiences are still being reported to various Christian magazines and outlets and a common theme is emerging: Some pastors pledged an Easter service like no other, but it turns out these were empty promises. Stan Hanson, pastor of the newly planted Crossways Christian Church, told his congregation: “Don’t miss Easter! Arrive early, bring a friend, and get ready for an experience unlike any other.” Crossways member Tom Harlow offered this critique of the service: “Let’s see. They had a creative opener, more lights, good singing, and a sermon on the resurrection. Pastor Stan also

July 7, 2018

Christian Standard

‘At the Movies’ Opens to Mixed Reviews

By Caleb Kaltenbach BURLINGTON, OK—Chad Beachwix’s decision to show Black Panther last Sunday morning isn’t sitting well with leadership at Sixth Christian Church. “The movie has a powerful message and I thought it would really challenge our church,” Beachwix said. “I interjected the sermon at certain points during the movie.” Longtime elder Bob Norbit disagreed. “No, he did not interject himself,” Norbit said. “Every 30 minutes he paused the movie, talked for a minute, pushed play, and ate popcorn in the first row.” Moving forward, Norbit said, eldership will prescreen all of Beachwix’s selections for his “At the Movies” sermon series.

June 30, 2018

Christian Standard

Youth Sports Families Offer a ‘Heads-Up’

By Caleb Kaltenbach PARKER, CO—Just as senior pastors look forward to the fall season attendance bump, youth sports families across the nation delivered a “heads-up” regarding their attendance. “We’ve never given a ‘heads-up’ about our attendance, but when many of us formed a National Youth Sports Family Social Media Group, we thought it was a good idea,” said Dana Jensen of 66th Street Christian Church, Sedalia, Ohio. Jensen said her pastor’s reaction was a bit unsettling. “He was in such a happy mood that morning, but when I told him that starting in September we’d be gone for two and a

June 23, 2018

Christian Standard

The Gospel Coalition Creates Dress Code for Calvinists, Arminians

By Caleb Kaltenbach LOUISVILLE, KY—The leadership of The Gospel Coalition asked Calvinists and Arminians to dress differently—distinctively—for their recent conference. “We honestly thought it [a dress code] would be an easier way to label each other,” a coalition executive committee member said. “You know, it takes a lot of work to decipher someone’s theology so you can decide if you want to be their friend or not.” The Arminians in attendance agreed with the decision. “It’s made this year’s conference run more smoothly,” Al Wesley said. “This year, when I’ve gotten in theological debates with Calvinists, I just look for

June 6, 2018

Christian Standard

Alexander Campbell Announced as a 2018 NACC Speaker

By Caleb Kaltenbach INDIANAPOLIS—Church leaders around the world were shocked to learn that Alexander Campbell will be speaking at the yearly convention. 2018 North American Christian Convention President Drew Sherman reportedly hired a Transylvanian scientist—a mad one, no doubt—to fly in and reanimate Campbell, the leading thinker of the early Restoration Movement and longtime editor of the Millennial Harbinger. The process took longer than initially thought, due to good weather. Eventually, however, a thunderstorm passed through the area and made the impossible possible. “We just want to empower leaders and give them an NACC they’ll never forget,” Sherman said. “It’s

May 30, 2018

Christian Standard

New ‘Hunger Games’ VBS Theme Fails Miserably

By Caleb Kaltenbach ASHLAND, MN—Back in January, the family ministry team of First Christian Church gathered to discuss possible VBS themes before finally settling on The Hunger Games. “It seemed like a good idea,” said student pastor Francis Jenson. “I like the Hunger Games  movies, and kids play a significant role in the films. It seemed perfect.” That first night, parents dropped off their kids in the church’s sanctuary. Many parents left immediately, but some paused as the lights dimmed and a sense of foreboding took over.  “They had fake trees all over the room,” reported Andrea Lansberry, mother of

May 23, 2018

Christian Standard

The Lead Pastor: XP Edition Pairs a Lead Pastor with an Executive Pastor

By Caleb Kaltenbach MALIBU, CA—Pastor Paul Porgman needed an executive pastor, so he went on The Lead Pastor: XP Edition. The show is patterned after the hit series The Bachelor, which features a single man who spends weeks with many attractive women until he chooses his future wife. In The Lead Pastor: XP Edition, Porgman spent weeks with many unattractive, out-of-shape, type A personality men until he chose one to be his executive pastor. “It was . . . bizarre,” Porgman said. “We never got in a hot tub, but I walked on the beach with each one of them. I also had to take them out

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