By Mark A. Taylor
In the wake of several deaths close to my family in recent months, I”m especially sensitive to the grief some friends are facing this holiday season.
And I”m grateful for one way my church offers to help. Late in November every year, our seniors ministry conducts a service of remembrance for families whose deceased loved one attended our congregation. It”s a simple service, with hymns and Scripture. But the unique touch is the Christmas tree in one corner of the chapel.
Beside the tree are boxes of white ornaments, each bearing a different name, handwritten in calligraphy. These are the names of those our church has lost in the last year. As each name is read, a family member comes to the front, receives his or her ornament, and hangs it on the tree. It remains decorated there throughout the holiday, and then the ornament is a permanent keepsake for each family.
At one point, the minister reads a list of suggestions for coping with grief during the holidays. The ideas are similar to the list written by Dr. Helen Harris, assistant professor in the school of social work at Baylor University in Waco, Texas.
In an article at the Baylor University website, Harris said there are ways that are more helpful and ways that are less helpful to approach a grieving person. Among her suggestions:
“¢ Listen more than talk. “It is OK to say, “˜I don”t know what to say but I want you to know that I care,” Harris said.
“¢ Acknowledge the loss and express your caring. Volunteer to help with a holiday task. Invite the grieving person to your home or take them a meal.
“¢ Find a way to include the lost loved one in the holidays. Our church”s ornament service picks up on this idea. Others: light a candle in the loved one”s memory to burn throughout the family”s holiday gathering; assign his or her traditional roles to other family members; serve one of his or her favorite holiday dishes.
“¢ Take time to tell stories and look through old photos. But don”t push it.
“¢ Ask what helps and be open to what doesn”t.
“¢ Avoid hurtful actions””such as staying away, pretending it didn”t happen, or walking the other way in a store so you don”t have to say anything.
“¢ Understand that there”s no set time frame for someone who suffers a loss to be “over it” or “move on.” Adjustment to a loss is a long process, Harris said, and tends to get worse before it gets better.
Harris, formerly a hospice director who continues work as a hospice volunteer, said, “There is a time when we manage our grief more than it manages us, and a time when the healing becomes strength, like a healed broken bone is stronger at the point of healing than the bone around it. But we are always changed, different because of both the life and the death of the person we loved and lost.”
Perhaps that”s the key. Learning to embrace the difference to our lives because of our loss is the only way to cope. Harris”s suggestions give us keys to facing that reality as well as how to help grieving friends cope with a world that will never be the same.
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