By Jim Tune
I wasn”t intending to eavesdrop. It just sort of happened. I had left the company of two close friends, but realized minutes later I had left a personal item behind. My friends were still talking when I returned, and they were talking about me. I wasn”t trying to eavesdrop, but I couldn”t keep from listening as they discussed a very personal decision I had shared with them earlier. There was nothing mean-spirited in anything they said. I made my presence known almost immediately.
I had heard enough to feel a flash of betrayal and embarrassment. When I told them what I had overheard, they became equally embarrassed and immediately apologetic. It was an awkward moment for all three of us. Letting my bruised ego override my self-control, I accused them of gossip and disloyalty.
But that wasn”t what this was. These were true friends with a genuine concern for my best interests. Besides, I had to admit I had talked about each one of them with others at times of deep concern over choices they were making. This wasn”t gossip or betrayal. Sure it stung, mostly because I heard my friends express opinions about me they were too polite to let me hear in blunt, unfiltered words. I had witnessed a discussion about me that was unbound by social restraints or concern for my feelings.
As the three of us unpacked the incident, my friends explained they were hashing out their own feelings in preparation to share a watered-down, more sensitive version with me later. I accepted that explanation. Their conversation was rooted in love and concern.
We all talk about our friends behind their backs. We can do this from a place of respect and love, or from a place of cruelty and ill will. One way is healthy, the other destructive. Sometimes we talk behind a friend”s back in order to honestly wrestle with our doubts or worries about choices he or she has made. We do this because we love them. I came across a fitting quote that made me smile: “Anyone can be nice to your face, but it takes a true friend to be nice behind your back.”
My friends ultimately intended to discuss their concerns with me. Typically that”s how we roll. I just happened to hear their unvarnished thoughts before they could come to me with a fully processed, “nicer” version. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” What felt initially like betrayal, was, in fact, a blessing.
Excellent words, Jim. We all need this. Thanks for sharing in such a redemptive, winsome fashion.
Good friends have your back. Great friends tell your face.