By Osharye Hagood
Forgiveness is one of the most radical and transformative principles of Christian marriage. It’s at the heart of the gospel, embodied in Christ’s sacrifice, and essential for individual healing, relational restoration, and the strength of our unions. Yet, in a time when resentment is easily justified and grudges are often nurtured, the practice of forgiveness has become increasingly neglected—especially in marriages.
Rudy and I see this week after week as we counsel Christian couples. This neglect is not just a personal issue; it represents a deterioration of the image and idea of Christian marriage. Consider this an effort to sound the alarm. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
Spousal Forgiveness Matters
When we are wronged, the natural response is to hold onto the pain, seek justice, or even seek revenge. However, harboring unforgiveness does not just punish our spouses, it chains us to the pain they caused. Bitterness poisons our souls, leading to emotional and physical consequences. Holding onto resentment leads to stress, high blood pressure, and weakened immune function. But beyond the physiological effects, unforgiveness distances us from God.
Jesus said, “If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15, English Standard Version).
This is not only about divine reciprocity, it’s about the condition of our marriages. Unforgiveness becomes a burden both spouses carry, weighing us down with unresolved pain, bitterness, and a sense of self-righteousness.
Forgiveness does not mean ignoring wrongdoing or excusing harmful behavior. Rather, it’s a conscious decision to free ourselves from being defined by what happened and it allows the Spirit to begin the healing process.
Forgiven Spouse, Harmonious House
In a house without forgiveness, a spouse who makes a mistake is condemned with no path to healing. Without the possibility of forgiveness, there’s no room for redemption or growth in our unions.
I know this firsthand. I want to share a true story that shaped my understanding of forgiveness. There was a time in my life when I hurt someone deeply because of my own selfishness. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp how wrong I was. But when I finally saw my actions for what they were—self-centered, inconsiderate, and hurtful—I longed for their forgiveness. They had every right to withhold it, and I would have understood if they never gave it. Yet, they forgave me freely.
At that moment, it was as if a jail cell was suddenly opened and I was set free. Their willingness to forgive showed me the power of grace in a way I had never experienced before. I then committed myself to extending forgiveness to others—not just because it was the right thing to do, but because I had been the recipient of it. That friend’s forgiveness became a living testimony of Christ’s love and mercy.
When we forgive, we create space for restoration and we leave the door open for God to work in our hearts. I am living proof of that. Had my friend refused to forgive me, I might have carried that guilt forever.
Rudy often says to young people, “I can tell you who you should marry.” When they ask, “Who?,” he says, “Marry the person you want to spend the rest of your life forgiving.”
Forgiveness is more than a gift to the one who hurt us; it’s a reflection of God’s grace, a chance for healing, and a path toward transformation. When we extend it, we mirror the mercy we received from Christ.
Forgiveness Matters for the Marital Union
Unforgiveness is a silent, deadly toxin in our marriages. It creates division, crystallizes distrust, and fosters environments where our spouses feel unwelcome or judged in their own homes. Paul warns in Ephesians 4:31-32, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
When forgiveness is absent, marriages fracture. Our unions are meant to represent Christ’s love for the church. When forgiveness is practiced, marriages become a living example of the gospel.
Unforgiveness: The Erosion of Christian Marriage
One of the alarming shifts in modern Christian culture is how easily unforgiveness is accepted in marriage. Instead of seeking reconciliation, many choose to ignore the heart of covenant. They may remain in the marriage legally, but they refuse to function in the true essence of marriage. Instead, they adopt cancel culture as a tool within the marriage, cutting off emotional intimacy, withholding grace, and allowing bitterness to take root. This erosion slowly dismantles the foundation of the marriage, turning what should be a reflection of Christ’s love for the church into a battleground of self-righteousness and silent resentment.
When we normalize unforgiveness, we contradict the very message of Christ. The cross is the ultimate symbol of forgiveness. Jesus himself, while suffering on the cross, prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. (Luke 23:34).
If Christ, in his moment of greatest suffering, could forgive Hhs bride-to-be, then we, as his followers, must take forgiveness seriously.
Conclusion: A Call to Radical Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not weakness. It is not ignoring justice. It is not pretending everything is okay. It is a courageous act of obedience to God that sets spouses free, restores relationships, and strengthens Christian marriages.
We must reclaim the power of forgiveness, especially in our marriages. We must choose to live as Christ did—extending grace to our spouses even when they feel they don’t deserve it, remembering that we ourselves have been forgiven.
What can you forgive your spouse for today? It could be something small or big. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it. After all, forgiveness is not just for your spouse; it’s for you, your family, your community, and for your witness of Christ in the world.
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