By Mark A. Taylor
My preacher had advice for married folks in his sermon last Sunday: “As long as you”re going to be married the rest of your life, you might as well enjoy it.” His list of strategies for pursuing and discovering joy in marriage was a thought-provoking challenge even for an oldster like me (anticipating my 40th wedding anniversary in just a few months).
But I was even more interested in a Wall Street Journal feature Tuesday that quoted scientific research to underscore a fact about marriage that Jesus himself might have offered. “People who put their mates” needs first make themselves happier too,” the article reported. In other words, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). It”s a proverb to quote not only at Christmastime but on Valentine”s Day as well.
The article described what researchers have labeled “compassionate love.” This is a love expressed in actions more than words: warming your wife”s car before she goes out in the snow, changing your plans to help solve your spouse”s problem, celebrating your spouse”s successes with as much energy as you devote to your own, expressing love in small but significant ways (make her a cup of tea, offer him a back rub, watch the TV show or movie she chooses).
“Small, selfless acts between spouses aren”t just nice””they also are necessary,” according to the experts the article quoted. “In many relationships, people forget that one small loving gesture””or many””can go a long way. We get busy and stressed. We take each other for granted. It isn”t easy to stifle our own agenda and put our partner”s first.”
Centuries ago, Martin Luther seemed to know what research has proven. “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home,” he advised, “and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”
It all sounds so simple, so basic. Put your spouse”s needs and concerns above your own. It”s advice central to the Christian ethic, and yet some Christians fail to see how this approach can revolutionize a marriage. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,” Paul told the Philippians. “Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others” (2:3, 4). It”s an approach to life that can not only prevent church splits but also show married couples how to stay together for a lifetime.
Along with hearts and flowers this Valentine”s Day, successful Christian marriages will celebrate the self-sacrifice and kind deeds that may express love better than any greeting card. And so they can realize what my preacher encouraged and our Lord taught: The way to discover joy for yourself is to provide it for someone else.
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