By Mark A. Taylor
Welcome to Choose-a-Church.com, the one-stop shopping source where you can find exactly the church you”re looking for . . .
FIRST SECTION: Please tell us a little about yourself. Check every phrase that accurately completes the following sentence: “I”m looking for another church because . . .”
“¢ I”m not being fed at my current church (indicate whether you”re referring to sermons or fellowship dinners).
“¢ My current church changed something (indicate whether or not the church asked your permission).
“¢ I don”t like the way my current church spends money. (If you check this sentence, please also choose one of the following options: (a) I”m a tither. (b) I give when they present a special need. (c) It”s my money and none of your business.)
“¢ The preacher”s sermons are too (choose one) (a) long, (b) short, (c) dry, (d) emotional, (e) loud, (f) topical, (g) personal.
“¢ Other. (We realize there are hundreds of possible ways to finish the sentence. Be as specific as possible.)
SECOND SECTION: To help us find your perfect church, please use our interactive questionnaire to click the factors most important to you in each category, below:
Minister: Age? Married or single? (Actually, you can skip this one. We know you want him to be married.) Loves old people? Tolerates teenagers? Makes hospital calls?
Preaching style: Friendly? Prophetic? Exegetical? Topical? Funny? Preaches about money? Afraid to talk about money? Evangelistic? Pastoral?
Dress code: Jeans? Office casual? Dressy? Grunge?
Temperament: Extrovert? Introvert?
Gender: Male? Female”s OK. (If you choose the second option, please leave this questionnaire now and go to our sister website: Choose-a-Progressive-Church.com.)
Minister”s wife: Leader? Quiet type; knows her place? Musician? Bible-study teacher? Loves to cook? Works outside the home? Available every time the church doors are open?
Church size: Giga? Mega? Almost Mega? Will Never Be Mega? Large enough to hide in? Small enough to control?
Church culture: Externally focused? (If this item is checked, shopper must indicate areas of community involvement where he or she will serve, and/or areas of community involvement where he or she would like to see others serve.)
Missions oriented? (If this item is checked, shopper must list countries visited in previous mission trips and/or preferred countries for future mission trips.)
Services offered: Seniors ministry? (Please indicate the number, duration, and cost of trips you want to take.) Youth activities? (Please list times of week when your youth are available.)
Small groups: Weekly? Monthly? Just every so often at Starbucks?
Adult Bible fellowships? (List Bible books you”d like to study, and please don”t include James””every church on our list has already studied the book of James more times than they can count. If you don”t know faith without works is dead by now, please go to our sister website, What-Do-They-Say-At-Church.com.)
Multiple worship services? (Please indicate preferred times to attend. Notice: weeknight services are available, but only at churches west of the Mississippi and in major urban areas.)
Music preferences: Traditional? Contemporary? Blended? Gospel? Hip-hop? Bluegrass? Techno-rock? Country? Pop? Cool jazz? Gaither? Heavy metal?
Preferred volume: Normal? Loud? I want to feel the music vibrating in my chest? (Please write Not Applicable if you”ve already lost most of your hearing after serving in a worship band for two years.)
Instruments you prefer to see on stage: Please list all your preferred instruments, but including “accordion” will severely limit your church choices. We do have one client, however, allowing attendees to play bongos from the audience, i.e., the congregation. However, harmonicas and loud humming are universally discouraged.
Preferred characteristics of those leading music: Short hair? Long hair? No hair? Facial hair (mustache, beard, or either)? Do you prefer the worship leader to sing with his eyes closed or open? What is your position on tattoos? One more thing: can the worship leader be a woman?
Please take your time and answer all the above questions as completely as possible. Since the number of preferences desired by church shoppers these days seems to grow longer every year, we can”t hope to find a church you”ll like if we don”t have as much information from you as possible.
Even with all this input, we admit the list of churches our system will generate may not lead to a choice that satisfies you. In this case, please come back and complete our questionnaire again.
It”s free. Just like America. One of the beautiful things about our country is your opportunity to change churches again and again and again.
So please visit our website often. And always remember our motto: Church””It”s All About You.
Whew! You unloaded the truck on this one. I would love to see the responses. (Some nice little touches. We could hear Mark talking).
Perhaps we should shop for an ekklesia instead . . . https://stevesimms.wordpress.com/2015/08/06/christ-encounter-groups-the-new-testament-ekklesia/